Big Brother Call-Back

May 28, 2010

Since it’s late May and the auditions are closed, no one from Big Brother has called me, and considering my audition wasn’t very good. I figured I’d make one last attempt to get noticed by their casting department. After all, I know they have this site address, since I included it on my application, and I’m the #1 result if you search “Big Brother Auditions Call Back” on Google).

So here it is, Why I’d Be an Entertaining Contestant for Big Brother.

1. I can fill time.

Anyone who knows me knows that I can talk for hours, seemingly about nothing, or anything. Not only that, but I have the ability to make the boring seem somewhat amusing. Like, studying for an astronomy test, or sitting in the traffic, or the dark, or just absolutely nothing.

2. The Bleep Factor.

Despite what I want my mom to see, odds are by week three, I’ll be providing all kinds of After Dark censored entertainment.

3. I have meaningful interpersonal relationships

I look for opportunities to have deep meaningful discussions, and embrace them. To me, it’s not just making coffee, it’s about getting to know someone so well, you can see what coffee represents in their life.

4. I can over-analyze and be overly intellectual about things.

The vast majority of the posts on this site is putting way too much thought into every day things (see also dream analysis.) I have the same ability with conversations/relationships (she said this, but does that mean she wants…). You get the idea. That is perfect for all the openings of the shows, where there’s highlights of a conversation of people discussing what they feel the other player’s intentions are.

5. I can lie.

I have no problem lying for my own entertainment. So when my own personal gain is on the line, forget about it. Like, when I told the state of Texas I don’t own a vehicle to save myself $200 in registration. Imagine what I’d make up with $500,000 or a million on the line. (Ok, so I don’t know the Big Brother prize money, doesn’t that show I’m more about the experience than just trying to get rich?).

6. I can be a jerk.

Jerks get ratings. People who say mean/evil things get ratings. I’m the guy who said “I hope an AIDS blimp crashes on Citizens Bank Park” while the Yankees were playing the Phillies during the World Series. I’ve been known to gamble on children’s failure (and hold grudges when they fail me) all while insulting anyone who’s home schooled. And I sold out friends for a free whopper. And I’ve openly rooted for streetcars to hit people in their vehicles.

7. But then again, sometimes I’m sweet.

8.  I can get people to open up to me.

In the course of my life, I have learned way too many intimate details about people. And not girlfriends. Just people I know or don’t really know at all. People tell me things. Some I things I didn’t even want to know. Like the person who shared with me the medical reason she owns a sex toy. Or the person who told me how often she shaves various parts of her body (arms? Really?). Or people who’ve told me they are afraid of things like animals that stand on their hind legs like people, the man on the Quaker Oats box.

9. My life is an open book.

Hello. This site.

10. I can keep a secret. Like this one I’m taking to my grave.

11. I’m not interested in turning this into a celebrity thing.

I would use my notoriety from winning Big Brother for nothing except dating hotter women, and having a cool story to tell at a bar. The people who win and then turn up at the Super Bowl as correspondents for the Rosie O’Donnell show made me sick (and I knew one of those guys). The douche bags who go on the incestuous MTV Road Rules Shows that I never watch, or the people from other reality TV shows like the Hiltons/Kardashians of the world make me want to vomit. The last thing I want to be is “that guy” who is hanging around Hollywood trying to cling to 15 minutes of fame.

12. I’m original

Well, except for the fact that I just made the blog equivalent of a TV clips show.

Stream of Consciousness XV

May 25, 2010

For a while I thought about moving to Vegas to become a full-time sports gambler. Then I realized, that’s stupid. I probably couldn’t win enough to afford a decent lifestyle in Las Vegas. Reno on the other hand….

Glad to see 24 is finally taking my suggestion of “Jack goes on revenge-induced kill spree.” Only took five years.

If you were an astronaut, and there was an astronaut of the opposite sex with you on your mission to space, you’d kind of have to try sex in space, wouldn’t you? I mean, forget the relative attractiveness of the other person, it’s really a matter of “I’m intrigued. This must be done.”

Every time I see Flo from the Progressive commercials, I can’t help but notice that all of the items on her face (eyes, nose, mouth) are too big for the size of her skull. I don’t find her attractive at all. But if we were astronauts…

What is the big deal about the KFC Double Down? People are acting like this is ridiculously unhealthy and hearts will explode if they eat it. It’s a chicken club sandwich… like Wendy’s and McDonalds serves like nine varieties of. Only with an extra fillet and no bun. “But eating two pieces of chicken will kill you!” Right. Because people get halfway through a two-piece meal, and say “Wow, that’s enough fried chicken.”  It’s basically a two-piece meal with cheese, tangy sauce and bacon as your (delicious sides), only you eat it all at once. It’s fantastic and beautiful in its simplicity.

I’m pretty sure ‘Sodoku’ is a Japanese word for: puzzle you only do to kill time on an airplane or the toilet.

Reasons why I dislike Texas #12249: I heard a person referencing being at a hog convention. And the details made me realize they were not talking about Harley-Davidson motorcycles, but actual pigs.

KevFu Meets Rojo Johnson (aka Will Ferrell)

May 21, 2010

A couple weeks ago, I met Will Ferrell.  He came out to the ballpark and did a promotional stunt for us:  YouTube

Then he was going to sing during the seventh inning stretch, and I was sent to coordinating between his booth upstairs, and the PA/music guy down downstairs.

I tested the microphone and told him: “The PA announcer will introduce you, then your can just hop on the mic and lead Take Me out the Ball Game.”

He said: “Ok, great. Do we have the words?”

Someone said “do you need the words?”

He said he’d like them. Someone said they could print them off.

I said: “There’s two outs already. I can have them scroll on the video board for you.” (and after talking into the walkie-talkie made it happen).

He replied: “Ok great. Will there be music”

I said: “Do you want it? We can do it with or without.”

He said: “Whatever you normally do.”

Then I said: “How can you not know the words? You’ve done Wrigley, right?” (knowing he did).

He said: “I practiced for that! Those guys are tough man. I didn’t want to be like, who was that who got booed really bad? Belushi? I think it was Belushi.”

I said: “Hey, as long as you’re better than Ozzy Osborne.”

And then the final out was made. That was pretty much it. Everyone had their camera phones rolling video, but me. I left mine downstairs, but that really didn’t bother me. I was the only other guy in the booth besides Will Ferrell not looking like some douche with a camera. Which made me feel cooler than if I had some fanboy photos of Will Ferrell.

It wasn’t all that exciting to meet Will Ferrell (which is why I took so long to bring it up here). I don’t get massively excited to meet a celebrity like that, because it’s not like the experience is going to enrich my life. I mean, it’s not like touching him is going to cure my horrible eyesight and I won’t need glasses, or solve all my financial problems.

Sure, he’s loaded, but why would he give me money?  Well, unless we became friends and he had me write for him or something. But that’s only going to happen if I’m cool and have a conversation with him, and not if I run up to him and say “OH MY GOD, YOUR WILL FERRELL!! CAN I TOUCH YOU? I LOVED YOU IN ANCHORMAN! LET ME REPEAT ALL THE DIALOGUE FROM THAT MOVIE TO YOU!”

I Need To Wake Up Earlier

May 19, 2010

My sleep pattern is all whack. I’m up til like 4 am and sleep til 1 pm or later.

And every day I wake up and I say “I gotta stop sleeping in so late. I need to get up early, be tired earlier, go to bed earlier and get up at a normal time.”

Because I think that I’m being abnormal and just wasting my days in bed.

Then something happens like Tuesday. I was woken up by a potential employer calling about my resume. And after we talked for a little while, I did my usual wake up routine.

And then after a few hours, it was 1 p.m.  And I was freaking BORED.

There’s nothing on TV. I’d done my usual tour of my internet bookmarks. And the Mets game was still five hours away.

If I sleep in later, then there’s about two hours to kill before the Mets game starts, and I can spend most of that reading Mets fans online complain about the lineup that was just posted for tonight’s game.

Normal sleep cycles are overrated.

Rapping to Grades

May 10, 2010

So while I was walking towards an Irish pub Wednesday to watch Manchester City play Spurs for a spot in Champions League (Result: Sad Face), I overheard two girls talking about their study methods for finals (since I guess that’s coming up soon?).

One girl wanted a complete cone of silence when she studied. The other said “you’re supposed to study to classical music.” And they were arguing over it during the 12 seconds between the time I decided they were unattractive and the time I got to the bar.

But I have to call shenanigans on both of them. You know how I studied in college? I would listen to instrumental rap songs.

This was perfect, because as you read the material, you’d put it into the flow of the song. Then you’d remember these “new words” when you sat down for the test.

This method works so well, that I can turn on Busta Rhymes “Woo-Ha! (I Got You All in Check)” right now, and pass my Astronomy 101 class:

Music:  (Instrumental) or (With NSFW Words)

Yo which mother****a stole my flow?
Eenie….meenie miney mo—
Aging star collapses: Supernova
gravitational collapse: neutron star or black hole
White dwarf, lack mass, not very big glow
Cooled off it’s a black dwarf, shiney no mo’
Bright Giants come in five colo’s
Our sun is bright, classified yellow
Blue-White BG, that **** is Epsilon Canis Majo’
Super Giants 10-70 times mass solar
Hyper Giants 100–150, **** is psycho
Largest Super is VY Canis Majo’
There’s 10 more Qs I should have studied mo’
Yo!  The chick front of me is hot like whoa!
Sorry this is it but homeboy I got to go

When I turn this thing in, you know it’s all correct.
Woo-Ha! I just aced that test.

Sorry this is it but homeboy I got to go

Chuck vs 24

May 5, 2010

I’m a big fan of Monday night spy shows: Chuck and 24.

I was discussing the repetitive nature of 24 the other day with a friend of mine, and then later revealing to my parents (Chuck fans) how Chuck will probably get canceled after this season. And then I had an epiphany for how to save both shows.

First off, we have Chuck. Everyone loves the characters, but rapid change has had to happen to Chuck because they are on borrowed time. We loved him, Casey, Sarah and the relationship with his real-life friends/family. But because the show is on such a short run, they’ve had to change the Chuck character over three seasons. He goes from “why is this happened to me?” to “Ok, I’m starting to get this” to “Now I’m going to a whole other level” and a lot of the audience can be uncomfortable with the Season Three Chuck character.

Then we have 24. Jack Bauer is like Jason Vorhees at this point: He’s awesome. We want to see him be awesome. But it’s really difficult to do eight times over without becoming a mockery because there’s no way to do eight seasons without repeating the same old tired plots (informant gets killed before he divulge information! Mole is tipping off the terrorists! The mastermind is really someone much more evil/powerful!)

If I was in charge of a TV network, I would buy both properties and do a season of 24 featuring Casey, Sarah and (the season 2) Chuck.

Casey is the Bauer character. Bad ass spy who’s a noble patriot and ruthlessly efficient.

Sarah is the Renee character on this season of 24: substitute “love” for “emotional basketcase” and you’ve got a hero who’s good at her job, but not the complete pure awesome spy that Bauer/Casey is.

Chuck (season two) is like Chloe when she’s running point on a tactical mission: Provide intel, but not really a bad ass. She moves all the plots along, and is uniquely qualified to help the pure spy.

In Chuck, we never see the analysts work, it’s all provided by Beckman.

In 24, we never see any kind of real-world items. It’s all ignored for 24 straight hours of action.

Chuck, in season 1 & 2, gave equal concern/attention to the missions of his personal life (relationship with sister, job at the Buy More) something they’ve completely abandoned in season three. Which is something 24 sorely lacks.

And the mission aspect of 24 is something Chuck has kind of glossed over as they focus on the relationships/changes of the main characters in season three.

Combining the two shows, you’d get the benefit of letting Chuck be Chuck (likewise Walker and Casey) without constant changes to the essence of the character, and so fans could just enjoy the character. And you’d also get the ability of filling 24 hours without resorting to the same old mole/lead chase/escalating villains formula 24 uses, because you’d have Buy More/Sister missions in between the action.

The secret/hard part would be to find the balance between the light Chuck tone, and the serious drama of 24. Which I think could be done. The idea is to use the lightness to poke fun at some of the things we see in 24 that could be comedic fodder, but leave it to the audience to find the humor. Enter Morgan.

Have Morgan be on a mission to pick up a package and deliver it to CTU. Only have the package be food, so they can actually eat something.

Have someone escorted out of the building in the first episode because they had ties to a terrorist organization, before they can be a mole, and then have a mole-free season.

Have someone enter the restroom before a commercial break, and exit upon return from break.

But treat the missions as ridiculously serious, well choreographed, dramatic events.

That could totally work.