KevFu Auditions For Big Brother 12. Call Back Not Expected

April 1, 2010

They had an open casting call for Big Brother 12 today, on the other side of Austin. Big Brother is the only reality show (save for the first season of Amazing Race when Swain won) that I’ve watched, and that was because Amy lured me in with the promises of a home cooked meal while I was still in Dayton. After watching it there, I basically kept watching future seasons in New Orleans as an excuse to text Amy and Vera more often than I otherwise would.

So, what better way to for them to keep tabs on me than go on the show?  Since I’m unemployed, I sit around all day doing nothing, I might as well try to do that with a $500,000 cash prize at the end.

When I had the idea, which was Wednesday, I printed off the 13-page questionnaire and answered some questions. I’ll spare you all 70 questions, and give you some highlights:

(13) Have you ever appeared in any television programs or films or movies or commercials or advertisements of any kind?

I was Elf #2 in an ad (voice only) while interning at a radio station.

(18) Are there any nude or other revealing or compromising images of you that are available publicly either through the Internet, video or otherwise? If so, please describe and explain.

No, but if they’d be helpful for the show’s publicity, just ask.

(26) If you drink, how often do you get drunk? How do you act when you get drunk?

Every once in a while. Like me, only louder.

(33) What is your favorite TV show(s)?

The fine programming on CBS and Endermol Productions.

(49) When was the last time (if any) you hit, punched, kicked, or threw something in anger? Please provide details.

March 12, 2010. When Dayton lost the A-10 quarterfinal game against Xavier, blowing their NCAA chances, I threw my wallet against the door in frustration and kicked the garbage can.

(52) If you could hold any political office, what would it be and why?

“Ruler of all I survey” so I could make everything better.

(53) What is the accomplishment you are most proud of?

#1 – At a basketball game, I was coordinating timeouts for TV and had to hold up play for four minutes. Members of the crowd of 13,409 began chanting “asshole” at me.

#2 – A guy in front of me tried to time a light, rolling towards the intersection. He had to stop and immediately the light turned green. I immediately gave him the “It’s Green! Go!” honk. It was awesome.

(60) What would you do if “Big Brother” made you famous?

Marry someone better looking that I could otherwise pull on my own.

(62) What types of people would you NOT choose to live with you in the house?

People who snore or have tourettes.

(64) What do you think would be the most difficult part of living in the “Big Brother” house?

Figuring out a way to record all the sporting events I’d have to miss. That would take dozens of DVRs.

The line for Big Brother 12 Auditions in Austin

Thursday was the casting call, so I drove over and found the place. When I got in line (which was about 25 people deep), a woman in front of me was holding a stack of papers.

Her: “Are you here to audition for Big Brother?”

Me: “Yes.”

Her: “Go to the table up front, check in and get an application”

I checked in, but had the app in my back pocket. When I returned, she said “Did you get an application?”

Me: “Yes.”

She looked me up and down because I was holding a cup of coffee and no app. She said “No, you need to fill out an application.”

I pulled it out of my pocket.

Me: “So, are you running the show? What’s going on here?”

Her: “No, I’m just in line.”

I began to realize that my level of attractiveness is a detriment to my chances of beating out someone like Summer

A few minutes later, a girl came up behind me in line, I said “You need to go to the table up front, check in, and get an application.” She returned, sans app. I asked if she had one, she pulled it out of her purse, and she asked if I was auditioning or working the line.

So the girl in front of me (who’s name I can’t remember, but she  was endowed like Christina Hendricks, so we’ll call her Christina) and the girl behind me, Summer, a dentist who aspires to open her own dental office, all got to talking.

After updating my Twitter (“Line is entertaining. Disappointed I won’t be in a house with them”), I realized I would need pictures for this recap. So I took a very unflattering picture of Christina, who called me out for taking her picture. She didn’t like the pic, so I deleted it. I took a picture of Summer, and realized “She’s cute. I might have to get my molar checked out.” (Don’t worry my legions of female fans, she has a boyfriend so no  Showmance potential).

We discussed what we put our applications, Catch Phrase, the ridiculous wind wreaking havoc on their hair (Advantage: Bald Guy.) and other fun topics. Then we began to discuss the casting and strategies for getting on the show.

Christina was of the belief that the show has in mind certain types they are looking for, so it doesn’t matter what you put on your application trying to fool them. If they want a gay cowboy from Austin, it doesn’t matter how the rest of us do in auditions.

At this point, the guy in the plaid shirt in front of us entered the conversation, lisping “I could be a cowboy!” He added that his partner told him he should really “play up the gay,” but he doesn’t act very gay (his words, not mine).

That's a loud shirt, I looked like I slept in my clothes

I surveyed the line and realized, “If they’re looking for a straight male from Austin, I might have this in the bag.” Take a look at those people. They were all wearing loud shirts and looking like three-dollar bills.

I explained that I felt I had no shot, because I looked like I had slept in my clothes (jeans, Tulane ‘Thriv’ T-Shirt), and was surrounded by people trying to impress, some good looking people – some of whom had large breasts.

Christina reminded me that the breasts would only help if they were looking for a sweet girl with large breasts, if they’re looking for a funny guy who’s entertaining to talk to, I could get the gig. Someone added “and if they’re looking for a black guy, we’re all out of luck!”

I said “I could be a militant black guy!” and proceeded to do my impression of Hooper X from Chasing Amy.

As the line moved and people who’d already gone walked past the line to leave, we asked what was going on. Basically, you stand in front of the camera and they say “ok, go.” And you have two minutes to say whatever you like that you think will impress them.

We all commented that we have no idea what we were going to say. But instead of thinking of something, we continued talking, because that was a lot more fun.

The conversation turned to the questionnaire’s inquiries about drinking and how there’s a total lack of context. People who drink socially would sound like alcoholics. I busted out my “alcoholic quiz sounds like everyone has a problem. Try replacing drink/drinking with shower/showering” schtick, which killed as always. But Christina shared her story of being in a relationship with an real alcoholic, which probably helps her chances. I should have made up something about a dead mother.

It was Christina’s turn to go on camera, and Summer called out “Hey, you’ve got leaf on your skirt.” Christina picked it off, and said “Thanks! That would have been embarrassing!”

I yelled “Don’t worry, they’re only going to show you from here up” and held my hand inches below my throat.

She shouted back “It better be from HERE up” and held her hand under her rack.

When Christina was called, we realized she was the 50th person to audition… and amazingly, in an hour and ten minutes, NO ONE had joined the line behind us. When Alberto (he was actually in between myself and Christina, but spent only about 10 minutes in line because he was sitting off to the side filling out his questionnaire) was doing his stand-up, a 54th person entered the line and Summer took her turn as the Big Brother Casting Specialist.

Finally, I got to the front of the line, and I chatted with the camera guy, asking if he needed a white balance (once a media relations director, always a media relations director) and if they had any input on the casting or if they were just delivering the stand-ups. They were just delivering the stand-ups. I held up a white board with my name and number (#52), pretending I was posing for a mug shot. And then they rolled.

I introduced myself, said why I think I’d be a good personality for the show, cracked some horrible joke(s), and ended it in about 55 seconds. A very poor performance on my part. Oh well, it was more fun chatting in line.

As I tweeted again (“Well that sucked. They should have recorded me in line. My performance there was much better.”), I realized I should have had Summer roll video on my camera phone of my stand-up, so I could post it here.  Great ideas always come too late. Instead, here’s a picture of Summer’s stand-up, so you could see the situation we were up against.

They should send these tapes to TV stations looking for news reporters to do fluff pieces

Then we all wished each other good luck and told each other we’d root for them if they got on the show. I got Summer’s number so I can get my molar worked on once I have dental insurance again.

But more importantly, it was an entertaining way to spend four hours of my life (I spent about two hours driving with the traffic on the way home). Christina and Summer were both cool, and I had a lot of fun meeting people my age for the first time in a month.

I’ll be interested to see whom Big Brother selects from Austin. Because unless they want a militant black guy like me, my money’s on Summer or the gay guy in plaid.

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Location, Location, Location

January 5, 2009

I’ve noticed my location has a lot to do with my actions/emotions. It’s weird. But I get frustrated/angrier easier in my office/arena than on the road. Even if it’s the exact same transgression. I don’t have the urge for a cigar if I’m not home. And I also could be working on the exact saame amount of sleep, but will be tired and go to bed earlier in a hotel than at home. I was exhausted Sunday night, but stayed up late because I was home, and that’s normal.

Then again, maybe the reason I wanted to go to bed was because I was in El Paso. You know what’s the fun thing to do in El Paso? Pack up your stuff and get the hell out.

We were playing UTEP, which is in El Paso. UTEP’s campus is about a long golf drive from Juarez, Mexico. It’s a place not many people would ever like to go (UTEP, El Paso or Juarez). I think it makes you insane. I can back this up with the conversations I overheard on the bus as we drove from hotel to arena and back multiple times for practice and the game last year.

One conversation focused on how if you were in such a situation, you’d rather die fighting for your independence from aliens or killer robots rather than be enslaved by them. It isn’t quite as poetic as “it’s better to die on your feet than live on your knees,” but it’s certainly a sound philosophy.

Another conversation was about the pros and cons of selling drugs if you lived in El Paso. This quickly turned into a very in depth discussion about how if you were stuck living in there, you could have a pretty good career manufacturing fake documents for illegal immigrants. This struck me as odd, because over the course of the very intellectual conversation about the supply and demand of such services, no one mentioned the very premise of why illegal immigrants need said documents: That being so they can gain legal employment and enjoy the benefits of an American (renting cars, easy travel, etc).

However, the reason for the demand is the very same reason no logical human being capable of such intellectual thought about fake document supply and demand would ever find themselves actually doing this activity. Namely that (a) as an American, you can get a job anywhere with your legitimate documents, and (b) even if you weren’t a legal citizen, you would have the skills to fake documents so you’d appear to be, so why the hell would anyone be in El Paso? If you could get a job somewhere else, you would.

I’ve got to think that even if your business were something like working for the Old El Paso taco supply company, you’d try to get a job at a competitor elsewhere. Why else would that Pace picante sauce commercial point out that most other brands were produced in places like New York City? Even that industry doesn’t want to be in El Paso.