A Long Flight To Hawai’i

Written Sept. 7. On a plane over the Pacific Ocean

My day started with a phone call from Julie at 5:30 am.  Julie’s awesome. Not only did we have a late night convo about things we really can’t talk about with other people (tamer topics included: “Am I gay if I think I should have gotten a pedicure before going to Hawai’i? I always wear socks and my feet… they need some work”) But the moral of the story is: I finally found a way to make time zones work for me: Have my east coast friends call me when I have to be awake three hours after bed time.

Once sleeping was not an option on the van trip to the Sacramento airport (hour drive), I surfed twitter on my phone for news. First item I see: the team plane for Lokomotiv Yaroslavl (a hockey team from the KHL, the top league in Russia. They steal NHL players all the time) crash this morning outside Moscow and killed at least 34 of 37 people on board.

That would be a horrible thing to read even if I wasn’t about to get on a plane with a team and fly 3200 miles over nothing but the Pacific Ocean. My sick brain immediately pictures a stewardess saying “Today’s inflight movie: Castaway!”)

I assure you, these next to statements are not related:

1. Anyone who complains about a free trip to Hawaii should be punched in the genitals.

2. Five hours and 24 minutes is a long time to be on an airplane

It amazes me how my shoulders can sag and be sore, along with my neck at 11 am after two hours on a plane. I sit at my desk looking at my computer from 9 am until about 7 pm six out of every seven days. Why should there be a difference between desk and airplane? I guess my office chair is 5 times more ergonomically correct than an airline seat.

 I’m pretty sure someone on this plane brought an entire block of the strongest smelling boldest sharp cheese that exists.

 I really miss the internet. Or things that transmit news but also require the internet, or phone access, such as twitter or facebook. Or texting people. I can’t even ask.

As many of you know, I have an abnormally large interest in the subject of college athletic conference realignment. And the night before my flight, the SEC held a secret vote on whether or not to admit Texas A&M from the Big 12 as their 13th team. The twitter rumors last night were they accepted A&M  and would announce it Wednesday. Which means, the SEC would need a 14th team (West Virginia of the Big East, or Missouri of the Big 12), the other Big 12 schools might scramble for better conferences, the Pac-12 might add four teams from the Big 12. The Big East might need to replace West Virginia, maybe take those left in the Big 12 and expand to an unprecedented 20 teams. Or the Big East might break along football lines (seven schools don’t have basketball) with the football group adding Big 12 leftovers or Conference USA schools (my former employer was in C-USA), the basketball side might add Xavier and Dayton (my other former employer) and my alma mater might lose status with Xavier and UD leaving.  In otherwords, it’s basically an Armageddon day on internet/twitter for one of my main random interests. While I’m internet-less on a plane. But again, it’s a small price to pay for a free trip to Hawaii. And I’m not complaining.

It’s amazing how quickly I can accomplish computer tasks that don’t require the internet when I don’t have internet access. For example, a work task, or writing a page and a half about nothing.

If this were the SATs: Internet is to KevFu trying to work as

  1. Productivity decreasing
  2. Tools are to cavemen
  3. Ooh! Shiny Things!
  4. All of the Above

If I meet the person who programmed the auto-format features on Word, I will punch them in the throat and say “Sorry, we have auto-punch to the throat enabled for your convenience. You needed to tell me to adjust my auto-punch to the throat settings BEFORE I automatically punched you in the throat.”

In a somewhat related story, I can’t text my friend from West Virginia about WVU possibly going to the SEC, because there’s no way to phrase it without my phone changing it to SECOND.

You’ve probably stopped reading because you’re bored or the shiny internet distracted you (I’m so jealous). But we haven’t reached the halfway point of the flight yet.

One of the things I discussed with Julie was how boring my life was. She disagreed with my assessment and probably won the argument with: “You’re getting a free trip to Hawai’i to hang out with barely dressed, spandex-clad college girls!” I scored minor points with “You hang out all day with first-class business jet setters enjoying cocktails!” It’s all in the presentation.

I rail on Macs for not being as good as PCs, but the Mac version of Freecell keeps your stats in a much better way. It lists every game you’ve played with the date. I’m at 51 games and counting on this flight.

This would have been an ideal time to do some things I’ve always meant to do but never had the time to dedicate. Like, had I looked them up on the internet and saved them/printed them before I left, I could have learned all the words to the German version of 99 Luft Balloons.

I did download an entire season of Dexter since I’m only through Season 4 and Season 7 starts soon. But I downloaded them to my Mac, and they only play on Windows. And I can’t transfer them from the Mac side of my computer to the Windows partition for some reason.

I briefly wondered: “Is it a bad thing that Michael Jackson’s death made it cool to listen to MJ again?” If you think “you know, that’s a valid point. You never want to see someone die – child molestation charges not withstanding – but…” you are TOTALLY WRONG on this issue. It was NEVER UNCOOL to listen to Michael! (Classic KevFu misdirection).

If it takes five and a half hours to get to Hawai’i, which is pretty much the most gorgeous place on earth. I have to believe that Asia, Europe, Africa and Australia are totally not worth going to see.

I always wished I was a gifted enough to be a professional athlete who made lots of money playing sports. However, I think a 6-2 baseball player would be ideal, because I couldn’t imagine being a 6-10 basketball player on a plane for this long. In related news, I can’t feel my right leg anymore.

Must conserve phone battery for landing news-seeking bonanza.

Just because it’s been a while since I’ve said it: “Who Dat? Who Dat? Who Dat say they gonna beat them Saints?”

I should write something worthwhile during this time, instead of a bunch of rambling crap.

Hey, if you look out the window, you can see the Pacific Ocean!

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