More Classics, Ruined.

Hindsight is an amazing thing.

At the ballpark, we play Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond in between innings, blatantly ripping off the Boston Red Sox, who did it first (as you may remember if you suffered through Fever Pitch).

I used to like the song. But then in a 2007 interview, Diamond revealed the inspiration for “Sweet Caroline” was President John F. Kennedy’s daughter, Caroline Kennedy… who was eleven years old at the time.

That just makes the song downright creepy. Who feels so good touching an 11-year old girl? Perverts. People who drive windowless vans, that’s who.

I just had another song ruined for me, ironically enough on my way home from the ballpark. I was listening to a cover of Elton John’s Rocket Man.

And it hit me… “this song is just a metaphor for being gay.”

And I think it’s gonna be a long long time
Till touch down brings me round again to find
I’m not the man they think i am at home
Oh no no no i’m a rocket man
Rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone

He goes out into a crazy world of music stardom only few people venture into (like Astronauts). And isn’t that “I’m not the man they think I am at home” part just a line about not being able to tell his parents about his alternative lifestyle?

Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
(Gay men don’t produce kids)

In fact it’s cold as hell
(Well, yeah, despite any flamboyancy, there’s still no maternal presence providing “warmth”)

And there’s no one there to raise them if you did
(Women being the traditional child raisers. No women in a gay male relationship)

And all this science i don’t understand
(Pretty self explanatory)

I feel the need for an obligatory statement asserting my heterosexuality now. But drats, another classic ruined. What’s next? I find out Summer of ’69 isn’t about a guitar but oral sex? Nah, that’s ridiculous.