The Definition of Insanity.

My lovely parents gave me NCAA Football 2011 for my PlayStation3 for Christmas. My new friends in California have the game, so we decided to play an online dynasty. Where we each pick a team, and play seasons. All the games, bowl games, we recruit players, and then do it again in the next season. We all have teams from the Pacific 10 Conference. As dorky as it sounds, now that online play means you can play from home and not coordinate getting five guys to play at the same time, it is actually extremely fun to do this.

But not this time. You see, the game is set at the hardest level. And it is so FREAKING FRUSTRATING because every single mother [fluffmypillows] week, my opponent is perfect.

You can’t stop their offense. They execute perfectly. No matter what you do.

Any bad decision when you’re passing is an interception.

I have never been filled with so much rage in my life. I was about to throw my control. I actually was in the act of throwing when I realized “I don’t have another controller” and stopped myself. I’m pretty sure my already messed up shoulder ripped muscles halting my throwing motion. I could not wash my hair the next day.

I tried to calm myself, but bullshit play after bullshit play, I could not control my wrath. I calmly picked up things (phone, cup, remotes) from my coffee table (and by “coffee table” I mean “upside down laundry basket”), checked the label to make sure it was Rubbermaid, and then on the next bullshit play, kicked the [fouler] across the room as hard as I could into the wall… and it broke. This game is so frustrating, I broke Rubbermaid.

I felt surprisingly better… for about 12 seconds until the NEXT bullshit play. I decided yelling was a healthier solution, until I noticed the filth emanating from my rage-hole was so vile it would make Larry Flynt blush.

I was so angry, that I went and re-named all my players, giving them obscene names to showcase how much they suck at this game.

There is no polite way to describe how absolutely hate-filled this game makes me. If I were to drive to the homes of the game’s programmers and force them to watch as I crush the skulls of their children and give their pets AIDS, it would not express how bitter and angry I am.

And the worst part of this is obviously, that I continue to play. I don’t know why I am continuing to play this game when it only makes me angry. I have the NHL game that I play online. It’s awesome. You make yourself and everyone across the world can play pick-up games as yourself. It’s incredibly fun, even if you lose. Plus you can start a fight if you’re angry about losing. But nothing in that game is anywhere near as frustrating.

This game is supposed to be fun. We talk about it all the time. “There is nothing remotely enjoyable about this game. Why are we doing this?”

There are literally billions of things I could do with my time that would make me feel any number of emotions that were more pleasurable than playing this game.

Like being raped by Satan.

I have yelled at my friends, and sent them text messages that say “[FOUL] this [FOUL]ING GAME.” Or “I am going to fill your office with live snakes if you do not change the settings.”

Why haven’t the settings been changed? I don’t know. I know they understand my rage — my friend has multiple holes in his wall from where he punched it,  after realizing punching was more cost-efficient than throwing/breaking his controllers — yet the settings remain unchanged. I don’t know know how much more clear I can be about my unwillingness to continue with these settings. Is “I would rather be raped by Satan” not clear enough?

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