Pens Are So 90s.

January 30, 2010

My handwriting has regressed drastically since joining the professional work force. With the daily usage of computers, I have to actually write things down like, once a week? Maybe?

We’re talking beyond Charley in Flowers for Algernon levels here. In that book, a janitor has some medical treatment to make him smarter, and his handwriting and writing improve radically. But the results are only temporary and he watches his writing deteriorate rapidly. Maybe that book had nothing to do with handwriting, I read it in like seventh grade or something.

Anyhow, I keep a notepad by my bed to jot down any good ideas I have while I’m lying in bed. Too often, things hit me after lights out, and I think “I’ll remember that” but in the morning, I don’t. So, I implemented the pad so I don’t lose the idea for a million-dollar movie screen play or something.

But it almost doesn’t matter. Because when I look at the pad, I can’t really read what I wrote at night.

I know what you’re thinking: “turn the lights on next time you’re writing. Then you’ll be able to read it in the morning.”

No. You don’t understand. The lights were on. I’m not talking about reading it in the morning.

I mean, when I’m write something, I now notice that I can’t read it while I’m writing it.

I don’t think I’m technically literate anymore.

My friend made a computer font out of her handwriting, which is cool. Not an option for me. Actually, I should try it two ways. I should do it where I write the letters how I would want them to show up on screen, like my friend did. Which would be close to my handwriting… if it was good. And then I should just quickly write down each letter and use that. And see if anyone, anywhere can read either.

Just to be clear (hahaha). Here’s my notes from the other night:

The top is me trying to be legible. The bottom is just naturally writing something


You’re Not a Spy.

January 28, 2010

I have been watching Chuck a lot recently. I bought the season two DVD and burned through about two episodes a day, and of course, season three started this month with four episodes in eight days.

I'm at a Chuck overload. Defintely haven't hit my Sarah Walker limit yet though.

When you watch that much of one show at one time, you tend to become immersed in that world, as I alluded to before.

When I discovered 24, I watched the first three seasons in about three weeks. I was on high Bauer alert 24/7. You just can’t help thinking like the characters in the show, because you spent time observing that world so much.

I was living in Ohio, and as I’m pulling into my apartment complex, I heard sirens. Then around the corner, this car comes flying around the bend and I see right on his heels is a police car with sirens blazing.

I was about to turn left, and then follow the same curve they were about to exit. And my instinct was to slam on the breaks, jerk the wheel hard left, and block the exit so the perps couldn’t escape.

And then I thought “What the heck am I thinking? These guys either don’t have insurance, or soon won’t have any income. They’ll total my car and I’ll be screwed.”

So instead, I just stopped (there was a stop sign I never adhere to anyway) and made the car’s exit extremely tight at that speed. Their options were to slow down and make their escape at 5 mph, or fly around the corner, hit my car and risk getting caught.

Well, once they cleared, I floored it straight ahead into the open parking lot, allowing the cops to turn at high speeds, and catch up to the car while it was turning out of the parking lot. I saw the cops bump the car as it turned, spinning it around and onto the curb. And then I kept driving in case there were guns.

But the point is: I was thinking like a Counter-Terror super agent.

Now, I’m watching Chuck and assuming everyone around me has a secret life of espionage. And I try to round out their back story when I see them. Good spy, bad spy, how I’ll end up killing them if they reveal their fiendish plot. You get the idea.

But unfortunately, I never flash on things. Or have a sexy handler.


Welcome to the 21st Century

January 27, 2010

As you may recall, a while back, I commented how my phone sucked and I needed an upgrade, to an awesome, Jack Bauer worthy, phone.

Well, I now have a Blackberry Bold 9700

I'd post a picture of mine, but my camera is on the Blackberry, duh.

It’s quite enjoyable after going through life with a phone that only calls, and texts, and occasionally has a working alarm.

I’m still trying to figure some things out (Blackberry Messenger? Add me as a contact! kevfu@att.blackberry.net). But soon, I’m sure I’ll figure out how to stream video of sports on it.  And, because I needed a Jack Bauer worthy phone, my message tone is the CTU phone sound, and my ring tone is the beeping 24 clock.


I Hate Birthdays on Facebook.

January 26, 2010

When you see someone on their birthday, you say “Happy Birthday!” and that’s the appropriate wishing of a happy birthday. In person, you say it when you walk in a door or when you run into them.

But it’s horrible when you’re with someone and run into the person with a birthday, and you’re beaten to the punch.

Other person: Happy birthday!
You: Yeah, happy birthday!

Your birthday wishes seem just bland, obligatory and meaningless, because the other person beat you and devalued them.

Now, on Facebook, you’re ALWAYS giving devalued birthday wishes.

Because even though you had the independant thought to wish them a happy birthday, someone probably beat you to the punch and you look like you’re just adding “oh yeah, happy birthday, too.”

Unless you are the very first, but you gotta wish them a happy birthday the night before, like right before midnight. But that’s like saying “Hey, I’m going to get this out of the way now, because your birthday is tomorrow, but that’s inconvenient for me.”

Of course, nothing is worse than when people write “Thanks for all the birthday wishes” on their facebook at like 11 am., and you haven’t yet wished them a happy birthday. It makes you look like a jackass who didn’t remember if you reply to THAT with “Happy Birthday!”

What kind of attention whore are you that you’d do that at 11 a.m.? 11 P.M. is perfectly fine, but not before the night is up. Wait until the next day to thank people.

Although, I can’t complain about Facebook birthday’s too much, since Facebook is really the only reason I remember most people’s birthdays to begin with.


So, What’s Next?

January 21, 2010

In light of recent events (and I noticed a substantial increase in traffic this week, thanks!), I sent this letter to Conan O’Brien today:


Dear Conan,

I’d like to offer you my services for your FOX show, err, next future project.  I’m suddenly available because the dim-witted morons who are in charge of our operation decided to screw me over with a poor decision that was convenient for them, but really wasn’t thought through all the way (Stop me when this sounds familiar).

Anyhow, I’m a media relations specialist, with a journalism and creative writing background.  I didn’t get quite the severance package you did, so you may have to pry me away from an Arby’s in September, but I’m more than willing to ditch the exciting world of third-rate fast food joints for a network that’s third-rate in late night television.

I work hard and I’m willing to caress myself while wearing a costume of any wild animal. And if you need me to do that on your new show, even better.

I can send along a resume if you’re interested.

Sincerely,

Kev-Fu


Twenty Four for 24

January 18, 2010

So I was watching ESPN’s series 30 for 30 after I was watching the season premier of 24. And I got the idea for the title. So here’s 24 thoughts from the season premier of 24.

1. I spent the entire two hours hating the new bad guy just because of how he looks. He just looks annoying. Then I realized he’s Percy from The Green Mile. And I feel justified in hating him.

2. The new head of CTU? Bubba Blue from Forest Gump.  Somehow, I actually think he’s going to live this season.

3. Baby Terri is a really ugly baby.

4. Ok, there’s items in which 24 needs to use to do something they have to do each season to keep the plot moving without resorting to the same old tired things they’ve done before. But The last one is new and ridiculous reasons to drag Jack back in. Like the NY CTU is going to let Jack just run an op with no official status. “Hey, be a vigilante! It okay! Take some guns!”  If they just said “Jack, you’ve saved the world like 18 times the last 15 years. You’re the best, we need you.” After all, he just brought to their attention a plot to kill a president at the U.N.

5. How about Bubba just listens to the guy who brought them a very real credible threat. And we know it’s a credible threat since the bad guys killed two CTU agents.

6. Chloe not being the best? See, there’s a good wrinkle.

7. What’s the big deal with CTU taking down the reporter. Never trust any member of the media, period.

8. Already rooting for Freddie Prinze, Jr. to die.

9. Ok, I realize Freddie is playing a CTU agent, and isn’t Freddie Prinze, Jr., but he could do so much better than the ugly chick he’s working with at CTU, Dana Walsh.

10. Highly doubt a sitting president gets divorced while in office. I’d think their lawyers would use the obvious leverage of “we’ll give you everything you want in the divorce if we don’t actually do the divorce while we’re living in the White House.”

11. Also highly doubt Kim Bauer tells her dad to go risk his life. I think by now, her mindset would be more “How many times are you going to cheat death? Get on the freaking plane.”

12. I also love how Kim Bauer did the first three seasons before leaving the show to advance her career. And now she keeps coming back because she has nothing better to do. Well, besides hockey players.

13. Why is Dana so worried about that dude calling destroying her new life? What could she possibly have in her past that would come back to haunt her? She was arrested? Murdered a person? Was a drug addict? Jack’s done all of the above and he’s the greatest CTU agent in history. Unless she was in a terrorist cell (which I don’t think they have in trailer parks) I think she’ll be fine.

14. The NY CTU? Wow, what a waste of money. Do we really need an interrogation room door that opens electronically from above? Hinges are really cheap and really efficient.

15. And yet, Jack somehow knows his way around it quite easily, despite having never met the boss or anyone who works there but Chloe.

16. They also have easily accessible parking for people, like Kim. Kim shouldn’t have any idea where CTU is, since she doesn’t work for them, nor has she ever. Nor has Jack. Yet they know how to get to their underground bunker.

17. Speaking of, I think the most unrealistic part of 24 season eight after two episodes wouldn’t be that Victor Aruz found his old contact Jack Bauer about five years and a fake deaths after working for him as a contact in CTU LA, but that he got a parking space right out front.

18. A game show host in India is also the President of Kamistan.

19. And while we’re all thinking its his brother or wife who’s the inside person trying to kill him, it’s probably the younger chick.

20. I figured that Jack’s visit with a Muslim Imam at the end of last season brought him peace, they could get away with using a real country this time, instead of “Kamistan” and say “hey, the hero is a Muslim who FIGHTS terror.”

21. I don’t expect to hear about the three guys who got murdered in the first episode ever again. Why would anyone notice some random people got shot in New York City.

22. But when they show the news on TV, they need to mention the two cops gunned down in an alley by machine guns and the ROCKET LAUNCHER EXPLOSION that occurred on West 21st and Ninth Ave.

23. Two hours and two deaths? One by accident? I mean, axe to the chest was pretty cool, but the other guy just fell. Then again, that’s something kinda real. He should have shrugged like “alright, quicker than I thought.”

24. They changed the clock that goes to and from commercials. The colon between hour and minutes and minutes and seconds used to be spaced in the middle of the numbers. But now the dots are way lower.

Yes. I’m a loser.


More TV Thoughts… Do You Know a Neilsen Family Member?

January 13, 2010

So while reading all the Conan/Leno stuff, a big deal is made about all of their Nielsen Ratings: How only 3 million people are watching Conan, yada yada yada.

Nielsen compiles these ratings by giving households around the US a special box that records their TV watching habits. It transmits the report each night to Nielsen via cable modem.

There are 25,000 Nielsen “Families.”

There are 210 TV markets in the US. The #207 market is Juneau, Alaska. It has more households than Nielsen has families.

Since the average household has 2.55 people per household on average (according to a Nielsen’s study), there are roughly 63,750 people in Nielsen households.  When they say “3 million people watched Conan last night” they mean that 656 people watched Conan last night.

The number of Nielsen family members is lower than the number of people that attended a home game for the football team with the poorest attendance… in the XFL.

There are fewer Nielsen family members providing ratings data than there are employees at 30 Rockefeller Center.

In other words, 0.008% of all American’s are factoring into the TV ratings. Statistically, you are more likely to know someone who was born with a sixth finger or toe than you are to know someone who’s opinion of TV shows actually matters.

4,456,650

Fixing NBC.

January 10, 2010

Aside from firing all those idiots…. there’s an easy way to solve their late-night issue of Leno’s show providing poor lead ins to the local news and Conan.

Shorten Leno’s bad show to a half hour an move it to 8:30.

Then they have 2,5 hours to fill now instead of five.

They don’t have to come up with FIVE 10 p.m. shows when other networks already have shows there with a fan base.

One episode of Leno would be in the middle of Thursday’s very strong lineup, improving its ratings.

Another Leno episode would be preceded by the good show from Thursday that has to move (Parks & Rec or Community).

You have to displace two shows that are one-hour programs that begin at 8 p.m. But that’s GOOD because you need 10 pm shows with a following as a strong lead in to the news to make your affiliates happy.

And you have one:  the #2 television DVD/Blue Ray by sales this week (#19 for all DVD/BR) that has been in the top 100 of DVD/BR sales for two whole months despite the fact that it was actually released on Tuesday. It has a cult following, which means you can move it  out of the most loaded time slot in television, and made it an awesome lead in for the news.

You’d need two new dramas and two new 30 minute shows, which could be reality shows, since they are the cheapest to produce.

Here’s what it could look like:

MONDAYS
8:00 Community
8:30 Jay Leno
9:00 Parenthood
10:00 Chuck

TUESDAYS
8:00 The Biggest Loser
10:00 (New Show)

WEDNESDAYS
8:00 (New Sitcom/Reality Show)
8:30 Jay Leno
9:00 Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
10:00 Mercy

THURSDAYS
8:00 Parks and Recreation
8:30 Jay Leno
9:00 The Office
9:30 30 Rock
10:00 (New Show)

FRIDAYS
8:00 (New Reality Show)
8:30 Jay Leno
9:00 Law & Order
10:00 Dateline NBC

Their two new shows are after two of their highest rated shows (Biggest Loser and SVU). Why doesn’t that work perfectly?

Any TV executives may leave job offers in the comments.


How Does Anyone at NBC Have a Job?

January 8, 2010

NBC sees horrible Jay Leno Show ratings, bad Conan ratings (largely due to Leno’s poor lead ins and Letterman’s scandal ratings boost) and is now planning on moving Leno’s show to 11:35 with a half hour show before the Tonight Show at 12:05.

NBC decided Conan was their late night future and it was so important to keep Conan as Leno’s heir that they pushed Leno aside early. And now they are going to screw him over with this?

Tainting the legacy of the Tonight Show yet again by declaring Jay Leno is more important and pushing Conan to 12:05 is giving Conan a reason to be upset with NBC… when Leno is 60 years old.

Let’s not forget that Carson gave Leno “full time guest host” duties when Carson was 62 and retired at age 67. Leno has a few years left, and then NBC is going to turn back to Conan as their future…

… right around the same time David Letterman, 62 now, is also looking to step down.

Letterman, who was screwed over by NBC (at age 46, the same age Conan is now) is the owner of World Wide Pants, the production company of The Late Show. Wouldn’t he just love to go out by hiring Conan O’Brien to be his successor when he steps down — ideally at the exact same time as Jay Leno — delivering the ultimate “Screw You” to NBC?


Stream of Consciousness XIII (Christmas Leftovers)

January 6, 2010

Random thoughts I kept over the busy holiday season:

** Could we put the nickname of “America’s Team” up for a vote? Cause it’s damned sure not the Dallas Cowboys. Anyone rooting for the Cowboys over the Saint is either a Dallas fan, a jealous Colts or Dolphins fan, a souless bastard, or two of the three.

** When I have a bizarre dream, I often go to to a website that has a large database of dream symbolism. Like “To see a skull in your dream, symbolizes danger, evil and death; or secrets of the mind.”

I think I developed some type of dependent behavior for the site, because last night I had a dream that I was making out with a cute girl I know. I was opening up the site before realizing “What do I need this website for? I clearly want to make out with that cute girl. I don’t need a website to tell me that. I know for a fact that I would like to make out with that cute girl.”

** I don’t like living in place where country music is popular.

** In my last move, I think I lost a kitchen box. No pots to cook pasta in are anywhere in my home anymore. Nor is my cookie-sheet. Have you ever tried re-heating pizza with nothing to put it on in the over?

** If I had a dollar for every time someone says “It’s freezing” and I have to explain that it’s not freezing, because freezing is an actual number, not just a descriptive term for “cold,” I would have a enough money to fly somewhere warmer. It’s been cold here in New Orleans, well, for New Orleans. It’s legitimately uncomfortable… so much so that I actually got around to turning my heat on. I wore slippers for four days before realizing I hadn’t turned it on.

** Ever have a genius idea that you’ll never be able to use and never see come to fruition? Me too. Kinda depressing.