So, What’s Next?

January 21, 2010

In light of recent events (and I noticed a substantial increase in traffic this week, thanks!), I sent this letter to Conan O’Brien today:

Dear Conan,

I’d like to offer you my services for your FOX show, err, next future project.  I’m suddenly available because the dim-witted morons who are in charge of our operation decided to screw me over with a poor decision that was convenient for them, but really wasn’t thought through all the way (Stop me when this sounds familiar).

Anyhow, I’m a media relations specialist, with a journalism and creative writing background.  I didn’t get quite the severance package you did, so you may have to pry me away from an Arby’s in September, but I’m more than willing to ditch the exciting world of third-rate fast food joints for a network that’s third-rate in late night television.

I work hard and I’m willing to caress myself while wearing a costume of any wild animal. And if you need me to do that on your new show, even better.

I can send along a resume if you’re interested.



More TV Thoughts… Do You Know a Neilsen Family Member?

January 13, 2010

So while reading all the Conan/Leno stuff, a big deal is made about all of their Nielsen Ratings: How only 3 million people are watching Conan, yada yada yada.

Nielsen compiles these ratings by giving households around the US a special box that records their TV watching habits. It transmits the report each night to Nielsen via cable modem.

There are 25,000 Nielsen “Families.”

There are 210 TV markets in the US. The #207 market is Juneau, Alaska. It has more households than Nielsen has families.

Since the average household has 2.55 people per household on average (according to a Nielsen’s study), there are roughly 63,750 people in Nielsen households.  When they say “3 million people watched Conan last night” they mean that 656 people watched Conan last night.

The number of Nielsen family members is lower than the number of people that attended a home game for the football team with the poorest attendance… in the XFL.

There are fewer Nielsen family members providing ratings data than there are employees at 30 Rockefeller Center.

In other words, 0.008% of all American’s are factoring into the TV ratings. Statistically, you are more likely to know someone who was born with a sixth finger or toe than you are to know someone who’s opinion of TV shows actually matters.


Fixing NBC.

January 10, 2010

Aside from firing all those idiots…. there’s an easy way to solve their late-night issue of Leno’s show providing poor lead ins to the local news and Conan.

Shorten Leno’s bad show to a half hour an move it to 8:30.

Then they have 2,5 hours to fill now instead of five.

They don’t have to come up with FIVE 10 p.m. shows when other networks already have shows there with a fan base.

One episode of Leno would be in the middle of Thursday’s very strong lineup, improving its ratings.

Another Leno episode would be preceded by the good show from Thursday that has to move (Parks & Rec or Community).

You have to displace two shows that are one-hour programs that begin at 8 p.m. But that’s GOOD because you need 10 pm shows with a following as a strong lead in to the news to make your affiliates happy.

And you have one:  the #2 television DVD/Blue Ray by sales this week (#19 for all DVD/BR) that has been in the top 100 of DVD/BR sales for two whole months despite the fact that it was actually released on Tuesday. It has a cult following, which means you can move it  out of the most loaded time slot in television, and made it an awesome lead in for the news.

You’d need two new dramas and two new 30 minute shows, which could be reality shows, since they are the cheapest to produce.

Here’s what it could look like:

8:00 Community
8:30 Jay Leno
9:00 Parenthood
10:00 Chuck

8:00 The Biggest Loser
10:00 (New Show)

8:00 (New Sitcom/Reality Show)
8:30 Jay Leno
9:00 Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
10:00 Mercy

8:00 Parks and Recreation
8:30 Jay Leno
9:00 The Office
9:30 30 Rock
10:00 (New Show)

8:00 (New Reality Show)
8:30 Jay Leno
9:00 Law & Order
10:00 Dateline NBC

Their two new shows are after two of their highest rated shows (Biggest Loser and SVU). Why doesn’t that work perfectly?

Any TV executives may leave job offers in the comments.

How Does Anyone at NBC Have a Job?

January 8, 2010

NBC sees horrible Jay Leno Show ratings, bad Conan ratings (largely due to Leno’s poor lead ins and Letterman’s scandal ratings boost) and is now planning on moving Leno’s show to 11:35 with a half hour show before the Tonight Show at 12:05.

NBC decided Conan was their late night future and it was so important to keep Conan as Leno’s heir that they pushed Leno aside early. And now they are going to screw him over with this?

Tainting the legacy of the Tonight Show yet again by declaring Jay Leno is more important and pushing Conan to 12:05 is giving Conan a reason to be upset with NBC… when Leno is 60 years old.

Let’s not forget that Carson gave Leno “full time guest host” duties when Carson was 62 and retired at age 67. Leno has a few years left, and then NBC is going to turn back to Conan as their future…

… right around the same time David Letterman, 62 now, is also looking to step down.

Letterman, who was screwed over by NBC (at age 46, the same age Conan is now) is the owner of World Wide Pants, the production company of The Late Show. Wouldn’t he just love to go out by hiring Conan O’Brien to be his successor when he steps down — ideally at the exact same time as Jay Leno — delivering the ultimate “Screw You” to NBC?