That Was Bizarre

October 30, 2009

I turned right onto Audubon Place, a very narrow one-way (well, it’s two ways with a giant median/”neutral ground” down the middle) with parked cars on the right side.

Before I turned, I waited for some chick on a bike to clear the intersection. Then I came to a stop, while someone driving down the street had stopped and was talking through their open window to someone sitting in a parked car on the side of the street.

Naturally, it was a Cadillac. Anytime someone’s stopping the flow of traffic or going to be a Cadillac or Buick, or some other old person’s American made car.

As I grew a little frustrated, I then noticed that between me and the Caddy was the chick on the bike. Sitting there, pissed off like I was… like she was a CAR.

Hello. You’re on a bike. Just ride on the neutral ground/median around the freaking car. You’re not bound to roads. In fact, you really shouldn’t be riding down the middle of the street like a car when you’re not a car.

After about 90 seconds, the Caddy pulled up and pulled over and I resumed my drive home… only to realize that my 20 mph speed on this street was still WAY too freaking fast for the FREAKING BIKE in front of me.

Which led me to ponder… who is the most stupid person of those two? The parked Caddy driver, blocking traffic like a self-absorbed A-hole. Or the crazy chick who thinks she’s driving a car when she’s on a freaking bike?

I Got Nothing

December 29, 2008

I need a girlfriend. Not because of any feeling of loneliness or needy urge, or biological clock. I need someone to talk to on the drive back home from holidays at my parents house.

Seven hours in a car in the south is boring. You know what’s between Houston and New Orleans? Swamp, marsh and nothing.

I know what you’re thinking: “But, you probably spent that time coming up with all kinds of great ideas/thoughts that I’d love to read about.”

Yeah, not so much. Really I only thought about the lack of driving skills by everyone in Texas and Louisiana; and my desire to light my cigar without crashing my vehicle.

Of course, it’s entirely possible that one of the reasons I thought of nothing was because of the vegetative state that Christmas gifts put me in. How can anything in my life be interesting or worth discussing if all I am doing is playing NHL09, reading Jonsey (Keith Jones’ autobiography with John Buccigross) or Inside Inside (by James Lipton), or watching the entire first season of Chuck on DVD?

Basically, I’ve come a couch potato over the holidays and the key to significantly entertaining events is the improvisation of interaction with other human beings and/or personal reflection on those incidents.

What type of reflection can I do on watching an average Joe six-pack who’s life is going no where have his life interupted by top secret government spy work and a smoking hot girlfriend who kicks terrorist ass? (well, other than “I want one of those!”).

So there’s the last few days in a nutshell: I want a smoking hot girlfriend to spice up the life, through either internation espianage, or just chatting in my car.

Keep Right, Except To Pass

December 23, 2008

As I’m driving to Texas, it dawns on me just how much I hate Texas.

The people here think that everything about Texas is about 100x more awesome than anywhere else, but the fact remains: It sucks.

Houston and Dallas aren’t too bad. I haven’t been to Austin, but I hear its the best city there. But other than MAJOR CITIES, everything else about Texas completely sucks.

It bothers me that no one can drive. Every pickup truck driving Texan has to drive in the fast lane to prove his manhood, even though he’s doing about 2 mph over the posted speed limit. No one in the South seems to understand the concept of “keep right except to pass.”

I even recalled how proud one Texan was to inform me that Texas was it’s own country at one point. They say it with such pride, like it makes them better than other people. But there’s a reason that they came crawling to the United States and asked to be a state. And that’s because they’re complete freaking morons incapable of governing themselves.

This made me wonder… when the Civil War happened, what if “we” (as in my homeland of “The North”) let Texas and the South just go? How bizarre would it be if the South was another country?

First off: The name. Confederate States of America. Would that stick?

Secondly, what kind of borders would we have? Would it be like Canada, with a good relationship? I mean, it sounds absurd to suggest we wouldn’t just get back together like a college couple going through a spat (the make-up sex could certainly explain West Virginia). While it seems absurd, then it would be just as absurd that Canada never join the U.S.  But we’d have to have trade agreements, imports and exports, borders, etc. It would be weird.

If we only lost the Red States, college hoops would be just fine. Football? not so much
If we only lost the Red States, college hoops would be just fine. Football? not so much

And where would those borders go? Would California be USA or CSA? What if some state isolated from the CSA by surrounding United States wanted to join the CSA? Would they be prevented from doing so by geography? Or could they join like Boston College could join the ACC?

College sports could suck if we ended up with the wrong states for sports. Football could SUCK if all we had was the Big Ten and Notre Dame. College basketball could be great: We’d lose Duke and UNC, but if we kept California, then we could be alright because every else down south really kind of sucks.

Although, how many U.S. kids would go to CSA for college (Actually, I wonder if those down south would ever come up with the idea of college without us carpetbaggers). So, maybe all those stud athletes would go to U.S.A. schools.

But besides college sports, there’d be a lot of crazy stuff that would be different. Like, would they ever give up the slaves?

So I guess I can’t really make a determination if preserving the union was good or bad without more plausible scenarios.

Cigar Scavenger Hunt

December 19, 2008

I like to impress. I gave directions to a coworker for cigar shopping, since she knew nothing of cigars and wanted to get some decent ones for her boss.

I typed up step-by-step directions, with pictures, for the local cigar shop and swelled with pride when she returned with her mission accomplished.

She told me it was like a treasure hunt (turn left, when the wall juts out you will find item #1 in the middle shelf. Turn around and face the wall. Directly across from you is item #2… etc).


She told me the owner of the shop was impressed that I knew exactly where each cigar I recommended was in the store.

Even better than the self-esteem boost from this incident was when my coworker gave me one of the cigars I recommended as a thank you for my assistance.

My Fuente Hemingway is quite enjoyable. Thanks D’OB!

I could have saved it for the my drive to my parents house for Christmas, but I’ve got plenty in the humidor. I need to smoke cigars on long trips because it quells my road rage. Plus it’s fun to smoke a cigar while driving and blasting the Soporano’s Theme Song.