Products Which Shouldn’t Exist

January 31, 2009

Tim brought me a pair of burgers while I was working the other night. They were good. Explaining what I wanted on them and why led to a conversation about Products Which Shouldn’t Exist:

Shaving Cream

We have shaving gel now. Who’s actually still using shaving cream? No one under 46 I imagine. The only places I’ve seen it is in grandfathers bathrooms or guest bathrooms. Hotels always carry it in the little pantry-area gift shop. The only places I’ve ever seen shaving cream is there, or in old people’s bathrooms. You know, the people who also have the small bottle of Old Spice or Brut after shave next to it.

Yellow Mustard

There is no conceivable function for which yellow mustard is better than other types of mustards. Brown or deli mustard (or “creole” in Louisiana) are infinitely superior to yellow, as are Honey, Spicy or Dijon.

On what is yellow mustard better than those other mustards?

Pretzels? No. (Nance’s Sharp and Creamy is good on those)

Sandwiches? Absolutely not.

Hamburgers? Don’t be ridiculous.

Hot Dogs? Sure you jest, you nazi bastard.

Monostat 7

Monostat 5 and Monostat 3 exist. Why use the seven-day product instead of the three? (See Howie Mandel’s standup for hilarious commentary)

American Cheese

America is the World’s Only Remaining Super Power. So how come our cheese sucks so bad? We should acquire a better cheese and eliminate American cheese. As this conversation from long ago with my friend Andrew illustrates.

Kev: You know, as Americans, we really got screwed when it comes to cheese
Andrew: You mean American cheese?
Kev: Yeah, it sucks.
Kev: We’re freaking America, we should just take someone’s cheese.
Kev: What about provolone. Let’s take that! What are they going to do?
Andrew: We already did
Andrew: American is just mild cheddar
Kev: Mild? it’s not even sissy little girl cheddar
Andrew: Provolone is a good cheese
Kev: Yes. And American sucks.
Andrew: I don’t mind American cheese. There’s worse.
Kev: Yeah, there’s worse. But we deserve the World’s Only Remaining Super Cheese.
Kev: America’s cheese isn’t the best option for anything.
Andrew: Sure it is. You’ve got ricotta and cottage. America crushes that. I don’t want to eat a cheese that looks like white vomit.
Kev: I agree. But I mean, “what’s the best cheese for _______?”
Andrew: You’re saying there is nothing that American cheese dominates. I see.
Kev: Nachos? no. Burgers? no. crackers? hell no. Tacos? Definitely not.
Andrew: So you’d put Provolone on burgers?
Kev: Over American? Every day of the week!
Andrew: Actually, that would be good.
Andrew: mmmmm New American cheese.

Andrews on board. Bush’s last act as President should have been to invade Provolone and take their cheese. Where is that, anyway? Italy? If that’s too hard, Swiss would be an easy target. Or any French cheese.

Hall of Famers, Hall of Shame Storming

January 29, 2009

Live from Birmingham Alabama, where we saw Hall of Famer and two-time MVP Dale Murphy in the lobby yesterday. He was signing some bats, although we didn’t recognize him at first. Megan went struck up a conversation, trying to find out who it was, and when he looked up, Tim recognized him. He was in town for some speach thing. He was sitting with some guy, who was handing him stuff to autograph. I’m sure the bats, balls and jerseys will be auctioned off for charity or something, cause there’s no way he charges for his autograph.

Two-time MVP and Hall of Famer (not my card)

Two-time MVP and Hall of Famer (not my card)

Immediately after we figured out who he was, we’re discussing whether or not he made the Hall of Fame (Tim didn’t think so, I thought he got in), the guy he’s with holds up a MURPHY 3 Atlanta Braves jersey for him to sign. We’d have figured it out a lot earlier if he just held that up when we walked in.

Megan, who just knew he was a baseball player, then Googled him and was excited to find out she “just shook hands with a freaking Hall of Famer!” And went back downstairs to see if she could get an autograph, but he was gone.

I’ve never seen the big deal with all that autograph/gushing that you met someone famous. They are people, who just excel at something. I’m really good at my job, and am a hell of a blog writer. He’s really good at baseball. Big deal.

The other highlight of the evening was watching Wake Forest beat Duke…. and then their students stormed the floor. Now this is a problem. You can’t storm the floor if you’re Wake. There are rules for this.

#1 – You can’t storm the floor when you’re ranked, unless you’re ranked for the first time in a long time and have something to prove, and you beat a team who’s dominated you. Like Davidson. #24 Davidson beats a top five Duke team after losing 21 in row since 1981 to Duke, they can storm.

Wake Forest is the Number 4 ranked team in the country.
You’re supposed to act like you’ve been there before and are supposed to win big games, because when you’re number four. You are.

YES, Duke was “Number one,” but they are not the unanimous number one who’s clearly the dominant team in college basketball. They were preseason third in the ACC. They’ve been number one for A WEEK.

They are number one because YOU couldn’t take care of business against Virginia Tech. Your attitude should be “we’re good enough to beat Duke, it’s no big deal.

#3 – Duke does not have a long, recent dominance of Wake Forest. Wake won nine in a row over Duke from 1993 to 1997. Duke won 14 in a row over Wake Forest from 1997 to 2003. When Wake Forest beat Duke in double-ovetime in 2003… they deserved to storm the floor.

Since the, Wake is 5-6 against Duke in the last six seasons.

Wake won the last meeting

You don’t storm the floor when:
You’re #4
You were #1 last week
You’re basically even in the series in the last 11 games
You won the LAST MEETING with the team.
You already got mocked for storming the floor three weeks ago when you beat UNC.

University of Hostility

January 26, 2009

What’s with the University of Houston being a bunch of classless jerks?

First this:

Now this:


Kev-Fu Dominates English Language

January 25, 2009

Saturday, after watching our team pimp-slap another team, we had a discussion of what verbs were appropriate for headlines and which were not.

For example, could I descibe our 37-point win with “Tulane Pummels Tulsa” ?

I see no problem with that. One of my coworkers disagreed, saying that was a little harsh. I ended up going with “Dismantles,” but the point remains:

I only feel like I should be nice with my verbs when the team we play deserves pity. For example, we’re a private institution in a conference that was among the top eight in basketball. For a while, we were fifth. Since the Big East expanded and raided us, now we’re probably in the 9-12 range.

If we play a team from a conference that’s traditionally in the 15-31 range, I’m not going to say something that demoralizes them (“Demoralizes” would be a good one to use).
But this was a conference game Saturday. We’re supposed to be equals.

If you don’t want us to use vivid phrases to describe how badly we beat you, play better.

One team got upset at our volleyball PA announcer, because he’s got personality and is clever when we score. He’s also loud and has a great voice. The team loves him. The other team felt it was “a little much” and borderline unsportsman like.

To which I say “bah.” The fact remains: If you don’t like the way he says we got a kill, block us. If you don’t like the way he says we got a point, win the point.

Unsportsmanlike to me is playing click-effects like Nelson from the Simpson’s going “Ha-HA!” or something that points out the failure of others, not celebrating the accomplishment of your team.

The only time I’m ever going to get upset about a headline is if it’s inaccurate. If it’s a game that is 10 points throughout, and free throws at the end makes it a 18-point game, and you say “dominates” I’d be upset. That’s a “Cruise” not “Dominates.”

People should take offense to this type of stuff. Use it as motivation to get better, and play harder next time we meet. That’s how you improve rivalries.

Sitting on St. Charles

January 24, 2009

Something I need to add to my Life’s To Do List: I really (and I mean really) want to witness live and in person, a street car hitting an automobile.

I don’t know why I want to see it. I’m just assuming it’s awesome: A massive, iron street car plowing into some idiot’s car.

Some day...

Some day...

Now, that might sound cruel, but they don’t go fast enough to really injure. They just crush the crap out of your car. And remember that the street cars are on tracks, so you have to be pretty stupid to get drilled.

Then again, if anyone has ever tried to turn left in New Orleans, you know how hard it is, so that’s why it’s happens with relative frequency.

One day, I’m just going to take a lawn chair to St. Charles Avenue, fire up a cigar and just wait for it. I imagine the crunching sound is quite awesome.

And I do realize that having documented this desire, I’ve probably ensured that if I ever do get to witness it, I’ll probably be inside the vehicle getting hit.

Why Kev-Fu?

January 22, 2009

After discovering I had a website, the second question you probably asked (after “why?”) was “and why ‘KevFu’ as a site name?”

It all goes back to my freshman year at St. Bonaventure, a small, private institution in upstate New York. One of our freshman classes was an ‘intro to college’ type course with a stupid name. Mandatory for all freshman. It was awful and a predecessor to some bad curriculum they adopted my senior year for all incoming students.

One of the requirements was mandatory attendance at a barrage of stupid seminars.

This fateful evening, I was required to go to a Cultural Diversity seminar. No one else I knew was assigned to go that day, and my friends mocked me for having to miss playoff baseball to go.

I wandered in, sat down and after signing the attendance sheet, looked back at the room behind me: Everyone else in the room was white.

The speaker was white. Keep in mind that I was attending a school which was 96.5% white. There was one student in my class who was male, did not come to school as an athlete, and was also African-American. His name was Dennis.

St. Bonaventures school colors are brown & white. The buildings are brown, the students are white.

St. Bonaventure's school colors are brown & white. The buildings are brown, the students are white.

Furthermore, probably 87% of my classmates attended private high schools. As a public school kid (attending a high school where all the inner city kids which got kicked out of their schools but were deemed worthy of a second chance got bused to), I was in the minority at St. Bonaventure in the sense that I’d even been friends with any kind of black person before.

And I was damned sure I was the only person in the room who’d ever helped break up a gang fight.

Upon seeing nothing but white faces surrounding me in this seminar, I promptly began to cough. Hard. Then excused myself to get a drink of water and went back to my dorm to watch playoff baseball.

Awaiting me on my marker board, written by one of my new friends was the phrase “Kev-Fu is one cultured motherfucker!”

So, when naming this happy place, I decided I wanted something cultured. So now that little story can remind you that when you’re reading about zombie attacks,  Death Pools, who’s the hottest Disney characters, Muppet raps, being enslaved by an army of aliens or robots, or any of the other topics that probably make me a bad person; at least you’ll know I’m cultured.

Pay no attention to the guys in the dark suits

January 21, 2009

If anyone sees some very serious men with ear pieces hanging around this site, don’t be alarmed. Probably just making a routine security sweep.

You see, I found a way to potentially increase my audience on a massive scale.

Sent: Wed 1/21/2009 10:21 AM
Subject: Will You Add Me To Your Blog Roll?

Mr. President,

Love the blog, congratulations on the inauguration & galas. Would you like to trade links on each other’s blog rolls? Thanks!



So we’ll see where that leads. If he visits my site, I think I’m going to have to embed “Hail to the Chief” as an mp3. Anyone know how to do that?

Sensory Input & My Hyper Imagination

January 20, 2009

As I was watching the Inauguration today on BET, and my thought was process reminded me of yesterday’s acclimation point. Specifically, how it applies to all sensory input.

For example, my thoughts when they noted that the President was five minutes late in taking the oath, because Bush’s term expired at noon, made me think “Now is the perfect time for a terrorist attack.”

Because it was. The whole power of the government was sitting outside on a deius, and no one could react to a national security threat without alerting all major networks and most the minor ones, too. And creating a panic is most of what terrorism is all about.

As this applies to my point: The reason I’m thinking about terrorist attacks and not the sociological significance of the event is because I’ve seen five hours of 24 in the last nine days. My mind is in Jack Bauer mode.

Torture might be a little extreme.

Torture might be a little extreme.

Jack Bauer mode means I see people acting shady and I want to apprehend and torture them in case our national security is at stake. It’s not a rational thought, but “What Would Jack Bauer Do?” is a mindset most 24 fans find themselves in after watching.

And I don’t think I “just” have a hyperactive imagination.

My friend Dawn put it brilliantly after we noticed about a 3000% increase in her use of profanity, “Sorry, I’m watching the Sorpano’s now, going through all the seasons on DVD. I didn’t think it was really affecting me that much. But I guess it must be, since you just heard me say ‘fucking cocksucker'”

Enjoying the Winter

January 19, 2009

It’s amazing how fast you get acclimated to your new home.

We had people from the conference office on site for a tour of our venue since we’re going to host the women’s basketball conference tournament in March. Our plan was to have interviews next door to our venue, in the student union which has ample space whereas our 75 year old arena does not.

Our conference officials don’t want to go “so far” even though it’s no far at all. In their words, they just don’t want to take a kid who’s been sweating for two hours and take them outside in the cold.

Now, it was January 17 on the tour, and it was 60 degrees in New Orleans. One of the reps went so far as to say “It could be snowing” and I laughed out loud. As we’ve documented, it’s snowed like seven times in New Orleans in the past 50 years. It will be closer to 80 than 20 in March.

Hell, the last time we hosted the same tournament, we had no AC in the building in 1999, and everyone was complaining about how hot it was, and we had managers waving towels on coaches who were close to passing out (so I’m told).

It’s funny because the day before, I was feeling cold walking from my car to work, and I then I heard the little voice in my head that used to go to school at St. Bonaventure, and live where we got 95 inches of snow a year. This New Yorker in me said “shut up, this isn’t cold.” I snapped out of it because that voice is quite convincing (I think the New Yorker in me’s two favorite phrases are “He’s a piece of shit” and something that rhymes with “Duck ’em”).

I’ll now turn things over to the voice:
“It’s not cold at 40 degrees. If we had a 40 degree January day before, we’d be outside smoking a cigar and loving the ‘Good weather.’ We don’t even own a coat anymore! We only have jackets, sweatshirts and fleeces. When you’re cold, you wear a sweatshirt. And you get all these free ones from work. Suck it up, you pampered baby. You’re not cold. How many times have you had the heat on this “winter?” One? That’s not winter, you go from summer to fall to spring. Quit your freaking whining, you piece of shit.”

California…Knows How to Party

January 17, 2009

New York on the other hand, got stuck being the DD. You know California (aka Sunshine). New York was me.

Miss Daisy and her chauffer

Miss Daisy and her chauffer

Now, for a number of reasons, I was more than happy to do it. I offered my services well in advance, and I think it was a very wise, responsible and good thing that I did it. I should have done it. I was wise to do it. I’m glad I could help in some small way facilitate good times. However, I will point out that being the DD sucks. Royally.

In hindsight, I’m sorry I ever started to drink ever. When I was in college, I didn’t drink at all (save a couple moments where delicious whiskey was used as flavor in coffee, or on one occasion to prove a point to two sissified roommates). And I had a lot more fun than I have now.

Really. I’ve had some good times boozing it up, but I really had a fantastic time because… well, I was (am) a bit of an attention whore and class clown. So to me, nothing was funnier than being crazy/stupid and having people laugh at me for doing crazy random shizzle while sober. It was awesome. I can’t tell you how many times I had to convince people that when they met me at some party, I wasn’t drunk. (“But you were standing on the back of your couch doing the Humpty Dance with a pair of boxer shorts on your head.”)

Now, it seems so forced to try and be the fun-loving sober guy. I am the fun-loving guy when I’m sober. But it just seems like I’m trying too hard.

Then again, I probably try harder and stupider if I’ve been drinking. But at least I don’t think about it.

I'd say a great time

I'd say a great time

Anyhow, I DID have a good time, those around me had a good time (ok, great time) and I’ll have to post some pictures of California LeMastey getting down on her birthday. (And I was probably just pissy because beer gives me a headache and I had one. So don’t feel guilty if you read this, CLM; you had a great time, and I’m glad you did. HVN also is really glad that I drove. And my career. The half dozen random guys who were trying to take advantage of you probably aren’t, but they were douchebags anyway).