Halloween Horror: Friday the 13th (2009)

October 31, 2009

Happy Halloween. As a fan of the Friday the 13th movies (well, the first four), it was tragic that I didn’t see the “re-launch” in the theatres. However, since I knew it was going to suck, and everyone I knew also knew it was going to suck and wouldn’t go with me, I decided to buy the DVD from the discount bin and save it for Friday, the night before Halloween.

I say I knew it would be horrible because once I knew Michael Bay was attached, it was going to be a brutal rape of the original series.

That being said, there was only one option: Keep running comments while I watched it  and post them here so you don’t have to watch this piece of garbage yourself. By reading this, you’re going to have the movie ruined for you. Then again, by watching it, you’re going to have the series ruined for you by the producers. Better for you to choose me and get 80 minutes of your life back.

I never got around to hooking up my DVD player, so I just popped it into the PlayStation, which doesn’t have a time display, so all times are soccer-style approximate guesses.

4′ – So, one of my favorite movies of all-time (That would be Friday the 13th, the original, or Part I) reduced to the opening credits of a horrible remake. Awesome.

11′ – To be a secondary lead female character in a Friday the 13th movie, you need acting talent or great breasts. Definitely not both, and casting directors probably don’t really care about the first. This chick, “Amanda” (played by America Olivo) is oh-for-two.

14′ – Sister Christian? Really? Did the original score really need work?

15′ – First death. Out of nowhere with zero suspense. Wow. It should HARD to butcher a classic this bad. It’s not like the original series didn’t give you FIVE blueprints on how to make a good Friday the 13th movie.

18′ – Why would Camp Crystal Lake have a carved head board for Jason Vorhees? He did not “live” there.

22′ – Burning someone to death, using a bear trap, stabbing at two people through the floor boards? This is not Jason Vorhees.

22:34 – Guy dragged under the floor boards

22:38 – Jason goes after the chick.

I guess all it takes is being under a cabin to kill someone in four seconds.

He’s tried to kill five people and we haven’t seen the machete?

24′ – Ah. There’s the machete.

24:15 – Wait, more credits?  Ah, that was merely the SECOND preamble. Part II re-made in 20 minutes. I guess we now get the “new” Jason movie. We’re now six weeks later.

30′ – Ah, so the chick from the first party (“Whitney Miller”) has a brother, “Clay Miller,” who will probably be one of two people living at the end. I guess there’s no more plot mystery.

34′ – “Ok Kyle, your character is named ‘Donnie.’ Just give us Michael Rappaport imitating Jay from the Clerks movies.”

38′ – Hey, Jason appears in broad daylight. First time for everything, I guess.

39′ – Oooh, the dramatic first hockey mask donning. Might have been better at night. Why does a everyone in Crystal Lake have hockey equipment at summer camps, or on farms?

43′ – Seriously. Why the hell is Jason showing himself to everyone during the freaking afternoon? He’s walking on a damned pier at 4:15 in the afternoon on a summer day.

46′ – Hmm, two minutes later, it’s dark. I guess the bright light in the last scene must have been–

HOLY FREAKING SR!@$!( WHAT THE #$(!)# WAS THAT!??!?!

I just jumped 10 feet in the air. My pulse is racing, and I am trying to calm down but complete have the fear shakes.

No. Not this crappy movie. My Halloween costume was hanging on my halogen lamp to dry, but it fell at an angle from behind me. I didn’t see/hear it start to go. The pole hit me in the shoulder from behind as the glass top smashed into the wall with an extremely loud and startling crash.

I wish I had video of that for you. That was probably the highlight of the movie.

Ok. Clean pair of shorts and we’re back.

50′ – Booby traps? Jason is setting booby traps. And he has a dungeon?

51′ – No. Seriously. Jason Vorhees. Has. A Dungeon. WHAT THE HELL?!??!?!

52′ – OH MY FREAKING GOD THEY GAVE HIM A F**KING TENDER SIDE!  He has KEPT WHITNEY MILLER FOR SIX WEEKS chained in his dungeon. And. He. DOES. NOT. KILL. HER.

54′ – Yeah, no search party would ever find a room of dead, decaying body parts not being refrigerated in the summer when it’s cleverly hidden two feet underground and natural light is coming in.

67′ – One way to redeem this: Have Lawrence the Token Black Guy be the only person who lives.

70′ – Damn. So much for Larry the Black Guy.

78′ – The second male lead “Trent” (who’s a dick, so you know he’s going to die) has a gun. He better accidentally shoot someone who’s not Jason.

By the way, after the fact, I noticed Trent is played by the same guy who played “Trent” in Transformers. So, same production team. Same character. How he gets from high school in wherever the geographically challenged Transformers movie was based in to a camp in New Jersey is beyond me.

81′ – Ok, Jason making quick work of the cop was pretty good.

85′ – So help me God, I cannot think of a single thing to make a worse Friday the 13th movie than Jason Vorhees holding hostages in his basement dungeon for six weeks.

87′ – Ok, it could be worse if they pulled a Tom & Jerry movie and had Jason talk. But short of that, keeping a hostage for six weeks, is still the ultimate crappy plot and ending.

91′ – Dropping the gun in water. I did not see that coming. Ok, I totally saw that coming.

105′ – Did she really need to add “… in hell” ? And boy did that machete go in and out easily. It’s not a sword. It’s not a stabbing weapon, it’s a chopping weapon.

107′ – And the rip off of the first ending, done horribly. Not to mention that his mask comes off and sinks to the bottom separate from his corpse. And he puts it back on without making a single splash in about seven seconds (plus, you know, coming back to life!).

That was absolutely brutal. Once again, Michael Bay has produced a movie which ruins a fond memory from my child hood. My parents should have just invited him over every Christmas morning to break my presents in front of me a hurl baby fetuses at the dinner table.

In general, I feel like projects such as this, or seasons of 24, needs to have a big time fan on the set or in the writer’s room. A guy who’s sole job it is to be the voice of reason and say “wait a minute. No. Just no. You CAN NOT DO THIS. I know these characters, I like or love these characters; they can not act this way.” or “Hey, isn’t that a big gigantic plot hole?” Someone for quality control. So when I watch the bonus features with the actors and writers talking about how much they love the Jason character, they should not add “This script was so good” or allow this abortion to happen.

I also checked out IMDB.com to read the trivia, the FAQ, etc, and I notice one of the FAQs is “Did I miss something? I mean, since when did Jason take prisoners?”  I would like to have the person who wrote the answer killed. The answer says that since the chick resembled Jason’s mother and…

“Throughout the franchise, it is established that his mother is his one weakness and the only person he feels any real emotional connection to, so it’s really not a major departure for the character.”

Bullshit. It is a major departure. Everyone else has either been killed or killed Jason and gotten away until the next sequel.

Not only is it just simply WRONG and a slap in the face of the entire plot of 11 previous movies, but the entire movie was then completely obvious after 50 minutes of setup. Not that any of the others weren’t, but still. If you’re going to establish a stupid plot we see coming, then give us what we really want:

1. Suspense

This would be done with the excellent Henry Mancini soundtrack the first ones had. Throw in some misdirection where you think someone will die and keep us guessing.

2. Jason Vorhees killing people when they are alone.

None of this killing people while others are so close. Because multiple times they had Jason kill someone a few feet from other characters in methods that wouldn’t be quick and deadly, and definitely wouldn’t be silent.

3. Jason Vorhees being a badass.

Not keeping women alive for SIX WEEKS. I went about 20-30 minutes thinking it was a different character he was keeping alive, because the scene in which they establish he’s got a dungeon and this broad chained up, is basically had the “first time she wakes up in the dungeon” scene, which should have taken place six months earlier. She doesn’t look ragged, malnourished, and acts like it’s the first time he’s come up to her. Which couldn’t happen or she’d have died of starvation/dehydration. If he’s been feeding her for six weeks, she doesn’t have that reaction to him like it’s the first time she’s seen him.

4. Give us some “That was awesome” moments.

Like in Part VII, when after beating someone in a sleeping bag to death by grabbing it and slamming the bag against the tree, he kicks the corpse.

This movie had nothing like that.

How about this for a re-launch: Tell the back story, re-establish that he’s alive and killing people. Keep us guessing at “who’s going to live at the end.” Keep him true to character (in the killing everyone who comes to that site, sense). Go ahead an make him smarter, more agile, territorial like a hunter; which is what they SAID they were trying to do with him. Have him be a complete and total bad ass. The coolest and most awesome Jason we’ve ever seen, while remaining the Jason character we do want to see. And don’t have him deviate so drastically by keeping people alive in a dungeon. And at the end… KILL EVERYONE and end it there. That’s all we really want. Throw in some new and innovative deaths and the same awesome score and you’ll be called a genius.

That’s how you bring in new fans and make more money for future sequels. Look at the numbers. $65 million at the box office. The original pulled in $40 million in 1980. So the only people who went to see the new one was diehard fans like me.

If you make the re-launch completely awesome and give us what we want, we’ll drag our friends to go see it again and you’ll make money. You’ll get new fans. When you make a mediocre version that’s nowhere close to the original (hey, Jason revealing himself in the daylight!), you lose the fans who’ve followed for decades. Friday the 13th Part II (again. Why the hell are they calling a sequel to the remake Part II. Especially when Part I-III was covered in the first remake?) is going to do horribly at the box office, because people like me won’t go see it.

They count 13 kills for Jason in this movie. They should add all the die-hard fans of the series to the list.


That Was Bizarre

October 30, 2009

I turned right onto Audubon Place, a very narrow one-way (well, it’s two ways with a giant median/”neutral ground” down the middle) with parked cars on the right side.

Before I turned, I waited for some chick on a bike to clear the intersection. Then I came to a stop, while someone driving down the street had stopped and was talking through their open window to someone sitting in a parked car on the side of the street.

Naturally, it was a Cadillac. Anytime someone’s stopping the flow of traffic or going to be a Cadillac or Buick, or some other old person’s American made car.

As I grew a little frustrated, I then noticed that between me and the Caddy was the chick on the bike. Sitting there, pissed off like I was… like she was a CAR.

Hello. You’re on a bike. Just ride on the neutral ground/median around the freaking car. You’re not bound to roads. In fact, you really shouldn’t be riding down the middle of the street like a car when you’re not a car.

After about 90 seconds, the Caddy pulled up and pulled over and I resumed my drive home… only to realize that my 20 mph speed on this street was still WAY too freaking fast for the FREAKING BIKE in front of me.

Which led me to ponder… who is the most stupid person of those two? The parked Caddy driver, blocking traffic like a self-absorbed A-hole. Or the crazy chick who thinks she’s driving a car when she’s on a freaking bike?


And the Seventh Seal Was Opened…

October 26, 2009

This is quite probably the worst season in the history of baseball.

The Mets have 24 of their 50 players spend time on the disabled list, $119 million worth of their $140 million payroll, and they finish in fourth place with a mere 70 wins.

The Phillies, after running their mouth all off-season, win the East and make the World Series again.

They face the Yankees, the team we’ve hated since the mid-90s because every time they win, we have to hear about it, and even won a World Series on our field in 2000.

Mets fans are divided in whom to root for and who’s the lesser of two evils.

For me, it’s simple: I’m rooting for the Yankees.

I’ve accepted the fact that the Mets aren’t catching the Yankees in terms of Championships (score thus far: 26 to 2), at least not in my lifetime. (although, iince I can remember, it’s only 4-to-1). And anytime the Yankee fans in my life throw “26 Championships” at me, I point out they’ve only won seven since my team existed, and only four in that fan’s lifetime. The difference between 26 and 27 is nothing.

Philly on the other hand, pissed and moaned in 2006 when we won the division, saying we “celebrated too much” and called us classless for enjoying winning (when they do the exact same thing). They beat us while we choked in 2007. Beat us again in 2008 and then won the World Series, and a 2009 Championship for the Phillies would really make the 2010 season miserable for me as well.

If the Phils win the World Series again, then if/when the Mets win the 2010 World Series, all their whiny players who talk trash will bust out things like “The Mets are halfway there. Now they have to win it again to match us.”

Picking whom to root for in a Phillies-Yankees World Series is like picking which inmate gets to rape you in the prison shower: You identify the biggest cock, and pick the other guy.

A vast number of Yankee fans can be dicks. Their players haven’t really ever been dicks to the Mets, except Roger Clemens, who’s steroid-riddled ass is now in retirement.

The Phillies on the other hand, are complete and total dicks.

I don’t say this often, so listen up: “Let’s Go Yan-kees”


Kinda Racist

October 21, 2009

After work, I went to Best Buy and bought a video game. The game came locked inside a hard plastic case and after purchasing, I had to so some yellow-shirted monkey my receipt so he’d unlock it for me.

That itself isn’t a big deal until you consider that I was buying a PlayStation TWO game, which was $25 instead of the $50 price tag on XBox and PS3 games.

And this game was the ONLY PS2 game locked inside such case.

That also doesn’t make it racist, but consider the game in question was FIFA Soccer 2010, which has the text on the case in both English and Spanish.

In other words, they’re saying Spanish people steal.


Stream of Consciousness XI (Subconcious Edition)

October 16, 2009

Have you ever dreamed about a guy who’s kind of pale, with a short, round face and big bushy eyebrows? His eyes and mouth are big on his face. He has a receding hairline, and a slight smile. Have you ever seen him in a dream?

Is it sad that when I have back-to-back nights were I’m asleep by 1:30 a.m., I start thinking “is there something wrong with me? Maybe I’m sick.”

I’m just so used to being up late, that going to bed at midnight or one, and being asleep within an hour is extremely rare for me.

I think the most ironic (?) thing would be if I was really tired, and about to go to sleep and then got paranoid that I had some serious illness. And that paranoia kept me awake all night. Like, “Oh my God I’m sleeping all the time. It’s probably lukemia!” and then I was up. But you’d think at around 3 a.m., I’d feel normal and be at peace again.

My streak of good sleep nights was broken up by thunderstorms. I have a friend who doesn’t care for them. She gets on edge during them, especially when she’s alone.

So last night, when the thunderstorms were pretty wicked, I thought “Gee, I hope my friend’s okay.”

And then I thought “It’s freaking thunder. She’s a 26 year old woman, not a frightened puppy! Of course she’s okay. WTF is the matter with me?”

Is this a sign that I’m a bad person? That I sometimes get mad at myself for being compassionate?


This is Not Going To Be a Good Day

October 9, 2009

The other day, I had pretty bad day at work (Good ending though). And the worst part, was that I knew it was going to be a bad day because the last dream I had before waking up went something like this:

— I woke up with a headache.
— Was looking in the mirror and noticed a gouge in my head.
— Upon further investigation, I had a crack in my freaking head and a hole in my skull and a steady stream of blood was pumping out of it… much like a scene in Saving Private Ryan on the beach.
— I put my head under cold water to slow down the bleeding. I was getting lightheaded and woozy and calling to my family to come help me…

And then I woke up for real.

This did not strike me as a good omen. So I consulted the internet:

– To dream that you are bleeding or losing blood, signifies that you are suffering from exhaustion or that you are feeling emotionally drained.

– To see a skull in your dream, symbolizes danger and death. Alternatively, it denotes the secrets of the mind.

– To see your brain in your dream, suggests that you are under severe intellectual stress. It may also symbolize your problem-solving abilities and that you need to put those abilities to use. Alternatively, it may imply that your ideas are not receiving enough attention and validation. You are concerned that your knowledge and teachings are not be transmitted clearly.

– To dream that you are calling or signaling for help, suggests that you are feeling lost, overwhelmed, and/or inadequate.

– To dream that you are or feel helpless, suggests that you are experiencing difficulties in confronting a situation or relationship. You feel that you are unable to take charge of yourself.

That is some deep, heavy depressing shit right there.


The Thinker

October 8, 2009

Last night I got caught in a monsoon. We had a volleyball match I had to attending across campus and I had no choice but to get drenched on my walk/run to the car.

Upon arrival to the arena, I am soaked from head to toe and didn’t enjoy the prospect of sitting at the match for over three hours soaking wet. So I went to the tiny laundry room in the building (which is always locked and very few people have keys), and I closed the door behind me, tossed my shirt and pants into the dryer and sat on a stool for 20 minutes.

Me. Only wearing boxers and in a horribly cramped laundry room

Me. Only wearing boxers and in a horribly cramped laundry room

I’m sitting there with nothing to do but make sure my junk doesn’t fall out of my boxers as I’m sitting here looking like “The Thinker.” The gym is filling up with fans and I’m thinking “this could be pretty horrific if someone came in here right now. I’d have a lot of explaning to do. This is how people get arrested. Someone would get the most horrible ideas of me being in here, with no pants, and by myself.”

And that’s when I looked down into the corner of this tiny, cramped, kinda dirty and disgusting room, by the water heater.

Apparently, I wasn’t the only person to ever be in that laundry room, because lying on the floor was a Lucky Boy condom wrapper.

That's gross. Also, not mine.
That’s gross. Also, not mine.

Luckily my pants dried well before someone came in and I had even more explaining to do. But it begs the question: Who is railing some broad in the laundry room of a gym? And what classy lady is saying “yes” to the offer?