Welcome to Elgin, Texas. (Where?) Exactly.

My parents moved to Elgin, Texas, four years ago. Why? Well, they are boring people. So with a job opportunity and ridiculous property taxes in Austin, they had no problem paying 1/6th the property taxes (which are immense, no sales tax in Texas) in a boring town with six stoplights. Why so many stoplights? Because if they weren’t there, you’d never be able to leave. All the people flying past at 70 miles an hour would prevent you from turning left.

Anyhow, since I’m spending time at the ‘rents house, I am obviously bored out of my freaking mind. Here’s what I’ve come up with to entertain myself.

  1. Listen to the coyotes howling at night.
  2. Ask myself “Where am I?” after hearing locals reference things like “well, at the hog convention” and realize they aren’t talking about motorcycles.
  3. Download apps for my Blackberry.
  4. Use one app to search Twitter for “Everyone Near You.” Count four users. And sigh.
  5. Realize I have nothing in common with three of four twitter users near me.
  6. Translate one of the four tweets from Spanish to English, and realize I have nothing in common with the fourth, either.
  7. Listen for banjo music off in the distance.
  8. Google Maps my old apartment complex/Elmwood Plaza and realize that at the same scale both are about the same size… only my old place had seven times as many bars.
  9. Scan the horizon for lights.
  10. Realize that all the UFO shows I’ve ever seen feature at least one sighting from a town like this.
  11. Gaze into the sky longing for a UFO to abduct me.
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