This is all the funny quotes from our office. It’s named after a student-worker who saw and said she wanted her own website:

Warning: Might not be funny without context. And definitely contains foul language.


MB: (Regarding the school Dance Team) Look at them dancing around like the sluts their mothers were.

MB: I know I come in here and screw around a lot, but I happen to be amazing at everything I do.

MB: All southern guys look like 35 year old dads.

MB: Richie is the mean girl of the office… My mom is the mean girl at home.  That girl was the mean girl in Mean Girls.

MB: I feel like I’m the mom, and my mom is the irrational teenager that I need to control.

MB: People talk slower down South. I like it… errr,… I… Like…It…

Kevin: I think Morgan is just naturally high…
Morgan: on Life, or other amphetamines.

MB: (On her parents mismatched) They should never have had children… I mean, I want to be born, but.

MB: (In response to hearing Kevin say “I love you” on the phone)  Oooh… your mom?

MB: Southern gay guys aren’t fabulous. They’re just weird.

MB: Why won’t this work? (while using white out on a yellow legal pad)

MB: By the way, I’m having a hard time finding Jews here. Isn’t this supposed to be Jew-Lane?

Marissa: “I want a baby. That I can just like play with for a little while and then give away.”

Erica: “Canadians are so weird.”

MB: “I cannot wait to work baseball, all those guys are hot.”
KA: “Yeah, and they’re all assholes.”
MB: “I’m into that.”
KA: “and they all have girlfriends.”
MB: “I’m into that, too.”

MB: “I have a friend who’s not gay. But he’s really bad at talking to girls. So he hooks up with guys… No. He’s not gay. We tried to hook him up with some girls, but he’s just really awkward with girls. Like he can’t talk to them. So he hooks up with guys so he gets some action. He’s not gay…”

MB: “Happy President’s Day!”
RW: “It’s Martin Luther King Day.”
MB: “Oh. That changes everything. I’ve been celebrating President’s Day all day today!”
RW: “You know Jerry Falwell… the conservative reverend dude?”
MB: “He played a Teletubby?”

MB: This place doesn’t fall apart when I’m in here.

MB: Your body isn’t symmetrical
KW: Yeah, like your hearts on your left side and your kidney is on the right.
MB: Well, those are things you only have one of.

MB: Cashews are the vanilla ice cream of peanuts.

MB: Kevin, did you do a Marti Gras last year?

MB: Everyone I meet thinks I’m way older… because I don’t act like this in public.

MB: I’m going to quit school.
KW: And join the circus!
MB: That’s great. Join the circus. I’m just going to keep taking your advice and see where that takes me. Great places! Join the circus.

(as Eric and Richie chew on sunflower seeds in the office)
MB: You guys are so Southern
Richie: How?
MB: With your sunflower seeds, your accents, your dip… the horses you ride to work.

Frank: The Wii is fun. I was at my cousin’s playing it. I was lying down on the bed, practicing my bitch slap.

KW: “I don’t know what we’re going to do with you, Morgan.”
MB: “Promote me… to princess.”

In the room: Kevin, Morgan, Whitney
KW: That’s funny, we’re in Louisiana and we have two California girls and one New York girl. (laughter). Damn it!

Kevin:  I’m not judgmental.
Mallory: I AM!

WH: “Is it normal for there to be a warrant out for your arrest without you knowing why?”

WH: “This girl I know said her car got keyed after she signed with Tulane instead of LSU. But it could have been for other reasons… because she’s a huge bitch.”

WH:  “Stupid pot-smoking hippies”

WH: “They grow fake Christmas trees in San Juan.”

WH: “St. Patrick’s Day is always a gong show because everyone is so Irish and happy.”

RW: “He was so drunk, we thought he turned gay.”

WH: “It just bothers me that they went out into the swamps in the middle of the night. I think they had butt sex.”
EH: “Why should that bother you?”
WH: “That my boyfriend had butt sex?”

WH: “I don’t know any Pikes who haven’t roofied girls.” (to Eric, who’s a Pike)

MH: “Because I’m not a boy and I don’t like cartoons.”

MH: “She should not be a racecar driver, women aren’t good drivers!” – on Danica Patrick

MH: “She needs to get control of her life or just kill herself.”

Kat: “This guy has 16.8 billion dollars, he can get his teeth fixed!”

Kat: “I’m a big believer in letting it all out…. I sneeze loud, and I love it.”

Eric: “Wait, it’s done now? But in my story, I referred to May in the past tense, thinking it would come out in June or July!” (May 13th).

CD: “Hello?  Yeah… that’s the gayest thing I’ve ever seen!” (While on phone, possibly discussing his purchase of a new mirror)

CD: “Krispy Kreme is like crack for white people”

EH: “I’m between a shit and a hard place.”

RW: “I saw a monkey with a baked potato and I was like ‘Damn, what are the odds?'”

LS: “You can’t be expected to know what you don’t know.”

AL: “He’s really dark. Like, as black as you” (to Caucasian KW)

CD: (Sigh) We’re all fucked.

Gustav Edition
Rob: More like a mentally sexual bond.

MP: Travis, does sucking dick make you deaf?
T: What?

50 year old creepy dude, interrupting our conversation (which happened to be about how Sarah Palin is kinda hot):  How about that vice president candidate, huh? There’s one fine looking lady.

TR (standing in ice cream bar line with an ice cream cone): They told me this was the salad bar!

TK: It’s for like, radiation and chemotherapy patients, or people with viral illnesses.
KW: Most of my last girlfriends come from these three groups.

GR: No white girl can do this.

As band plays You Give Love A Bad Name
X: You can’t play you’re part and you’re to blame, you give bands a bad name
X: You can’t read music so you’re at ******, darlin’ you give bands a bad name

TK: I gotta have some minorities as my friends on facebook

Mallory: They weren’t throwing game at me, because I had bitch on my face.

RW (about Jason): “He’s doing good, he’s about to shoot himself in the fucking face, but other than that, he’s doing real good.”

MH: Kick the ball in her face and make her prettier.

KW: You’ve got to be pretty secure in your manhood to go out on Halloween as Richard Simmons.

CLM: He’s gay. He doesn’t have any manhood.

CLM: Keri Russell is hot!

RM: It’s not incest if you do it in the butt.

RM: I brought a little taste for you. But we have to kiss.

CLM: I love Dream Weaver
KW (singing): Dreeeaam Weaver…
RW (walking by, singing) That’s my name, do not wear it out.

CLM: I smell a football player

TD: It’s 11:11. Everyone make a wish. (two minutes go by). Maybe he IS dead.

CD: Hey, can you come here when you get a second?
KW: Yeah. Before or after I place our order?
CD: After, of course.

MH:  Why are they clapping, didn’t they play horrible?

KW: We should get punching bag in here, to relieve stress.
MH: Just hit CD.

RM: Just because we’re talking about WHAM! doesn’t mean we are gay.

X: I just saw the perfect sign for the athletic department
X: For Sale?
X: Under New Management?

RM: I just came in to pump sunshine into this office.

RM: Just because we’re talking about Wham doesn’t make us gay.

RM: I wanna write a power-ballad about it.

WN: Marrying him is like being married to a Hallmark Card

KA: Why is Garfield’s favorite food lasagna?
CLM: I don’t know, why?
KA: I don’t know either.
KW: Oh I thought there was some kind of punchline
KA: Nope.

RW: I’ll eat anything if it’s wrapped in bacon. Cancer wrapped in bacon? Sure, give me two.

CLM: Trent needs a meat sandwich

TG: I found the football game on
TG: (sings NBC theme song)
KW: (sings Gargamel bridge of Smurfs theme). Oh wait, that’s the smurfs.
TG: Maybe you can find that online

RW: I’d go early so they can get acclimated to the elevation. I mean, the air up there… they’ve got Diet Air. Half the calories of regular air!

RW: What happened to John Travolta’s son?
KW: Uh, he died of something
RW: Stopped Staying Alive, huh?

KW: I never should have started helping people.
MH: I know, right, because then you become their father. And you’re not their father. Or their mother. But then they expect you to be one of their parents, and they just take, take, take from you! Argh. could soon be on the way:

KH: I once dreamed a musical! It was about donating blood. I still remember the songs! “Donate Blood. Blood’s Everywhere.”

KH: Don’t record this. I don’t want posterity to find out.

KH: “If I don’t use a number two, I’ll get a zero”

KH: (talks about stupid thing a frat is doing).
KW: “Are those the ones that roofie girls?”
CW: “No, those are Pikes.”

RM: Is Johnny Asian? Because I really want him to be.
TD: We are overdue for an Asian.

RM: Aryan isn’t a real Asian though, he’s from Texas. I’m talking a real Asian. Like… from Seattle.
KW: Or San Francisco?
RM: I’d take a San Francisco Asian.

KV: Did anyone see the young love in bloom? That was nice.
CLM: Really, because it kind of made the bile rise up in my mouth a little bit.

CLM:  I’m going to get a run in. I may smell, but all of the guys smell worse than I do. So, quite frankly, I don’t care.

Tulane baseball beats #2 LSU Edition
JP: That was great, I could really use two things right now. Dip, and an ice cold Coors Light

Matt Ryan: (makes heads up play letting a dribbler go by, hoping it rolls foul and it did)
Tulane Fan to LSU fan: See? Our kids are smarter than yours.

Umpire: (on pitch clearly outside to a Tulane batter) Strike.
Me: You’re just a dark purple, blue


MattForte25: His hands are huge. He’s got bananas for fingers.

TD: I didn’t want you to think I was mad at you just because I hate you.

KW: How’s the Splenda?
TD: Splendid. Oooh. Oooh. Ask me if I want some Certs!
KW: Do you want some Certs?
TD: Fuck Yeah!

DOB:  Farrah Faucet? I wonder if she had a lot of anal sex!

KV:  There’s two G’s in Snoop Dogg.

X: I’d nail Jesus. How could you not? I’d totally go gay for Jesus. How could you say no, He’s Jesus!

KW:  I need to skip this song before I get an erection.

KW: Is that blood or Gatorade on your shirt?
CLM: Neither, it’s old makeup. How do you bleed running? I’m not that uncoordinated.
KW: Well, you could wear that shirt for more than just running.
CLM: It is my cage-fighting shirt, so you’re right.

KV:  Sometimes I just need a good laugh to remind me that my life doesn’t suck.

KW:  Did you hear the Taco Bell dog died?
CLM: Aww, that’s so sad.
KW: Well, natural causes. It’s not like they turned him into a Chalupa or Mike Vick got to him.

JN: I have to poop. I’m sure you will have to soon. It’s like yawning.

RW: What’s Deadspin?
SK: It’s like the Gawker for sports.
RW: And Gawker is?
SK: You know, like TMZ.
RW: (stares blankly)
SK: You only use the internet for…
RW: Email, porn and

KW: Richie’s a carpenter.
TD: Yeah, you know. Like Jesus and shit.

GO: Me and Richie are on a race for stupidity. To see who’s going to be here the longest.

RD:  Put that on the blog, bitches!

DA:  I’m surprised I don’t have a kid yet, to be honest.

CLM: Is that the girl you were telling me about?
DA: Uh huh.
CLM: What’s she doing now.
DA: Getting railed by someone else around now, I guess.

KW: Don’t run with scissors!
DOB: No. I can. I’m not a kid. You’re not supposed to run with scissors when you’re a kid. I’m an adult.
KV: Yeah. You’re an adult. So you’re responsible. You can totally run with scissors.

DA: Madagascar… that’s not a place, it’s a movie!

KW: You look like Ray Stantz while the ghost is blowing him.

TN: Ta-MAR-a, TAM-a-RAH, Fuck it. Tammy.

JT: Oy, people have nothing better to do with their lives, no?

KW: Firefox is better than anything ever. Except Bacon. Better than Gold Bond, but it’s close.

SK: How sad is it that be both know his date night?

TN: She’s a Puerto Rican sasstress.

KW: Could you do me a favor?
TD: Are you going to ask me to do something to your testicles?
KW: I was saving that for after your response, actually.

TN: He’s having a good year, what do you think about that?
High School Coach on Speakerphone: Well, the thing is, he’s got a great body – no homo.

RW: There’s nothing worse than a dude smelling like melon.

TN: What happened to my pink icons?

YY: You’re like my drunk booty call. I’m just using you for your brownies.

DA: I can’t, I’m working — I’m sitting — over at the Wilson Center.


MM: “If I had millions and millions of dollars, I’d buy all the tickets to every Dane Cook show so no one went to see him.”

2 Responses to

  1. [colleen] says:

    phe-nom-men-al. absolutely freakin phenomenal.

  2. JD says:

    This should definitely be a real website.

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