Excruciating Sandwich

I just spent 10 minutes of hell in line at a Quiznos. The girl in front of me had never been to a Quiznos before, and is asking every stupid question there is.

I’ve never been to a Quiznos before… what is it like?
Quiznos guy: What other sub shops have you been to?
Oh, is it like a Subway?

Uh, in the sense that you pay them for a sandwich, yes, yes it is.

I don’t know what you have, what can I get?

My answer would have been either:
“uh, Subs”  OR “(points to the gigantic menu on the wall over his head that’s six feet from this very stupid girl)”

If I wanted a sandwich with turkey, cheese, lettuce, mustard and pickles, could I get that here?

Yeah, probably in about two minutes if you stopped asking stupid questions and just said “Gimme a turkey with cheese, lettuce,  mustard and pickles.”

What sizes are there?
It’s a freaking sub shop! Nevermind that the gigantic menu shows three prices for each sub, with the prefixes  SM, REG and LG… at ANY sub shop, there are four options:
#1 is a large, that’s the biggest. Every sub shop has this.
#2 is the small, that’s the smallest. Every sub shop has this.
#3 is the medium, which would be in the middle if they have a medium. Sometimes this is called a regular. Only dicks care about the semantics of the name.
#4 is the small you get when they tell you they don’t have a medium. This would be true of places with “Whole” or “Half”

The guy holds up two loaves of bread, one small white bread, one regular wheat to display size.

Oh, can I get that one in that one?

What? It takes three minutes to determine she wants a small on wheat bread.

And things weren’t actually annoying me at this point.  What set me into Frustrationland was the cheese discussion.

Do you have shredded cheese?
We have shredded cheddar.
Ok, I’ll have that.
Wait. What other cheeses do you have?
Provalone.. Swiss… American…
Are they shredded?
I wanted shredded mozzarella.
We have mozzarella, it’s just not shredded.
Oh, ok. No shredded cheese then.
Ok, you want the mozzarella?
No. No cheese. I don’t want any cheese.

I nearly jumped through their oven to stop the pain.

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