The Hole

If you thought I was bad at updating this site, there’s another thing I’ve been bad at… going to church.

Not because I don’t like going to church, or find it boring, or anything like that. I like church. It’s just that moving as often as I have, trying to find a church that I like, fit in, and can regularly attend usually takes me A LOT of time (especially because my mom wants me to be sure I’m not joining a cult).

Mainly because I work on Sundays, but also because I work late, and on Saturday’s, and I really love to sleep. I used to try and justify it that I could watch someone preach on TV, or on the internet, or something like that.

But those are just excuses. Earlier this year, I was excited that my friend Jess was a believer and church goer. Well, she’s moved. And it dawned on me that I still hadn’t been to a single church in California.

And I realized how much I missed a good church going experience. I missed it a lot. Then I realized what a horrible person I feel like. (I’m not a bad guy, just a screw up, but) while some people have come along in my life — like Dave, Tracey, Lynn, or Jess — who make me WANT to be a better person and want to focus more on my faith, I still have to do more than want. I actually have to BE a better person and actually focus on my faith.

So I went to a church on Sunday. They have a 6 p.m. service, which was good because I slept till noon accidentally (screw up). I enjoyed it immensely.

It made me really good, and absolutely awful. On one hand, I feel so much better that I realized there was a “God-Shaped Hole” in my life. On the other hand, I feel stupid, ashamed, embarrassed and guilty that it took this long for me to realize it, and the fact that I could be walking around with that thing gaping this whole time and not seen it makes me feel like a shell of a human being. And yeah, it’s always a little terrifying to think about what God decides to fill that hole with.

One of my excuses for sleeping in was “Well, God is everywhere, so I don’t need to go to church to experience His presence.” Yeah, but that only works if you ask for His presence at all times. Going to church reminds me of how everyone else feels with Jesus in their lives, and reminds me to invite Him into my life always.

If I don’t post again, it might be because my internet has a monthly bandwidth, and I’ve had the IHOPKC 24/7 Prayer Room stream on a lot this week.

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