I Pity The Fool Who Believes All She Hears

I was watching VH1s Top 100 Songs of the 90s, while looking at People I Might Know on Facebook. Just then, Jewel came on TV talking about Who Will Save Your Soul and I started laughing. I began to wonder if one of these people I forgot ever existed who’s showing up among people Facebook thinks I might know happened to be watching the same show I was. And if she turned to her husband and said “I went to college with a guy who dated her.”

This girl was a freshman our sophomore year, and she was always hanging around our place, and her and her friends always proved to be gullible as hell.

One of my college buddies had an unbelievable gift for saying anything with a straight face. He was the ultimate liar. He would casually drop absurd lies into a conversation with strangers just to see who’d notice. So impressed with his ability, I began casually mentioning things about him to other people and watch him explain the story as if it were truth.

Basically, we began putting each other on the spot. One day, the girl in question posed a question about Mr. T. I simply turned to Brendan and said “You know Mr. T, any idea?” Obviously, the girl asked how he knew Mr. T and I enjoyed the brilliant (fake) answer. The man was a genius (“My grandmother lived across the street from Mr. T’s grandmother. I always had tons of the Mr. T cereal growing up”).

So naturally, it was my turn to be put on the spot. A few days later, the very same gullible girl was informed that I had dated Jewel. I got jumped with the question of how it felt to have dated someone who’s suddenly incredibly famous and asked to tell the whole story:

You see, I had a friend who was quite a bit older than me and later became my youth pastor. He was an accomplished drummer and one of his friends was even better. That friend was presented with an opportunity to join one of the biggest Christian bands in the world, the Newsboys. But before that, he went on tour with his obscure band no one’s ever heard of, save the people in the small places they played.

Jewel will disavow any relationship with this blog’s author, if confronted

It was on that tour in which he met Jewel, who was similarly traveling the country playing coffee houses before her album went huge. I caught a couple shows in which Jewel and my acquaintance’s band played together and they introduced us. We hit it off quite well (“She’s really just a sweet girl who plays the guitar and has a great voice. She’s very down to earth.”) Mostly we talked about spiritual things, as my acquaintance and I were both Christians and Jewel was seeking higher meaning. But she was distrustful of organized religion as most people should be.

So after hanging out with her a couple times at these shows, and afterwards, we wanted to hang out more. Every chance I had, we’d do things together. She was trying to stay close to LA, where the record deals were (Eventually, she got signed and even used my cousin Kris as a studio musician on her debut album).

The geography made it really hard to try and have any kind of relationship — I had no car at the time. I wish a real relationship with her could have blossomed, because she is obviously quite attractive and very cool. But no, I don’t really talk to her anymore.

Of the previous four paragraphs, the first and last are 100% accurate and the middle two are 100% blatant lies. When I told it, I expanded on those middle two paragraphs to include more true facts — like how my youth pastor’s girlfriend, now wife, is an awesome person whom everyone likes (true) and she was a large help during the whole ordeal (I’m sure she would have been!).

If you own the Pieces of You album, and check the liner notes, you’ll probably be surprised to see someone named Kris, with my last name on the credits as a piano player. While in the paragraph of blatant lies, I mixed in one accurate fact. Except that I have no idea who Kris is, if we’re related (doubtful), or if Kris is even male or female. I’m simply the type of person who actually reads those liner notes.

But that one tidbit was enough to make this gullible girl accept my story as fact. Anyhow, we all had a good laugh about what these girls must think. Over the next two years, it rarely came up, and we all just kind of forgot about it as we didn’t see these freshman girls much after that.

I just hope this girl forgot about it, in case she’s now working as a music critic, or working for MTV or a rodeo circuit, or any occupation where she could meet and talk to Jewel. I wouldn’t want her to embarrass herself.


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