The Rules for Being Unemployed.

I’m a full-time job seeker right now. And so, I have come up with some rules to keep myself from becoming a homeless degenerate. We’ll go chronologically though the day.

  1. Set an alarm. Don’t just sleep until you wake up. Because you will sleep til about 2 p.m.
  2. No more than two hits of the snooze alarm.
  3. Don’t screw it. You DO need to shower.
  4. Razor blades are expensive, but trim that into a well-groomed goatee/mustache/facial hair style.
  5. Make coffee. It will keep you from napping three hours after you wake up. Don’t put booze in it.
  6. No drinking when the sun is out.
  7. Do not turn on the TV until the first live sporting event, or 5 p.m. Tennis and golf don’t count (Unless it’s the Masters)
  8. No video games before 5 p.m.
  9. Obviously fill that time between 10:50 and 5 p.m. surfing for jobs online.
  10. Change it up occasionally. One day a week, instead of your “home office/couch,” move your base of operations to a coffee place (pay with your change).
  11. If there’s no jobs to apply for, after you’ve thoroughly searched, pick a room of your house and clean it up a little bit. Or do some laundry. Or the dishes. Something that helps you.
  12. Working on that novel or screen play, that doesn’t help you. Save that four the 4 to 6 p.m. timeslot.
  13. Once it hits 5 p.m., go ahead and turn on the TV. If you have a DVR, look ahead to midnight to 5 p.m. tomorrow. Record liberally.
  14. Go ahead and watch yesterday’s DVR list. Or hit up the video games.
  15. Crack open a beer. Don’t get drunk, but the beer gives you a reason to answer texts/calls with “No, I can’t go out, I’ve already started drinking.” Because let’s be honest, you can’t afford to go out.
  16. If you hear a test of the Emergency Broadcast System, immediately go to bed. It’s only a test. But it’s a sign you’re up way too late.
  17. Remember to set that alarm

One Response to The Rules for Being Unemployed.

  1. Justin says:

    Even funnier when you were telling these to me at a bar while drinking when the sun was up…granted it was a weekend, but you broke like half of them!

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