Happy New Year from beautiful El Paso, Texas

January 1, 2009

I know New Year’s is a time to make changes for the better in your life, and not Thanksgiving, which was 6 weeks ago. But screw that. I’m incredibly thankful for free medical attention from our training staff. One of the best perks of my job (up there with free Nike gear and per diem) is free drugs and treatment for a variety of afflictions.

We arrived after a strenuous day of travel (More on this at the bottom), and my shoulder/back/neck was all jacked up. I slept wrong on Monday night, so all Tuesday, I got this bolt of discomfort when I turned my head, or when I moved my shoulders. CL gave me a quick tweak before a ball game on Tuesday, which is how I got through the evening. But Wednesday morning, I could barely get out of bed. Mainly because CL stretched  muscles I’d never used before in my neck. Being a whiner, I complained this morning that I was in rough shape and needed another tune up.

When we arrived in El Paso, she introduced me to the best thing that doesn’t involve bacon: The stim machine. Oh, electricity pulsing through your muscles, relaxing and massaging you. I’ve got wires hooked up to all parts of my back, shoulder and neck.

I need to buy one of these.

The travel to El Paso is quite a bitch in one sense, but after hearing Louis CK on Conan (video no longer available on YouTube, sorry), I can’t complain. To quote him as accurately as I can remember:

“People talk about air travel like it’s such a horrible experience… ‘Oh my God, it was the the worst day of my life! We were delayed for a half hour. Then they kept us on the runway for like, 20 minutes. And my seat was broken, it only went back like, an inch’

Yeah, but did the chair then SOAR THROUGH THE SKY, defying the laws of gravity and God? Did you sit in a flying chair in the sky? It used to take 30 years to go from New York to Los Angeles. People would die along the way. Others would be born. You’d be with an entirely new group of people by the time you get there. Now? Five hours. You read a magazine, take a dump and you’re home. People should be sitting on an airplane yelling ‘Oh my God! I’m flying through the air!'”

To Behave, or Not to Behave?

December 31, 2008

With a 6 p.m. departure from my apartment New Year’s Day, I’m not sure what my plan of attack is for this evening. I have multiple

offers, and a couple reasons for not wanting to attend any of said offers. The main reason being: I’ll probably not exhibit any amount of self control and stay up way too late, party way too hard, and be a mess in the morning.

What I need is a good accountibility person in my presence. Someone who shares the same 6 a.m. plight with me, and has to behave as well. Together, we might be able to draw strength from the pack and force ourselves to behave.

Or we could both instigate even worse shenanigans.

I actually would be just fine with poker and football for the evening.

Stream of Consciousness II

December 30, 2008

The annoying nagging of my mom over the Holidays was no where near as annoying as the yelping, potentially injured cat in my apartment complex courtyard, or the domestic arguments of my neighbors through paper thin walls. Much less gross to hear their sex, though (neighbors and the cat).

How does James Lipton be one of those elitist pricks who study the concepts of art and theatre and are “classically trained” (whatever that means) without coming off like an actual elitist prick? For a person who’s entire life is basically over intellectualizing people playing pretend, he’s charismatic as hell to pull that off.

This is the best time of the year: When I don’t have to go to the office and my workday only involves getting ready for the next event from the comfort of my own home/bed/porch.

Why does drinking during the daytime have such an allure?

I also learned (from James Lipton) that each noun has a specific phrase for the collective (i.e. A flock of seagulls, or a murder of crows). So, perhaps my post about five-year olds banding together should have used the collective “a pandemonium of toddlers,” which is unofficial and suggested by the folks at www.openbrackets.com. But I thought it extremely apt considering my literary circumstance.

For every commerical and article about “going green” and trying to save the planet… how come no one has tackled the biggest offender in over-use of garbage materials:  Dress shirt packaging? My God. There’s a wrapper, a hanging tag, two size stickers, a plastic inside the collar, cardboard under the collar, a plastic tab at the top button, a piece of cardboard down the back, and about 13 pins pointed the wrong direction (of which you can only find 12).

One of the main reasons I decided living in the south wouldn’t be a bad thing was the weather. When I was outside Kate’s gym in whatever state she’s living now, it was really freaking cold.

I had always believed that everyone but me has a great awesome time on New Year’s Eve, and I’m the only one having a boring time and no fun. But now I know that about 67% of people have mediocre New Year’s Eve’s. Mine will be mediocre because I have a 6 am flight New Year’s Day to El Paso, Texas. I don’t like El Paso because it combines three of my least favorite things: ridiculously long travel days, Texas and Mexico.