Keep Right, Except To Pass

December 23, 2008

As I’m driving to Texas, it dawns on me just how much I hate Texas.

The people here think that everything about Texas is about 100x more awesome than anywhere else, but the fact remains: It sucks.

Houston and Dallas aren’t too bad. I haven’t been to Austin, but I hear its the best city there. But other than MAJOR CITIES, everything else about Texas completely sucks.

It bothers me that no one can drive. Every pickup truck driving Texan has to drive in the fast lane to prove his manhood, even though he’s doing about 2 mph over the posted speed limit. No one in the South seems to understand the concept of “keep right except to pass.”

I even recalled how proud one Texan was to inform me that Texas was it’s own country at one point. They say it with such pride, like it makes them better than other people. But there’s a reason that they came crawling to the United States and asked to be a state. And that’s because they’re complete freaking morons incapable of governing themselves.

This made me wonder… when the Civil War happened, what if “we” (as in my homeland of “The North”) let Texas and the South just go? How bizarre would it be if the South was another country?

First off: The name. Confederate States of America. Would that stick?

Secondly, what kind of borders would we have? Would it be like Canada, with a good relationship? I mean, it sounds absurd to suggest we wouldn’t just get back together like a college couple going through a spat (the make-up sex could certainly explain West Virginia). While it seems absurd, then it would be just as absurd that Canada never join the U.S.  But we’d have to have trade agreements, imports and exports, borders, etc. It would be weird.

If we only lost the Red States, college hoops would be just fine. Football? not so much
If we only lost the Red States, college hoops would be just fine. Football? not so much

And where would those borders go? Would California be USA or CSA? What if some state isolated from the CSA by surrounding United States wanted to join the CSA? Would they be prevented from doing so by geography? Or could they join like Boston College could join the ACC?

College sports could suck if we ended up with the wrong states for sports. Football could SUCK if all we had was the Big Ten and Notre Dame. College basketball could be great: We’d lose Duke and UNC, but if we kept California, then we could be alright because every else down south really kind of sucks.

Although, how many U.S. kids would go to CSA for college (Actually, I wonder if those down south would ever come up with the idea of college without us carpetbaggers). So, maybe all those stud athletes would go to U.S.A. schools.

But besides college sports, there’d be a lot of crazy stuff that would be different. Like, would they ever give up the slaves?

So I guess I can’t really make a determination if preserving the union was good or bad without more plausible scenarios.