Late Night with KevFu

March 31, 2010

Who the hell actually purchases stupid crap via text in the ads that run late at night?

Ringtones? You can get any song you want as a ring tone on most phones, and for free if you’re not a complete moron. But at least that’s just stupid people ordering something lots of people want: songs.

Jokes? Really. People are going to PAY for bad jokes sent to their phones every day?

“Text BABES to XXXXX and get pictures of sexy babes sent to your cell phone!” for just 6.95.

This is ridiculous for several reasons.

Like any moron couldn’t put any of the zillions of free porn images on the phone if they were so inclined?

And who needs porn on their phone? “I’m bored on the subway, I KNOW, I’ll just pull up my phone porn and stroke it right here!”

If you’re ordering a pizza eating a cheeseburger off an ad at 2 am on Comedy Central or MTV… you should probably just kill yourself.


Census 2010

March 28, 2010

First off, the US Census did an outstanding copy writing job for their promos in the NCAA Tournament. Instead of some useless drivel like “Stop in to your local Subway for any 12 inch sub, which is now a five-dollar footlong. For a limited time only. Subway. Eat Fresh.”  which sounds all fake and stupid, the US Census drop in was simply:  “Please fill out your US Census card and mail it back.”  It was so brief and brilliant, that the announcers were talking about it and making jokes about it.

I just saw a full commercial for the US Census, reminding us how the data compiled will decide such meaningful things like where roads, hospitals and schools are built, and how many Congress Representatives our state has.

That’s when it hit me: Why don’t we all, as a society, put a big fat ZERO on our cards and reduce our Congressional Reps to ZERO?

By declaring the population zero, we wouldn’t get any federal funding… but we wouldn’t have any congressmen raising taxes, and we wouldn’t be paying their salaries. Then we’d just have to convince the Senate to cut out all kinds of stupid programs we no longer need (because there’s no people to “benefit”) and we’d be taking the necessary steps to shrink our bloated government.

I also heard a news report that making an incorrect estimate on the number of homeless could have a drastic effect on funding. Like, that missing by 1,000 could mean losing $15,000,000 in funding. FIFTEEN MILLION. Per Thousand? That’s $15,000 per homeless person. A Year. I lived on $12,000 a year one year. And still afforded MLB Extra Innings and large bar tabs.

If you handed me a project of “Get 1,000 homeless off the street” and you gave me a budget of $15 million, I’m not only sure I could do it, I’m sure I could turn at least half into millionaires. I’d make the 1,001 of us 50-50 partners with an Indian tribe, open a $10 million casino & hotel (with 1000 rooms). My hobo army would be employees, live in the hotel (two a room). Within five years, we’d all be millionaires.


Bracket Busting

March 16, 2010

Sorry I was gone for a week. It was championship week, so I was in the mancave watching the 800 hours of college hoops that precedes the NCAA Tournament.

It’s funny how within a day of the NCAA Tournament bracket coming out, people ask me about brackets because college basketball “is my thing.” And they seemed surprised when I either don’t have answers for them, or they discover I don’t win a pool every single year.

I do know college basketball. Who’s good, who’s not good, etc. But the NCAA Tournament isn’t like, say, baseball.

Someone asked me how if I knew so much about basketball, why I didn’t do better with my picks, and they asked during a baseball game. That guy was a baseball expert. I told him “You know baseball, you know everything about this team and a lot about the other team. What’s going to happen on each of the next 63 pitches?”

He got the point right away: I know basketball, but if I could predict the future, I’d be a full-time gambler and live like Biff Tannen in 2025 from Back to the Future II.

So if you’re looking for advice, there’s some principles I always use…

  1. The top four seeds are winning their first game.
  2. Upsets are for show, your final four wins you dough. Pick the teams you think are the best and will go far. Teams you don’t think will go far, feel free to pick an upset, relying on your favorite to “clean up the mess” if your upset pick is wrong.

For example, last year, UNC was a powerhouse, so I picked Western Kentucky to upset Illinois and Gonzaga… because I knew that if I was wrong, UNC was going to beat Illinois or Gonzaga. I got the first game right, then Gonzaga beat WKU and UNC beat Gonzaga. If you lose the upset pick, people think you’ve got guts to pick an upset. If you win, you look like a genius. And all you’re really doing is making the obvious pick: UNC to come out of that part of the bracket.

  1. There’s almost always a 5-12 upset, the key is to pick the right one. Usually, the 12-5 that everyone has… is the wrong one. The popular one now is Cornell over Temple. I’d go with UTEP or Utah State.
  2. In a 7-10 game, the “mid-major” usually wins, unless they are BYU. This won’t help you this year, because two 7-10 games have no mid-majors, one is TWO mid-majors, and the only game pitting a mid-major vs major is BYU vs Florida. (I’m taking Florida)
  3. Teams which don’t deserve to be in the tournament usually win a game. This is “the house money principle.” Washington, Cal, Florida, Minnesota meet this description
  4. Another part of the house money principle is that teams who were supposed to be really good, but struggled with high expectations are good bets. Because they were dealing with the pressure of high expectations, and were panicking about missing the tournament. But now they are in. And have nothing to lose. And the reason they had high expectations, is because they were talented to begin with. Teams like Texas, Georgia Tech fit that bill
  5. Teams that were supposed to win their conference tournaments because they won their conference, but didn’t, usually play well in the NCAA Tournament. It’s like a wake-up call. They’d gone a long time without losing, and now they remember how much is sucks and come out hell bent on not losing. That’d be Syracuse, New Mexico, Villanova, UTEP and Gonzaga (although, this isn’t the usual Gonzaga team, they’re not as good as years past).
  6. Teams I hate always seem to win. Maybe this is because I hate a lot of teams, just to different degrees. For the record, the team I hate more than anyone, is Syracuse.

Welcome to Elgin, Texas. (Where?) Exactly.

March 9, 2010

My parents moved to Elgin, Texas, four years ago. Why? Well, they are boring people. So with a job opportunity and ridiculous property taxes in Austin, they had no problem paying 1/6th the property taxes (which are immense, no sales tax in Texas) in a boring town with six stoplights. Why so many stoplights? Because if they weren’t there, you’d never be able to leave. All the people flying past at 70 miles an hour would prevent you from turning left.

Anyhow, since I’m spending time at the ‘rents house, I am obviously bored out of my freaking mind. Here’s what I’ve come up with to entertain myself.

  1. Listen to the coyotes howling at night.
  2. Ask myself “Where am I?” after hearing locals reference things like “well, at the hog convention” and realize they aren’t talking about motorcycles.
  3. Download apps for my Blackberry.
  4. Use one app to search Twitter for “Everyone Near You.” Count four users. And sigh.
  5. Realize I have nothing in common with three of four twitter users near me.
  6. Translate one of the four tweets from Spanish to English, and realize I have nothing in common with the fourth, either.
  7. Listen for banjo music off in the distance.
  8. Google Maps my old apartment complex/Elmwood Plaza and realize that at the same scale both are about the same size… only my old place had seven times as many bars.
  9. Scan the horizon for lights.
  10. Realize that all the UFO shows I’ve ever seen feature at least one sighting from a town like this.
  11. Gaze into the sky longing for a UFO to abduct me.

Seaching/Stalking

March 5, 2010

My favorite search terms leading to this site. These are actual searches by people who clicked on the results and found my site:

palm trees in snow

palm trees in tulsa

hooter captain eo

funny wrecks

why are there only 25,000 nielsen families?

is kamistan a real country

(name of my friend, who’s never been mentioned on the site with her full name).

bloods and crips

trojan condom wrapper

michael jackson when he was black

and my favorite:

maicol jakson

Now, the best part is that (aside from my friend’s name never mentioned, which I just noticed the other day) the stats for this site, only shows search terms with FIVE clicks. So that means FIVE PEOPLE typed in each of those terms. (maicol jakson? Really? How can there be five people retarded enough to spell the king of pop’s name that way, yet still operate a computer?)

I told my friend that someone googled her full name and found my site (and then explained that I’ve never used her full name; I’ve never used ANYONE’S full name aside from celebs. Not even CLM, even though her website is branded with her name, who only appears in link form and not in posts).

My friend rationalized that it must be one of my twitter followers who saw a reply to her on my twitter, since they googled her name with no space (and her twitter name is her name with no space). I find that hard to believe, since I have 24 followers and eight are random companies/publications hoping by following me, I’d follow them back.

So, she’s in total denial she has a stalker. Unfortunately for her, the stalker spelled her name right, too.


Amish and English

March 2, 2010

I was watching The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson last week, and he said you can make fun of Amish people on TV.

I don’t know if that’s true.

My only experience with Amish people was when I worked in Ohio about 10 years ago. My company contracted a group of Amish guys when we had to move big items of furniture. So, these guys show up to move our big heavy lateral file cabinets. But we had a complex arrangement of where they needed to be moved to, and I had it, and I wasn’t in yet because no one told me they were coming first thing in the morning. (Yes, I was the guy who re-arranged our office layout multiple times to maximize the space. I have a knack for special efficiency).

So I come in, and there’s four Amish guys. Drinking coffee out of Styrofoam cups, leaning up against the lateral file that has the TV on top. They are watching SportsCenter. And one guy says to another “Did you see that dunk by Jordan last night? That was incredible.”

The Amish don’t watch TV? I have to call shenanigans on that.

Ferguson actually has some astute commentary on stereotypes. He and a guest, Steven Fry, made an excellent observation that the stereotype for an American is a driven, optimistic go-getter, while a stereotypical Englishmen (or most Europeans) is a more laid back, slightly depressed, gloomy and miserable person.

And the observation was that it’s based on gene pool. Because all the optimistic go-getters in England said “Hey, let’s go to America! We can create new opportunities and build a better life!” And England is full of all the people who said… “eh, we’re going stick with this Europe thing.” And is now full of all the people who feared change, and we’re just doubters and apprehensive people.  People like Dante from Clerks.