I am getting way too good at helping women. I should run a business where I can at least get paid for getting my female friends out of awkward situations or parlay faux attention from me into attention from other males.
In the past month, I’ve been driver and protector of drunk girl getting hit on all night on her birthday (I set a personal-best with 11 cock-blocks); posted fraudulent flirty facebook posts to make a friend’s boy toy jealous; had a pair of pretend conversations with someone so she could avoid talking to a creepy guy; called over multiple members of my basketball team so they could avoid a creepy, drunk and overly affectionate random Venezuelan at the airport; taken one for the team (literally) and talked to said Venezuelan for 10 minutes longer than I wanted to so they could clear security and avoid him.
One of my closest co-workers and I have discussed a system of body-language cues to display so I know “he’s okay” or “come rescue me.”
(Of course, my all-time best moment may have been when I was serving as protector/cock-blocker for a former co-worker who’s husband had not yet joined her in town after she took the job. I’m standing there helping her avoid creeps while she’s dancing and some guy comes running up and just wraps his arms around her waist suddenly from behind. I step up and cock my arm to punch the dude, and my friend grabs my arm. The dude turns to face me, and I see it’s her husband who surprised everyone by showing up at 1 a.m. He thanks me for the fact that I would punch a guy who did that to his wife.)
This could be lucrative. I think the ads on TV would be very Ghostbusters-esque and quite effective. Although my swarmy secretary may spend more time in fake conversations with me than signing up clients.
Aside from my real job, not much else has been going on in my life. So it’s basically boring.
I suppose I could do a Mardi Gras post, but I’ve been too busy with my job to actually enjoy any of Mardi Gras; as has been the case for the last two years.