Since it’s late May and the auditions are closed, no one from Big Brother has called me, and considering my audition wasn’t very good. I figured I’d make one last attempt to get noticed by their casting department. After all, I know they have this site address, since I included it on my application, and I’m the #1 result if you search “Big Brother Auditions Call Back” on Google).
So here it is, Why I’d Be an Entertaining Contestant for Big Brother.
1. I can fill time.
Anyone who knows me knows that I can talk for hours, seemingly about nothing, or anything. Not only that, but I have the ability to make the boring seem somewhat amusing. Like, studying for an astronomy test, or sitting in the traffic, or the dark, or just absolutely nothing.
2. The Bleep Factor.
Despite what I want my mom to see, odds are by week three, I’ll be providing all kinds of After Dark censored entertainment.
3. I have meaningful interpersonal relationships
I look for opportunities to have deep meaningful discussions, and embrace them. To me, it’s not just making coffee, it’s about getting to know someone so well, you can see what coffee represents in their life.
4. I can over-analyze and be overly intellectual about things.
The vast majority of the posts on this site is putting way too much thought into every day things (see also dream analysis.) I have the same ability with conversations/relationships (she said this, but does that mean she wants…). You get the idea. That is perfect for all the openings of the shows, where there’s highlights of a conversation of people discussing what they feel the other player’s intentions are.
5. I can lie.
I have no problem lying for my own entertainment. So when my own personal gain is on the line, forget about it. Like, when I told the state of Texas I don’t own a vehicle to save myself $200 in registration. Imagine what I’d make up with $500,000 or a million on the line. (Ok, so I don’t know the Big Brother prize money, doesn’t that show I’m more about the experience than just trying to get rich?).
6. I can be a jerk.
Jerks get ratings. People who say mean/evil things get ratings. I’m the guy who said “I hope an AIDS blimp crashes on Citizens Bank Park” while the Yankees were playing the Phillies during the World Series. I’ve been known to gamble on children’s failure (and hold grudges when they fail me) all while insulting anyone who’s home schooled. And I sold out friends for a free whopper. And I’ve openly rooted for streetcars to hit people in their vehicles.
7. But then again, sometimes I’m sweet.
8. I can get people to open up to me.
In the course of my life, I have learned way too many intimate details about people. And not girlfriends. Just people I know or don’t really know at all. People tell me things. Some I things I didn’t even want to know. Like the person who shared with me the medical reason she owns a sex toy. Or the person who told me how often she shaves various parts of her body (arms? Really?). Or people who’ve told me they are afraid of things like animals that stand on their hind legs like people, the man on the Quaker Oats box.
9. My life is an open book.
Hello. This site.
10. I can keep a secret. Like this one I’m taking to my grave.
11. I’m not interested in turning this into a celebrity thing.
I would use my notoriety from winning Big Brother for nothing except dating hotter women, and having a cool story to tell at a bar. The people who win and then turn up at the Super Bowl as correspondents for the Rosie O’Donnell show made me sick (and I knew one of those guys). The douche bags who go on the incestuous MTV Road Rules Shows that I never watch, or the people from other reality TV shows like the Hiltons/Kardashians of the world make me want to vomit. The last thing I want to be is “that guy” who is hanging around Hollywood trying to cling to 15 minutes of fame.
12. I’m original
Well, except for the fact that I just made the blog equivalent of a TV clips show.