The New Capital of the World: Stockton.

August 28, 2010

I signed up for cable on Monday. They told me the earliest they could get out to hook it up is in three weeks.

It’s a freaking cable box. I plug the cables into the back and its done. Can’t I just pick the thing up? I know it’s HD, but I have a college degree, I can handle five cords.

There is no conceivable reason for this to take three weeks.   They do installs from 9-5, Monday through Saturday. Let’s say it’s one guy working all 48 hours, and that guy completes one install every half hour. That means I’m the 288th household in line.

The 288 new households equates to a population growth rate of 13.8% for the metro area. PER INSTALL GUY.

I saw three trucks on the street on Thursday. Now, it’s probably three people working a combined 96 hours for two install “guys” per week.  Which means there’s really 576 new households. That’s a population growth rate of 17.5%

That’s only like 63rd in the country. But those rates are over a 10-year period from 2000 to 2010. So, we’d really be at a 92.9% growth rate. Which is easily the highest in America and well over twice the growth rate of the Mormon capital of the world (of course, their households are limited to one new member per nine months).

So, what AT&T Cable is trying to tell me is that: A) they have three install guys and B) In 2020, the population of Stockton, California will go from 674,860 people in 2009 to 6.3 million.

Or maybe I have this all wrong and they have more install guys. If they have a team of say, 21 install guys, that means I’m 4032nd in line (which would make it easier to accept a three-week wait). But that means in 10 years we’ll have 39.9 million people and be 7 million people larger than Tokyo, the current largest city in the world.

I don’t even want to consider the ramification of the fact that we have TWO cable companies. All things being equal, this metro area would be the size of the 18th largest country in the world and over 1% of the world’s population would live here in 2020.  Hmmm. Maybe we could get our own MLB and NHL teams (Not that I could watch them on cable).

Just bring me the cable box already. I clearly need the entertainment.

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Stream of Consciousness X (Toasted Laptop Edition)

September 17, 2009

Hours before my trip to New York, I got online to confirm my flight reservations and discovered my computer had a virus. So, instead of being online constantly, as per my usual, I went virtually six days with no internet access. I checked email occassionally, and did a fantasy draft from my grandma’s computer. But nothing significant.

When I got back, I fired up my old personal one (with re-attached N key) and set the other one to IT. But I lack my documents and settings. and have felt naked for 10 days. Since I created the site on the work computer, I also lost my password for this site, so that explains the lack of updates.

Lucky for me, I kept some notes while I was gone, so Brought to you by my missing N key, here’s the Toasted Computer Random Notes/Stream of Consciousness X:

When can we make High Definition TV the standard, and dump standard def?

My brother things the Death Pool is too sick to get into. But he and his co-workers do random gambling pools and fantasy sports (My brother knows NOTHING about the NHL, but wins that league each year because no one he works with in Waco, Texas, has ever actually watched hockey).
So my brother developed a new Fantasy Sport: Fantasy Death Pool. Instead of participating in the pool, they draft the participants of MY DEATH POOL. And whomever has the person who wins my pool, wins their pot.

I met my Bro-ddy Tom, (that’s half Brother/Half Buddy. Next Door neighbor growing up, my mom babysat him. He’s my little brother) in Rochester and saw his son Jackson, who’s a legitimately cute baby. Seeing Tom with Jackson was amazing, because I went to college when he was 14, and then moved to Dayton. So I never saw the part where he learned to take care of himself, let alone another human being. I can’t wait til little Jackson grows into the David Wright jersey I gave him.

Had drinks with my friend while in Rochester, and we saw a high school classmate tending the bar. We didn’t say hello and had to ask our waitress her name. She mentioned to the waitress that she recognized my friend and I reveled in the fact that because I cut my grunge era hair in college, I get to dictate all interactions with old high school classmates. She’s not going to recognize me, so I get to decide which former classmates I want to talk to.

CLM quit. Her last day was Wednesday. She’s moving on to Life 2.1. Losing an office mate sucks, but my number of non-work friends in this city just doubled.

And speaking of the office, I did jot down all the moments from the office over the past few weeks, so MorganBowers25.com is updated.

With my computer being toast, there were plenty of awkward moments when I had to respond to the implication that I got a virus on my computer from downloading illicit pornography. Which simply isn’t true.  /  IT guys must hate dealing with customers. Every single person is not only lying about not viewing pornography, but also freaking out and saying crazy things like “My whole life is on there!” They probably just want people to shut up so they can fix the computer, which is what they are good at.

The next time I get good customer service in New Orleans will probably be the first.

I don’t care what he does politically, the fact that our president has guys over for a beer, calls Kanye West a jackass, and sounds like The Rock makes me proud to be an American.

Stream of Conciousness XI

Hours before my trip to New York, I got online to confirm my flight reservations and discovered my computer had a virus. So, instead of being online constantly, as per my usual, I went virtually six days with no internet access. I checked email occassionally, and did a fantasy draft from my grandma’s computer. But nothing significant.

When I got back, I fired up my old personal one (with re-attached N key) and set the other one to IT. But I lack my documents and settings. and have felt naked for 10 days. Since I created the site on the work computer, I also lost my password for this site, so that explains the lack of updates.

Lucky for me, I kept some notes while I was gone, so you have Toasted Computer Random Notes. Brought to you buy my missing N key.

When can we make High Definition TV the standard, and dump standard def?

My brother things the Death Pool is too sick to get into. But he and his co-workers do random gambling pools and fantasy sports (My brother knows NOTHING about the NHL, but wins that league each year because no one he works with in Waco, Texas, has ever actually watched hockey).
So my brother developed a new Fantasy Sport: Fantasy Death Pool. Instead of participating in the pool, they draft the participants of MY DEATH POOL. And whomever has the person who wins my pool, wins their pot.

I met my Bro-ddy Tom, (that’s half Brother/Half Buddy. Next Door neighbor growing up, my mom babysat him. He’s my little brother) in Rochester and saw his son Jackson, who’s a legitimately cute baby. Seeing Tom with Jackson was amazing, because I went to college when he was 14, and then moved to Dayton. So I never saw the part where he learned to take care of himself, let alone another human being. I can’t wait til little Jackson grows into the David Wright jersey I gave him.

Had drinks with my friend while in Rochester, and we saw a high school classmate tending the bar. We didn’t say hello and had to ask our waitress her name. She mentioned to the waitress that she recognized my friend and I reveled in the fact that because I cut my grunge era hair in college, I get to dictate all interactions with old high school classmates. She’s not going to recognize me, so I get to decide which former classmates I want to talk to.

Awkward moment with the friend from drinks: Discussing failed attempts at romance, she made a comment about how she’s looking for a relationship and just wishes someone she knew before, like from high school, would re-enter her life a relationship could start from there, so she wouldn’t have to try and find new people and discover they are crazy. Awkward because we had that brief pause in which I’m thinking “Does she mean me? What am I supposed to say to that?” and I bet she’s thinking “Oh crap, does he think I meant him?” or she’s waiting to see if I take the bait.

It’s entirely possible (or probable!) that she wasn’t talking about me at all and I just have an ego problem. I also thought the whole reason my co-worker CLM changed her hair color from Chocolate-CHERRY was because she discovered I have a thing for redheads; and it was her non-confrontational way of saying “Don’t even think about it. No chance in hell.” (Cue Carly Simon’s You’re So Vain).

Speaking of CLM, she quit. Her last day was Wednesday. She’s moving on to Life 2.1. Losing an office mate sucks, but my number of non-work friends in this city just doubled.

And speaking of the office, I did jot down all the moments from the office over the past few weeks, so MorganBowers25.com is updated.

With my computer being toast, there were plenty of awkward moments when I had to respond to the implication that I got a virus on my computer from downloading illicit pornography. Which simply isn’t true.  /  IT guys must hate dealing with customers. Every single person is not only lying about not viewing pornography, but also freaking out and saying crazy things like “My whole life is on there!” They probably just want people to shut up so they can fix the computer, which is what they are good at.

The next time I get good customer service in New Orleans will probably be the first.

I don’t care what he does politically, the fact that our president has guys over for a beer, calls Kanye West a jackass, and sounds like The Rock makes me proud to be an American.


Cox.

May 4, 2009

I’ve been busy relocating to a new pad (which is pimptastic. and cheaper), so I’ve been lax in both writing, and having interesting things happen besides picking things up, driving them across town and putting them down.

One thing I had to do was drop off my cable box and remote at Cox Cable, since my new place has DirecTV.

Now, the Cox building is far away from anything, full of disgruntled customers and slow moving southern beaurocrats. You take a number and sit. Only everyone has different letters which starts your number, So it goes from “Now serving B394891” to “Now Server E1389284.” Which leaves you sitting there praying for death.

This D-Bag sells D-Bundles.

This D-Bag sells D-Bundles.

It’s like the DMV, only with more comfortable seating and TVs everywhere. But the TVs are on the Cox Cable propoganda station. All I see is a this animated D-Bag, telling me I can save a bundle, yada yada yada. I’m thinking “What a waste, 700 channels and we’re stuck watching this? Wait. I have a remote in my hand!”

So I turn the channel to ESPNHD. Bam. SportsCenter. Life is good.

Other people saw what I did, and those of whom which also had remotes in their hands changed the TVs near them.

I flipped around, trying to find something better when a guy sat down next to me and was mezmorized. I told him the remote worked, and hopefully he liked my taste.

They finally called my number, and that guy quickly change the channel.

It only occurred to me later that I should have checked channels I don’t get, instead of flipping around HD. Maybe they had some awesome movies on PPV. Or maybe they got the Spice Channel. That would have been hysterical, to change it to the Spice Channel on my way out and crank the volume as I escaped and left the people in the waiting room watching some different Cox programming.

Get it? It’s a pun. Cox.


Ah, Customer Service

April 20, 2009

Me: Hi, my DVR records things with pixelated stutters. Why is that? Why can’t you provide me with a service that works?

CSR: Well, it only does that when there’s a lot of sudden pixel changes. That will happen sometimes. Are you trying to watch a program with fast movement?

Me: I’m trying to watch a freaking race. It’s all fast movement.