This Should Be a Diversity Commercial

December 18, 2010

I’m in a cramped Toys R Us Express in a mall (I didn’t know a Toys R Us Express existed). And I have my target product displayed on my blackberry screen, wandering around trying to find it.

Two thug looking dudes are coming down the aisle, and one says to me “Hey man, you seen any Spiderman around?”
I said “No, but I haven’t been looking. You seen this?” And show them my screen.”
They say “Nah, sorry. But we ain’t been lookin, either.”
I replied “Well, Let’s shout ’em out if we see ’em.”
The response was one nod, and one “Word.”

So I go to another aisle, and there’s some Spiderman stuff. We didn’t exchange names, so I just say in the loud voice “Yo, Spiderman!”
They come over and say “Thanks, brotha. I think your Fisher Price shit’s up front by the window.”
An Asian woman says “Fisher Price? Like My First Whatever for really young kids? Yeah, that’s up here.” And starts walking me towards it.

A diverse group of people helping each other out on Christmas… it’s like a bad TV Christmas special. If only there was a Michael Jackson Experience video game set up and we all could have done “Black Or White” together.


Little Help, Please?

December 16, 2010

Wow, December has flown by. It’s been like two weeks since I posted something. I need to hire someone to remind me to post.

I would like a personal assistant. When I win the lottery or become rich and famous, I’m going to hire a young lady just to follow me around and remind me why I am in my current location in the first place.

So when I walk into a room and think/say “Wait, why did I come over here?”

She will be there to say “You needed to rinse out your coffee mug. But you didn’t bring the coffee mug.”

Then I’ll fire her and replace her with someone smart enough to say “remember your coffee mug” before I leave my office.

Of course, this would never really happen. Because she’d probably quit well before that because my laziness would lead to me abusing the personal assistant. And if not, I’d just send the personal assistant to rinse my coffee mug.

Come to think of it, it wouldn’t last until day three before my personal assistant was told “do my job for me, I’m going to sleep in.”

USA! USA! US– Wait, What?

December 5, 2010

I rarely plan anything in my life more than, say, three weeks ahead. One exception to my three-weeks out rule is the World Cup. You see, for the last three World Cups, my college buddies and I have gotten together in New York to watch some matches. It started in 2002 at Paul’s house and became “a thing” four years later at Nevada Smiths. For USA-England, I was at Jack Dempsey’s (the bar they showed on the ABC broadcast).

So, I was quite upset when my planning ahead for 2022 was thwarted this week by FIFA and Qatar.

USA had bid for the 2022 World Cup to be held in our country, and we were over-whelming favorites because we hadn’t hosted since 1994; we could guarantee a ton of money; and because the plan for the next few made complete sense: South America (Brazil) 2014, Europe (England) 2018, North America (USA) 2022, Asia (China) 2026.

But in a surprising 14-8 vote, FIFA gave the World Cup 2022 to Qatar (and England got screwed out of World Cup 2018 by Russia).

The question casual observers might be asking is “How can this happen? Is FIFA corrupt or something?” And people in the know would respond “Yes, FIFA is quite corrupt, but that’s kind of what makes this surprising.”

We all know FIFA acts in a manner that earns them the most profits. Which is why the USA had it in the bag:

When USA hosted in 1994, they set the record for total attendance for a tournament that STILL haven’t been broken. Which is amazing because the tournament was 54 games in 1994 and it’s 63 games now.

Back then, no one in the US cared about soccer. We were too busy watching the OJ chase.
In 1994, we had no pro league. In 2010, 4 million people went to MLS games last year;
In 1994, not even all of the World Cup games were on TV; In 2010, all 63 WC games were on ABC/ESPN/ESPN; which paid a FIFA record rights fee for the World Cup. And the US record for “highest TV rating for a soccer game” was set THREE DIFFERENT TIMES during the 2010 World Cup.

In 1994, the US bid had to BEG stadiums to host the World Cup. Now? Cities were lobbying to be hosts for the 2022 US Bid.

More Americans bought World Cup tickets 2010 than any other country besides host South Africa.

It was a slam dunk: Give the 2022 World Cup to the US and they will make FIFA the most money of any World Cup ever.

So how did Qatar (population the same size as Dayton, Ohio) win the bid?

It’s all back-room politics. The 22-member committee (which should be 24 members, but two got kicked out for getting caught being corrupt; and this committee is comprised of the very people who chair bids for their country, by the way). Basically, Qatar — who have so much oil money that Qatar is actually fourth in the world in GDP per capita —  promised all kinds of handouts and lucrative windfalls to members of the committee to get the votes, and we did not. There were allegations before the vote of a Qatar/Spain-Portugal vote-swapping deal.

I guess “vote for us and we’ll build eight new stadiums, using supplies and labor from YOUR countries; and then we’ll dismantle these modular stadiums and give them to third-world countries who can’t afford to build their own… like YOURS” will land you some votes.

Add in the desire of FIFA president Sepp Blatter to make a name for himself by granting World Cups to places (Africa; Middle East) for the first time, and you’ve got a block of people following him to curry favor down the road.

How corrupt can you be when the most lucrative World Cup ever still can’t satisfy your greed?  We should put the college athletic directors from the BCS conferences in charge of our 2026 bid.

Well, This is Fair.

December 4, 2010

So to recap:

Boise State is 11-1 but not going to a BCS bowl because their opposition is too weak for them to qualify for an Auto BCS bid.
Va Tech is 10-2 and going to a BCS bowl, because their opposition is strong enough they deserve an Auto BCS bid.
Boise State beat Va Tech.
Va Tech lost to an FCS team.

11-1 Wisconsin is going to a BCS bowl.
11-1 Ohio State is going to a BCS bowl.
11-1 Michigan State is not going to a BCS bowl.
Michigan State beat Wisconsin, who is the only team to beat Ohio State because Michigan State and Ohio State didn’t play.

Unranked UConn is going to a BCS bowl despite four losses and zero wins over ranked teams, because the Big East is strong enough to qualify for an Auto BCS bid despite not having any top 20 teams
The WAC co-champions, both ranked in the top 20, aren’t going to a BCS because their conference isn’t strong enough for an Auto Bid, despite having THREE teams in this week’s AP Top 25.
#11 Boise St isn’t going to a BCS bowl despite beating two ranked teams, another who’s ranked now, and losing to another in OT.
#17 Nevada isn’t going to a BCS bowl despite beating the #3 team in the country, and losing to a team now ranked.

I love college football.

Why couldn’t college football be as fair as say, FIFA?