Leonard Bernstein!

September 21, 2009

Last night, while watching the preview for “Flash Forward” some show where everyone on the planet blacks out and at the same time and sees their horrific future; and the fall of civilization ensues (I assume). And then another show advertised on the History channel, like the White House has been nuked, get outside a fallout zone to somewhere safe, etc, etc.

I enjoy movies feature the zombie apocalypse, plagues, alien invasion, rise of machines, and other disasters which essentially try to wipe out the existence of civilized mankind. I can only assume that since I enjoy the movies, I’d also enjoy it when the real thing comes.

Such movies will feature the plight of a small group of heroes fighting against all odds to stay alive and remain functioning civilized humans in this post-apocalyptic world. But watching those ads last night, it made me realize that the odds are… I’m NOT going to be one of the people who are in the movies when stuff like that happens.

The odds are heavily stacked against me, that I’m just one of the schmucks who doesn’t realize what’s happening until it’s too late.

I could easily be in an arena full of people or airport when the zombie apocalypse breaks out. Or in an airport and be one of the first to get the airborne plague. Or be on the interstate when people blackout, crash and die.

How much would that suck? To be one of the first idiots to die in an apocalyptic event? Man, that would bother me. I want to be one of the last few standing. I think there’s pride in that, and not being one in the ignorant masses, who’s toast at the onset.

Who wants to be a zombie hor d’ourves? I wanna be the guy who severs the zombie’s brain stem just before dessert. And then says something witty

No Calamities Yet

April 9, 2009

So far, we’re in the clear. No additional reports of people eating each others flesh, which would signal some kind of zombie apocalypse.  (Just the one report).

The drive home yesterday was semi-stressful. Every pedestrian in view I searched for signs of human activity (social interaction, talking, using a cell phone, etc).

Since I had no weapons on me, I was trying to hurry home. When I noticed I was creeping up on 80 mph (in a 50), I thought “what am I going to say if I get pulled over?”

“Sir, a man bit off the flesh of another man and ate it in Metairie. I’m hurrying home in case this is the onset of the zombie apocalypse. hey, can I have your gun?”

Curse my hyperactive imagination.

This is How it Starts!

April 8, 2009

This is how it starts.

The Zombie Apocalypse very well may be upon us:


(Don’t Fear) The Reaper

April 6, 2009

Well, I managed to avoid death for another year and maintain my status among the living. I’m really not sure why we as as society celebrate this once a year. But sure enough, many people extended their heartfelt congratulations on my ability to move through the three dimensional space in the universe for another 365 days without sustaining a fatal death blow (When someone tries to blow you up, not because of who you are, but because of different reasons altogether).

It can be challenging at times to stay alive. Life’s dangerous. There’s drunk drivers, street crime, gang wars, planes falling out of the air. The snake pit on my way home every night. The rotating blades in the hall way outside my office. Plus you’ve got cold, flu, airborne illness, VD, STDs, cancer, disease, Captain Trips, the zombie apocalypse, globo-thermal nuclear war, pirates, and the distinct possibility that CLM poisoned my coffee.

And increase that danger times, like, a thousand, because I’m a famous rapper. Going platinum in the hip-hop world is like a death trap. Needless to say, I have my enemies. Ironically, no death threats through this site. I must not be popular enough.

Anyhow, I look forward to another year of posting silly things for you to read online. Maybe some will actually be interesting.

I am NOT Prepared!

December 6, 2008

When you live in New Orleans, you have to be prepared. You need to think out a plan that’s efficient, safe and makes sense: Something that allows you to have full access to necessary resources from a safe location in the event of an emergency. But you also must communicate that plan to others so they know where you’ll be. And then, if the time comes, you need to implement that plan to the best of your ability.

Our employer makes us fill out these plans, so they know their employees are safe, and the business can continue to function. The two most essential parts of this plan are identifying your ideal safe haven, and evacuating to that location in a safe manner.

As you may have guessed by now, I’m obviously talking about evacuation plans for a Hurricane and/or Zombie Apocalypse.

I touched briefly on this in the last post (beating up zombies). It’s very important that you are prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse. You need: Food, water, weapons, and most of all, shelter. You need an escape route.

Obviously the key to your safety in a zombie apocalypse is having a safe haven where you, food, and water are inside, and the zombies are outside the safe haven and cannot penetrate its defenses.

My coworker believes that the best place to ward off a zombie apocalypse is an abandon prison, because it has everything you need, and the same features designed to keep people in will also keep zombies out. He has a very solid point on this. However, I question the practicality of it.

First, how many abandoned prisons are there? Not very many.

Secondly, an abandoned prison may have malfunctioning security features (i.e. big gaping holes in walls/bars, etc.)

Also important: While it may have a kitchen, it was abandoned, so you need to bring the food with you. Also weapons.

And of course, getting to the abandoned prison from wherever you are when the zombie apocalypse occurs will be an issue.

That’s the key factor for me: No one waits at their safe haven for a zombie apocalypse. You’re going to have to audiblize. The fact of the matter is, when it happens, you have to avoid people who have turned/are turning into zombies. Getting across town simply isn’t going to happen. You’ll have to hole up in the nearest acceptable place.

And the assets you need are conflicting: Few entrances and exits, yet pre-stocked with food. Places with food (grocery stores, restaurants, movie theatres, sports venues) are all designed to accommodate many people. Which means (a) the grocery store could be teeming with zombies when you arrive, or (b) the sports venue has too many damned exits to secure.

Not to mention the big problem of obtaining weapons. I think this is why so many people resort to malls, walmarts, sporting goods stores, police stations, etc.

All in all, I have yet to figure out my ideal plan for a zombie apocalypse. I’ll probably stick with my prepared friend and just try to hijack a McDonalds truck on our way to an abandoned prison.  Or simply come to the realization that in a zombie apocalypse, you might actually be better off being a zombie. Unless of course, it’s the rage virus from 28 Days Later (or 28 Weeks Later), then the other zombies would still be trying to kill you.