Stupidest Thing I Have Ever Read.

April 14, 2009

Found on the internet:

So a friend of mine is taking on an experiment. He’s a small time [drug] dealer and wanted to get a job so his taxes look legit. So he got a job at McDonald’s. 100% of every paycheck (so far he’s had two totaling  $405) is going into lotto tickets. Right now he’s trying to see what works best – he’s done everything from scratch offs to mega millions. He won $300 on a $2 scratch off yesterday. He says his total is about $50 in the green. This really doesn’t sound like an awful idea.

This is by far the stupidest thing I have ever read. The sheer ridiculousness of this is overwhelming.

#1 – You have a job to make money. Whether your job is legitimate or not, your goal is to make money. So blowing your loot on lottery tickets is stupid and contrary to the reason you have a job.

#2 – The fact that you’d do something illegal for money shows how far you’re willing to go to make money, which doubles the stupidity of pissing said money away.

#3 – Isn’t the whole point of dealing drugs to avoid working a crappy job at McDonalds? Now you’re doing both? You’re devoting twice as much time into making the same amount of money. Horrible waste of time.

#4 – If you’re going to do a hairbrained scheme, pick something with a higher rate of return. Gamble on sports, or learn to count cards.

#5 – Your stupid measures STILL would result in tax evasion charges, because your income has increased and you took measures solely to hide that fact.

#6 – If you’re willing to engage in illegal activity for money (sell drugs), then why would you care about simple tax evasion, which bears a much softer penalty in the event that you’re caught?


Drink the Kool-Aid

April 13, 2009

One of the books The Dream let me borrow was Raven, which is the definitive volume on Jim Jones, the People’s Temple and the Jonestown massacre. What’s there to say besides “that’s messed up?”

Well, one thing stuck out in my mind. Before they moved from California to Jonestown, Guyana, someone asked posed a question to a supporter of Jones who was not a Temple member. In essence, the man replied with a comment that meant: “You should get on board with what he’s doing.” His response was “If Jones is drinking a different brand of whiskey than you drink, you should switch to whatever whiskey he’s drinking.”

I found that kind of an odd metaphor, and had to re-read it to figure out what it meant. I thought “that’s a really round-about way to say ‘Drink the Kool-Aid.'” And then it occurred to me that the phrase “Drink the Kool-Aid” wasn’t invented yet. That phrase obviously came about as a result of the misled followers of the People’s Temple, ordered to drink the Flavor Aid (yeah, Flavor Aid, not Kool Aid) in the mass murder (yeah, mass murder, not suicide) in Jonestown in 1978. Naturally, I had a dark chuckle at the realization.

Brief aside:  A guy named Jim Jones has the most hilarious twitter account ever. Not just because his name is “DrinkTheKoolAid” but because the language Twitter uses to keep track of your feeds. Jim Jones has “45 Followers.” Hopefully things work out better for him than the last set.

And I had an even darker chuckle as I was reading the climax of the  aforementioned book. The climax being the deaths of over 900 people at the hands of cyanide-laced grape Flavor Aid, while sitting on my couch drinking from a cup of grape Gatorade (ok, technically ‘Riptide Rush,’ but it was purple).

What’d Brian Do Now?

April 11, 2009

The Dream wonders how I get through books so fast. Obviously, he doesn’t have my neighbors. I know way too much about them, without ever meeting them (although, I don’t know her name, just Brian’s, because she yells at him and he speaks softly. I like Brian). Without fail, at least twice a week they fight late at night. How they know that I’ve just turned out the light and want to go to sleep, and why that triggers their disputes, I have no idea. But that’s how one chapter becomes half a book. And how a two weeks of reading becomes three nights of reading.

Maybe I should read counselling books. Out loud.

Drooling Zombies

April 9, 2009

So, I wanted to talk about a strange phenomenon from earlier this week here in New Orleans. No, not the flesh-eating zombie scare.  As I mentioned, Kelly Ripa was working out in our building earlier this week.

Now, in my male dominated industry, we’ve all seen situations where an attractive young coed walks into a room of older guys and turns everyone’s head. The males drop everything to gawk at the young knockout.

I found it absolutely amusing that when she was in our building, the tables (ages, not genders) were turned as the 39-year old mother of three stopped a small army of college guys, young enough to be her sons, right in their tracks. Then again, she also drew us older guys like a power magnet clamping on to our steel hips.

No Calamities Yet

April 9, 2009

So far, we’re in the clear. No additional reports of people eating each others flesh, which would signal some kind of zombie apocalypse.  (Just the one report).

The drive home yesterday was semi-stressful. Every pedestrian in view I searched for signs of human activity (social interaction, talking, using a cell phone, etc).

Since I had no weapons on me, I was trying to hurry home. When I noticed I was creeping up on 80 mph (in a 50), I thought “what am I going to say if I get pulled over?”

“Sir, a man bit off the flesh of another man and ate it in Metairie. I’m hurrying home in case this is the onset of the zombie apocalypse. hey, can I have your gun?”

Curse my hyperactive imagination.

This is How it Starts!

April 8, 2009

This is how it starts.

The Zombie Apocalypse very well may be upon us:

Awesome/Not-Awesome (Blonde Actress Edition)

April 7, 2009

Kelly Ripa in work out gear is extremely cute. Caught a glimpse yesterday while she was working out in our weight room. I went in to get a cup of Gatorade (I guess the diabetes is worth it!).

She looks fantastic for a mom of three who’s pretty old (you knew this). She is the type of person I should find annoying and want to slap on general principles; yet I find her extremely attractive. Kinda weird.

Anyway, I really needed something like that after reading about Farrah Fawcett’s health issues. Not that I’m a huge Farrah Fawcett fan… it was just that I had recoiled in horror reading the story of Fawcett because it used probably the most brutal two-word phrase I’ve ever read or heard.

It easily surpassed “plunger rape” (which Jim Rome deemed the #1 worst phrase in mankind). The two-word phrase in the Farrah Fawcett article… and I’m not making this up… “anal cancer.”