Own It

I hate this feeling. I went to lease a new car, and found out my credit score went down, thanks to a stupid fiasco with my student loan. As much as I want to play it off like it wasn’t my fault, I was busy and got lazy and let the thing lapse for a while. Now my new car lease costs $85 more than the last one. And it’s demoralizing.

The main reason I’m ticked at myself isn’t the money. I can make that work. It’s more that I think I felt “embarrassment.” Like, an irrational need to explain what happened.

I had told those people that I wanted a car from them, and I had what I was willing to pay, and I wasn’t going to accept something on their terms and that I was doing them a favor by giving them my business again. I said I respected them because they treated me like a human being and I walked out of multiple car places because they were a-hole sales people, and that’s not how I operated. I got them down $30 a month from their initial terms.

And then their finance guy drops the credit score on me. And it was slightly embarrassing. I think.

I feel embarrassed about something so infrequently that I’m not exactly sure when I am feeling it, or even if I have at all (or even how to spell it, thanks spell-check!). I’ve always felt like I was above embarrassment. To me, I think embarrassment is kind of weakness. As I understand it, when you do something “embarrassing,” you basically feel shame or want to hide from it.  That’s not me at all.

I hate this feeling, mostly because it’s frustration at myself for being stupid (like when you lock yourself out of your house, for example).

I believe than when you screw up, you own it. When I do something stupid, I say “yeah, I did something stupid… because I felt like it at the time.” My general response to moments I should be “embarrassed” about is “F-it, and F-you, I’m not going to be embarrassed about it.”

This one is really tough, because it’s actually affecting me. Most things, like, saying something stupid when I’ve been drinking, for example, I just shrug and say “yeah, so what?” but the “so what?” to this one is “Enjoy your higher car payments.” And I have no one to blame but me.

Its tougher to own, because I’m driving the exact same car as before, but paying way more for it. And I don’t know if I’m going to think about it every single time I get into the stupid thing.

So yeah, I screwed up. And this is my price to pay. Screw it. I can afford it. I’m now going to be cognicent of my credit score, and do my best to absolutely dominate my finances in the next 36 months. What else can I do besides that, and crank my stereo in my sweet new car?

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