Products Which Shouldn’t Exist

January 31, 2009

Tim brought me a pair of burgers while I was working the other night. They were good. Explaining what I wanted on them and why led to a conversation about Products Which Shouldn’t Exist:

Shaving Cream

We have shaving gel now. Who’s actually still using shaving cream? No one under 46 I imagine. The only places I’ve seen it is in grandfathers bathrooms or guest bathrooms. Hotels always carry it in the little pantry-area gift shop. The only places I’ve ever seen shaving cream is there, or in old people’s bathrooms. You know, the people who also have the small bottle of Old Spice or Brut after shave next to it.

Yellow Mustard

There is no conceivable function for which yellow mustard is better than other types of mustards. Brown or deli mustard (or “creole” in Louisiana) are infinitely superior to yellow, as are Honey, Spicy or Dijon.

On what is yellow mustard better than those other mustards?

Pretzels? No. (Nance’s Sharp and Creamy is good on those)

Sandwiches? Absolutely not.

Hamburgers? Don’t be ridiculous.

Hot Dogs? Sure you jest, you nazi bastard.

Monostat 7

Monostat 5 and Monostat 3 exist. Why use the seven-day product instead of the three? (See Howie Mandel’s standup for hilarious commentary)

American Cheese

America is the World’s Only Remaining Super Power. So how come our cheese sucks so bad? We should acquire a better cheese and eliminate American cheese. As this conversation from long ago with my friend Andrew illustrates.

Kev: You know, as Americans, we really got screwed when it comes to cheese
Andrew: You mean American cheese?
Kev: Yeah, it sucks.
Kev: We’re freaking America, we should just take someone’s cheese.
Kev: What about provolone. Let’s take that! What are they going to do?
Andrew: We already did
Andrew: American is just mild cheddar
Kev: Mild? it’s not even sissy little girl cheddar
Andrew: Provolone is a good cheese
Kev: Yes. And American sucks.
Andrew: I don’t mind American cheese. There’s worse.
Kev: Yeah, there’s worse. But we deserve the World’s Only Remaining Super Cheese.
Kev: America’s cheese isn’t the best option for anything.
Andrew: Sure it is. You’ve got ricotta and cottage. America crushes that. I don’t want to eat a cheese that looks like white vomit.
Kev: I agree. But I mean, “what’s the best cheese for _______?”
Andrew: You’re saying there is nothing that American cheese dominates. I see.
Kev: Nachos? no. Burgers? no. crackers? hell no. Tacos? Definitely not.
Andrew: So you’d put Provolone on burgers?
Kev: Over American? Every day of the week!
Andrew: Actually, that would be good.
Andrew: mmmmm New American cheese.

Andrews on board. Bush’s last act as President should have been to invade Provolone and take their cheese. Where is that, anyway? Italy? If that’s too hard, Swiss would be an easy target. Or any French cheese.

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