No, Don’t Even Pretend It’s My Fault.

January 31, 2011

I just got caught looking at a woman’s breasts in the grocery store. Under normal circumstance, she’d be right to give me a dirty look and judge me.

But not this time.

This was entrapment. I wasn’t looking for the normal reasons, I was looking because I saw what was going on and thought “Holy crap, WHO wears that?” at the sight of a butch feminist in a white wife-beater, without a C-cup bra where it should be.

This women clearly wore the outfit just so she could catch people looking and then scowl at them for objectifying women.  I’m not objectifying anyone when I’m minding my own business and you throw those in front of all our faces. You knew damned well you’d be in the refrigerated section of the grocery store when you left the house in just that.


January 26, 2011

Why is it so hard to find Grape Gatorade? Everywhere you go, its lemon lime, fruit punch, orange, whatever the crap the blue one is flavored, and all the G2 gatorade flavored water crap that you can see through.

All I want is just grape. Not “X-Treme Mountain Blast” that looks like grape and is kinda grape, but isn’t grape.

I don’t want the cross-bred flavors where they force lemon lime to make sweet cooler love to a strawberry gatorade and bottle the offspring. Grape and Berry isn’t grape. It’s perverted grape.

Gimme my full-blown grape.

Blast You, Regis!

January 20, 2011

Regis is retiring. I’m disappointed by this news. Not because I’m a Regis fan or anything (he’s actually annoying in a way that only people who went to Notre Dame can be), but because the news makes me change one of my notes.

You see, I occasionally jot down notes from time to time of things to share with you. Yes, you. Things that don’t always warrant an entire long item of discussion. Things like:

“Living alone, I love the freedom of showering with the bathroom door open. Yet, I can’t bring myself to apply the same open-door policy while pooping.”

Or “The song that randomly popped into my head the other day was the one from An American Tale. Which made me wonder if somewhere out there, someone else had it pop into their head at the same time.”

And one of my notes was “I think Kristen Bell is an absolute delight. She’s adorable. I think she is probably the next Kelly Ripa. She and Craig Ferguson should replace Regis and Kelly when Regis dies.”

So now that Regis is retiring, that note either requires some heavy editing, or an entirely different entry all together. Because it would be mean to make the “when Regis dies” comment when he’s retiring – after having some health issues. And with Regis retiring before Kelly Ripa steps down/gets the axe, my note is no longer timely.

My only recourse is to completely re-write the note, or find a clever way of writing around it, while leaving it untouched.  (You see what I did there?)

The Definition of Insanity.

January 16, 2011

My lovely parents gave me NCAA Football 2011 for my PlayStation3 for Christmas. My new friends in California have the game, so we decided to play an online dynasty. Where we each pick a team, and play seasons. All the games, bowl games, we recruit players, and then do it again in the next season. We all have teams from the Pacific 10 Conference. As dorky as it sounds, now that online play means you can play from home and not coordinate getting five guys to play at the same time, it is actually extremely fun to do this.

But not this time. You see, the game is set at the hardest level. And it is so FREAKING FRUSTRATING because every single mother [fluffmypillows] week, my opponent is perfect.

You can’t stop their offense. They execute perfectly. No matter what you do.

Any bad decision when you’re passing is an interception.

I have never been filled with so much rage in my life. I was about to throw my control. I actually was in the act of throwing when I realized “I don’t have another controller” and stopped myself. I’m pretty sure my already messed up shoulder ripped muscles halting my throwing motion. I could not wash my hair the next day.

I tried to calm myself, but bullshit play after bullshit play, I could not control my wrath. I calmly picked up things (phone, cup, remotes) from my coffee table (and by “coffee table” I mean “upside down laundry basket”), checked the label to make sure it was Rubbermaid, and then on the next bullshit play, kicked the [fouler] across the room as hard as I could into the wall… and it broke. This game is so frustrating, I broke Rubbermaid.

I felt surprisingly better… for about 12 seconds until the NEXT bullshit play. I decided yelling was a healthier solution, until I noticed the filth emanating from my rage-hole was so vile it would make Larry Flynt blush.

I was so angry, that I went and re-named all my players, giving them obscene names to showcase how much they suck at this game.

There is no polite way to describe how absolutely hate-filled this game makes me. If I were to drive to the homes of the game’s programmers and force them to watch as I crush the skulls of their children and give their pets AIDS, it would not express how bitter and angry I am.

And the worst part of this is obviously, that I continue to play. I don’t know why I am continuing to play this game when it only makes me angry. I have the NHL game that I play online. It’s awesome. You make yourself and everyone across the world can play pick-up games as yourself. It’s incredibly fun, even if you lose. Plus you can start a fight if you’re angry about losing. But nothing in that game is anywhere near as frustrating.

This game is supposed to be fun. We talk about it all the time. “There is nothing remotely enjoyable about this game. Why are we doing this?”

There are literally billions of things I could do with my time that would make me feel any number of emotions that were more pleasurable than playing this game.

Like being raped by Satan.

I have yelled at my friends, and sent them text messages that say “[FOUL] this [FOUL]ING GAME.” Or “I am going to fill your office with live snakes if you do not change the settings.”

Why haven’t the settings been changed? I don’t know. I know they understand my rage — my friend has multiple holes in his wall from where he punched it,  after realizing punching was more cost-efficient than throwing/breaking his controllers — yet the settings remain unchanged. I don’t know know how much more clear I can be about my unwillingness to continue with these settings. Is “I would rather be raped by Satan” not clear enough?

Score Thus Far: KevFu 1, Dad 1.

January 13, 2011

My dad is a fan of the show Bones. I had only seen previews for each next episode because I watch Fringe every week (while my father never sticks around for). It sounded kind of boring: Anthropology can only be so exciting before you have your nerdy explorer do silly things like ride out a nuclear blast in a refrigerator.

Over the summer, I watched an episode of Bones with my dad. And it was good. Although, there was a moment when I realize Bones was played by “Zooey Deschanel’s older sister.” When I said that aloud, my dad gave me a look like I had said John Lennon was some guy in Ringo’s band.

So this fall, I [legally acquired] the first season of Bones, watched it and then [legally acquired] subsequent seasons. And it’s a very good show (although, they often completely ignore some basic tenets of the central plot, unless it suits them such as jurisdiction; or completely ignore methods to find answers that they previously used in other investigations/episodes, but you cut them some slack because, hey, Fringe has the same “we did this crazy thing to solve something one week, why wouldn’t they just do that again since it was effective?” problem, not to mention, Fringe has parallel dimensions and an alternate universe. It’s just a TV show. But a good one). So dad was right about that.

But that got me thinking: What possible work had Emily Deschanel given the craft of acting that would make my failure to recognize her work a faux pas? And especially when compared to the work of her sister?

After whittling out guest spots, voice work on cartoons, and pre-breakout roles in stuff I’d never heard of, I came to the conclusion that Emily became famous for: being on the hit TV show Bones, which debuted in 2002, and is easily her only real memorable role to date. While Zoey had only one memorable role in something that anyone actually saw: A film in 2000 called Almost Famous. While Emily is the lead on Bones and Zoey was a supporting role on Almost Famous… everyone has seen Almost Famous. Which means Zoey has by far the most prolific item on her resume.

So there was nothing wrong with my comment. Neither are Lennon or McCartney to the other’s Ringo. For now, they’re more like Tiffany and Debbie Gibson. I’ll let you argue which one is which.

It’s Hard to Stay Up…

January 4, 2011

I had a dream that I was working on a TV show. And one of my jobs was to coordinate something with a musical cue. But I kept screwing it up, and we had to keep redoing it. And it would take five minutes to do, so I was putting us well behind schedule.

Normally, with dreams, I find it interesting to check one of those dream analysis databases, which tell you what people think items in dreams represent.

But this one was fairly obvious: my laziness was making me fall behind in my work schedule. And I knew this because when I woke up, I saw that my alarm, which is the theme song of the TV show in my dream, was going off every five minutes and I was late for work.