Farewell, My Friends

January 8, 2009

No, not closing down this site. I mean to the 10 people I just sacrificed my Facebook friendships with to score a free Whopper from Burger King. That is some quality marketing right there: www.whoppersacrifice.com

Speaking of Burger King, once, I actually had this conversation with a BK drive thru employee (DTE)

actual conversation between me — leaving work early because I think I might have strep throat — and a drive thru employee:

Me: Yeah, can I get a large chocolate shake…
DTE: your total is 2.29, please pull around
Me: Wait, unless there is one that is bigger than the large.
DTE: Do you want a King Size, then?
Me: Absolutely, just give me the biggest one you have.
DTE: actually, the Super King Size is bigger.
Me: Super King size?
DTE: yeah
Me: So the King isn’t really the King, is he?
DTE: I guess you could say that, sir.
Me: Would that make him a Prince?
DTE: I guess. At least he’s bigger than the medium.
Me: And the medium isn’t the medium either, if you have five sizes.
DTE: The medium is the medium.
Me: How can the medium be the medium if it’s the second biggest of five sizes?
DTE: We have a medium, sir. It’s one of our four sizes of shakes.
Me: Four?
DTE: Yes, sir. Medium, Large, King Size and Super King Size
Me: Do you even know what the word medium means? It means between something smaller and something large.
DTE: Well, if we put the medium between the large and the king size, it would confuse a lot of people.
Me: Yeah, why don’t you just call the medium a small?
DTE: It’s not so small, sir. It’s actually medium-sized.
Me: But it’s the smallest.
DTE: This is true, but the large isn’t the largest.
Me: And the king really isn’t the king.
DTE: Yes, The Super King is one bigger, sir.
Me: Does he go to 11?

Snow in New Orleans!

December 11, 2008

Insert the dramatic news network music and graphics here, it’s snowing in New Orleans!

No, seriously. They’re interrupting Regis & Kelly:

Note the lack of actual snow in the picture. <br>And yes, there <i>are</i> school closings.

Note the lack of actual snow in the picture. Yes, there are school closings.

I tried to prepare myself for the prospect of driving to work in the snow in New Orleans. But no mental preparation you can do can totally get you ready for the incredible experience of watching one of those big bad southerns in a massive pickup truck… cruising along at 18 mph with a look of pure terror on his face.

It doesn't count as snow if the wipers clean it in one swipe

It doesn't count as snow if the wipers clean it in one swipe

I did nearly crash my car this morning. Not because of the conditions (those were fine), but because I was cackling like Barney Rubble at what was coming through my radio. The networks were treating this weather calamity like it was Hurricane Snowfall. I laughed at the absurdity of it all, that the same people who have refused to let Hurricane’s wipe their city out are incapacitated by a fraction of an inch of pretty snow.

Isn't it pretty?

Isn't it pretty?

Then I started thinking of all the stuff that goes with snow and blizzards in Upstate New York. And I began to think if they were going to go to alternate side parking, if we should hit the grocery store, get some candles and firewood in case the power went out, etc, etc, as I laughed harder and harder. For crying out loud, I didn’t even need the ice scraper (I threw away four when I moved down here).

One radio guy actually said that people “shouldn’t go out on the roads unless they absolutely have to, because we can’t be certain the conditions of the roads won’t become death traps.”

That’s the line that made me almost take out the guard rail.

In 13 years of public school in upstate New York, with lake effect snow, and multiple blizzards per year, I had zero snow days. This, my friends,  is the terrifying face of Louisiana snow:

See the cigarette? This is 14-inches of bad ass snow man.

See the cigarette? This is 14-inches of bad ass snow man.

I almost ran him over parking my car.

Some of my coworkers did it right. They built a real snow man. One that wasn’t in danger of being crushed by a dwarf:

This snowman is actually about my height

picture courtesy ColleenLeMasters.com
(Hey, my code-stealing ability > the quality of my camera phone)

The best part is, the news is still going, and they have reporters out… but it’s no longer snowing on any of them.

Overall, it’s really funny, but I’m disappointed. Probably my best chance for just my second snow day ever.  I’m sure the novelty will wear off on my evening commute when it takes me 50 minutes to get home because people won’t be able to drive in this crap.

On that note, snowballs are hitting my office window. There is no chance of work getting done today.