Are You an Alcoholic? No, But You Are An Addict

February 3, 2009

I am not an alcoholic. However, after passing the simple 20-question quiz, I realized I would fail miserably if it was a quiz determining if I was addicted to cleanliness. Here’s the same exact quiz, only with “shower” substituted for “drink”:

1. Do you lose time from work due to showering?
Occasionally, I’m late, yes.

2. Is showering making your homelife unhappy?
No, of course not.

3. Do you shower because you are shy with other people?
Well, I’m certainly not doing it with someone else!

4. Is showering affecting your reputation?
No. I think it would if I didn’t.

5. Have you ever felt remorse after showering?
Yes, when I used all the hot water.

6. Have you had financial difficulties as a result of showering?
No, water is cheap.

7. Do you turn to inferior companions and environments when showering?
No, because I’m shy and do it alone.

8. Does your showering make you careless of your family’s welfare?
I have no family, so I’m only responsible to myself.

9. Has your ambition decreased since showering?
To go to work, yes.

10. Do you crave a shower daily?
Yeah, every morning.

11. Do you crave a shower at a definite time daily?
Uh, yeah.

12. Does showering cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
Yeah. I have to get up and do it before work. So it’s definitely interfering with my sleep.

13. Has your efficiency decreased since showering?
Sleep efficiency? Yeah.

14. Is showering jeopardizing your job or business?
No.

15. Do you shower to escape from worries or trouble?
It’s relaxing after a long bad day, yes.

16. Do you shower alone?
I thought we covered this.

17. Have you ever had a loss of memory as a result of showering?
Not since I switched to liquid soap. But there was one incident.

18. Has you physician ever treated you for showering?
Nope.

19. Do you shower to build up your self-confidence?
I feel sexier when clean, so, I guess so.

20. Have you ever been to a hospital or institution on account of showering?
No.

Your score is 50%. According to the Office of Health Care Programs, Johns Hopkins University Hospital, developers of this screening quiz, if you answered as few as 3 of these questions with a Yes it is a definite sign that your showering patterns are harmful and considered shower dependent or shower-holic. Since you answered more than 3 questions Yes you should seek an evaluation by a health care professional.

So there you have it. We’re all shower addicts.


California…Knows How to Party

January 17, 2009

New York on the other hand, got stuck being the DD. You know California (aka Sunshine). New York was me.

Miss Daisy and her chauffer

Miss Daisy and her chauffer

Now, for a number of reasons, I was more than happy to do it. I offered my services well in advance, and I think it was a very wise, responsible and good thing that I did it. I should have done it. I was wise to do it. I’m glad I could help in some small way facilitate good times. However, I will point out that being the DD sucks. Royally.

In hindsight, I’m sorry I ever started to drink ever. When I was in college, I didn’t drink at all (save a couple moments where delicious whiskey was used as flavor in coffee, or on one occasion to prove a point to two sissified roommates). And I had a lot more fun than I have now.

Really. I’ve had some good times boozing it up, but I really had a fantastic time because… well, I was (am) a bit of an attention whore and class clown. So to me, nothing was funnier than being crazy/stupid and having people laugh at me for doing crazy random shizzle while sober. It was awesome. I can’t tell you how many times I had to convince people that when they met me at some party, I wasn’t drunk. (“But you were standing on the back of your couch doing the Humpty Dance with a pair of boxer shorts on your head.”)

Now, it seems so forced to try and be the fun-loving sober guy. I am the fun-loving guy when I’m sober. But it just seems like I’m trying too hard.

Then again, I probably try harder and stupider if I’ve been drinking. But at least I don’t think about it.

I'd say a great time

I'd say a great time

Anyhow, I DID have a good time, those around me had a good time (ok, great time) and I’ll have to post some pictures of California LeMastey getting down on her birthday. (And I was probably just pissy because beer gives me a headache and I had one. So don’t feel guilty if you read this, CLM; you had a great time, and I’m glad you did. HVN also is really glad that I drove. And my career. The half dozen random guys who were trying to take advantage of you probably aren’t, but they were douchebags anyway).


Caution: Hard Hat Area

December 17, 2008

Nothing really exciting is going on right now.  Last night we had the unofficial work holiday party at a local bar. We had a back room to ourselves, and a free keg of some mediocre American Lite Beer. About eight of us stayed til the bitter end. Lots of people left to go get food, which was odd because the place we were at actually had food.

The others left in two large groups,and I wasn’t sure who was in each group and who went where. Which led to one (in hindsight) hilarious text exchange with a coworker, who thought I was asking if she “left with” a male coworker of ours. She inferred that I was being a drunk a-hole and implying she was engaged in scandalous extracurricular activities, when in fact I was really trying to ascertain where to take the party to.

We ended up taking it… no where. Because we had a freaking free keg in the backroom! Why would you leave a free keg?

We tried to get rid of the keg, but the cups just weren’t big enough. Lucky for us, one person brought a construction hard hat with him. So we filled it with beer and passed it around.

Because that’s not exciting, here’s Bert and Ernie rocking out to Ante Up:


I Hate Fruit

December 9, 2008

Don’t get me wrong, fruit itself is delicious. It just has no business getting involved in alcoholic drinks.

I now have a clogged sink in my office (there’s a kitchenette right behind my desk) that is the epitome of nasty. And I blame the fruity shots of pineapple booze I was ordered to consume by a superior officer. I felt just fine, until in order to combat dehydration, I had some orange Gatorade. Hello flashbacks to the pineapple, goodbye stomach contents, hello nasty sink.

The lesson, as always: Clear or Brown, Drink it Down. Yellow or Pink, Don’t You Drink.

Linkage: You know you wanna see the picture of the clogged sink