Text Conversation Closure

If you and I were texting or chatting via technology and you can’t see me. And I don’t respond for a while, what do you think?

Obviously, it depends on the situation, but I am not the person who just lets conversations trail off. I close conversations.

During the work day, the phone rings or someone pops in. I’d say if I have a meeting. Fire alarm? No, once I went outside, I’d be standing around bored and reply.

Between 5 pm and midnight my time, odds are I’ve got a game going on. If I texted you first the day before, assume I was bored on a bus and texted you yesterday, now I’m at the game and can’t text back.

My mom would think there was an earthquake, but I wouldn’t miss the opportunity to text her with “We’re having an earth-“ like Al Michaels said during the 1989 World Series. So basically, game, work, or I’m driving (because texting and driving is unsafe and illegal).

I bring this up because I assume everyone is like me and when someone doesn’t reply to me, something bizarre must have happened (*Ok, that’s half the reason).  — In case of emergency, the expected protocol should be that you would text your emergency, I reply “call someone?” And you either call (it’s faster), or text No or N. Text me when you’re safe.

For each bizarre reason, I have pondered “is that a reason to abruptly stop texting?”  Here’s the answers:

Homicidal Maniac – No, expected protocol.

Terrorist Attack – Ditto.

Tornado – No. You text from the bathtub/shelter because what else are you doing in the tub/shelter but ask me to relay news?

Hurricane – No, because you’d have either evacuated in advance, or you’d be like “you’re a communications guy always near the internet. Tell everyone I’m alive.”

Car accident – you weren’t texting and driving in the first place, that’s dangerous.

Zombie apocalypse – No. You’d text “Zombies” so I knew to start my ZA plan. Or “zombies, help!” so I could come get you (hahahaha, that’s a death trap for both of us. You gotta take one for the team).

Tsunami – Yes, if you’re running to higher ground. No, once you’re on higher ground (cell towers are tall, climb one). Yes, if your phone gets wet.

Flood/Mudslide – Also either way. Yes, for the expected protocol reason (type N because I don’t have a boat or plane). No, if your phone gets wet, you can’t text back.

Godzilla Arrival– You’d think this could go either way because you’d be right to panic and flee. But that is WRONG. The answer is NO: Because you probably don’t know what to do in a Godzilla Arrival, and I do. You might be confusing Godzilla and Son of Godzilla or misreading the situation. Text me and I will guide you through a Godzilla Arrival. I will need to know: “Is it Godzilla or Son of Godzilla?” “Is he alone?” and “Who showed up first: Godzilla, Mothra, Sea Monster, Astro-Monster, Gigan, Megalon, Mechagodzilla, Biollante, King Ghidorah, SpaceGodzilla, Destroyah, Megaguirus, other?” You need me to guide you through a Godzilla Arrival, because Godzilla is sometimes out to destroy, but often he is there to defend from a more heinous creature like those mentioned. It would be stupid if you aborted our conversation because Godzilla arrived and you fled right into the path of King Ghidorah and were killed instantly when a simple text to me would have told you that Godzilla was there to protect you and run toward him and away from King Ghidorah. (Disclaimer: I cannot be held responsible if you provide misinformation of who arrived first; Especially if you see both Mothra and Godzilla. Mothra has defended from a Godzilla attack, and Godzilla has defended from a Mothra attack.).

*The “bizarre situations” part is totally true. The real reason I bring it up is because I was in mid-conversation with someone, and they stopped replying.

Now, I don’t think my friend is that rude, and she knows how badly I need conversation closure. So something must have come up. Considering she was drinking a glass of wine while texting, naturally I assumed she spilled the wine on herself, and is removing her clothing, and it turned into a scene from Billy Idol’s Rock The Cradle Of Love video.

In which case, the proper courtesy is for you (you know who you are) to explain upon your return, and offer visual documentation of the clothing removal to compensate me for my time wasted awaiting a reply. Same holds true with wardrobe malfunctions, instances where I wasn’t informed you were getting ready for bed, impromptu pillow fights which broke out, or “my friends invited me sunbathing.” This would also be true for all female non-relatives. Dudes may compensate me for my time via free beers.

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