Fortress of Showertude

May 9, 2009

All moved into my new place, but some things take some getting used to. Like Friday, when I woke up and realized my roommate was in the shower. So I hit the snooze button. But the snooze button doesn’t work after you’ve already hit the off button. So I fell back asleep and didn’t wake up again until 10:30. Not awesome.

Speaking of the shower, though, we don’t have a bathtub with a shower head and curtain. We have a shower stall. It’s in the corner, on an elevated platform three inches higher than the rest of the bathroom floor. And it’s a got a clear, frosted plastic semicircle enclosure with two doors that slide in towards the middle.

Basically, it feels like the isolation chamber in Superman’s Fortress of Solitude. Every time I step in it, I feel like I’m stealing the powers of everyone else in the house. Which means I now have my roommate’s ability to do laundry.


December 15, 2008

My trip home from the wedding (which featured the bride doing the Soldja boy dance, showcasing her Superman) reminded me of another drive home from another wedding:

A few years back, I heard an Albany, NY radio guy (a fill in vacation guy) saying that he hates Superman because he’s an egotistical, self-serving jerk. He has to be or he’d go crazy.

How would he stay sane? If his charge was to “help mankind and protect the innocent” as originally stated in the comics, then he’d be constantly deciding who to save and who to let die.

Does he save the little girl about to be hit by a car? Or stop the tsunami in Thailand? How does he handle travel time? He doesn’t have precognition, but he could see thru his X-Ray vision the tectonic plates moving and therefore be able to get to earthquake and tsunami zones.

But he’d burn out at having to save THOUSANDS daily, and go insane trying to go Kantian theory (greater good for the greater number of people). Does he prevent an explosion, or use his cold breath to freeze cancerous cells for surgical removal? Does he save Lois Lane and Jimmy the photographer, or some dudes in Greenland that he’s never met?

This radio guy was on the right track. What does Superman REALLY do? Save people 24/7? No! He’s a reporter, who saves people occasionally — when he’s not flying to the fortress of solitude for a relaxing weekend of LETTING PEOPLE DIE. Or when he’s not wining, dining, seducing, or nailing Lois Lane.

Superman is a dick, because he only saves just enough people for PR purposes, and he doesn’t help those who really need saving.

Superman saving people affects (negatively) the delicate balance of natural resources and supply and demand. Natural order. Pissing in God’s face, etc. It raises the rate of population growth on a planet of limited natural resources and space. Population growth is BAD. We have too many people on this planet already that we can’t FEED. There’s starving kids in Africa, poverty everywhere and 10% of the people have 90% of the wealth.

We NEED death. We NEED people to die… at the same rate they are born! Probably more at this point since people just have sex for sport. So when someone I don’t know dies, that’s good. I’d rather have people NOT be born into unstable families, but because people like sex so much, that won’t happen. So the best I can do is root for the stupid, weak, evil and people who’d make unfit parents to die.

It’s only a shame when RESPONSIBLE PARENTS die leaving a family that can’t support itself. It’s not a shame when someone’s grandma dies — because she probably was around too long anyway thanks to a baboon gall bladder and three resuscitations.

Is that cold and callused? Maybe. But forgive me for thinking of the well being of three million starving kids that I see on TV, malnourished with flies on their eyeballs, instead of one affluent old lady who’s had a good run.

This is why it’s so easy for me to run a death pool. I recognize these things and therefore do not fake sympathy when someone I’ve never met dies. The only negative side effect of death is the effect on that person’s loved ones.

So, the question isn’t “is Superman saving enough people?” It’s “is Superman saving the right people?” I doubt it. Because he’s a dick. And there’s plenty of people who agree with me: Superman is a Dick.