So I solved this by simply using all the phrases I could think of from Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch’s hit single: Feel The Vibrations.

Come on, Come on!
Feel it, Feel it!
Get up, Get up!
In it to win it!
I wanna see motivation!
Get yours!
I wanna see sweat comin’ out your pores!

This is incredibly stupid.

Some hacker kid can’t turn a cold war into a nuclear war through computers in today’s era.

#1 – Remote access of the government’s war computers in 2012-14? Are you kidding me?

That premise doesn’t work now. Sure, the kid hacked the Sony Network, which is designed to be online. The US Military system is NOT designed to be online. They’ve closed that door in the movie industry 15 years ago. In Mission Impossible, they had to break into CIA headquarters to use the computer. Even the biggest technology plot holes in 24 were not this big.

#2 – Hypothetically, if the government’s computers could be entered by some hot shot hacker (and, PS, we already saw the awful Die Hard 4 movie), the hacker is not ACCIDENTALLY starting WWIII because he thinks he’s playing a game:

 “I’m going to steal some video games by hacking into this computer software company’s server at WarGames.com. Ooops, I accidentally hacked WarGames.GOV” ?!??

#3 – Oh, the “there’s a back door the programmer put in himself and never closed” concept (hey, worked in Jurassic Park… in 1993!) doesn’t work. You think the US military has ONE GUY doing their system? It’s a massive team who’d close each other’s backdoor systems.

#4 – The whole plot worked in the 80s because computers were so new, and there was the fear of an older generation within the military, and civilian areas, of things like that happening. McKittrick and Beringer, the two guys at odds over the “new tech war” vs “old school defense systems,” would both be about 10 years younger than my Dad is now. My dad was showing me tic-tac-toe on his work computer 28 years ago (right before the movie came out, probably why I loved it so much).

Anyone in the US military is fully indoctrinated to the role of computers and technology. There’s no possible antagonist. Who believes we can’t trust a computer to handle things in 2013? Do you know anyone who doesn’t have a computer? Ten years ago, my GRANDMOTHER was selling things on sells things on E-Bay!

#5 – WWIII? How are we going to have a full scale, Global Thermonuclear War without Russia? The whole concept of mutual assured destruction was predicated on the fact that we knew ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about the Soviet Union (through our inept CIA), so we thought they were a threat, they thought we were a threat, and we thought we were two massive super powers staring each other down. (In reality, the “intel” we had on the Soviets was so much guesswork by CIA operatives trying not to get fired for finding out nothing so they made it up).

There’s only ONE country that could POSSIBLY fit that bill in 2013: North Korea. And no one is talking down Kim Jong Il, cause that bastard’s crazy.

The only way to advance the plot of “hacker almost starts a nuclear war” in 2013 is if the hacker is trying to get access to what the heck is going on in North Korea, discovering their military systems are online because they’d 30 years behind the times, and inadvertently puts us on the brink of WW3. But that has a major plot hole of… “How the hell would the US government find out, hunt him down, and have him race against the clock to stop it” when the real US response would be “screw it, just annihilate their backward-ass country.”

How about re-making bad movies into good ones, instead of good movies into bad ones?

One thing they discussed the other day was the economic boom going on now in North Dakota. Which has like three percent unemployment, and plentiful jobs in tech, green initiatives, and dozens of other fields. The cost of living is ridiculously cheap. My employer just hired a guy from North Dakota, he got his law degree, and paid, for SEVEN YEARS (four years of undergrad and three years of law school) about what tuition costs for my friend’s final year of undergrad at Tulane.

Of course, the show makes it sound like everyone should move there immediately with their packaged footage of industry booming, people talking positive at their workplaces, and talking about how great North Dakota is. Which made my broke behind consider looking for a job there.

Then they go to the standup part of the show, where the host interviews people on the street (usually to ask them state trivia questions and have them draw states on a clear marker board). And of course, it’s minus-three degrees outside. They said they found ONE person to interview on the street cause everyone else was inside or not going to stand outside to talk. That leads to the weather discussion, and how it’s so freaking cold there, you need survival gear in your car at all times.

Which my new co-worked completely backed up. I realized, “I pay more for things so I can live in nice weather locations, like smoking a cigar on my porch in New Orleans in December. Since leaving Ohio, it’s snowed in the town of my residence exactly ONCE, and that was wiped away by my windshield wipers. Screw cold!”

I’ll even accept an influx of crime to avoid that cold. While discussing the status of our fair city as “Most Miserable” and having a high crime rate.

Would you actually want to live in any of the “Safest Cities”? There’s no crime because the 48 people – who are too stupid to have moved somewhere better – all know each other.

My new friend from North Dakota summed it up: “You can’t mug someone at gunpoint in North Dakota half the year. If there actually was someone outside to rob, you’d have to go inside because your snot would freeze before they could pull out their wallet from underneath all the layers of clothing. Actually, they’d know your fingers would be too cold to pull the trigger and just punch you in the nose. Getting punched in the face with frozen sinuses would definitely incapacitate you, possibly kill you.”

Yeah, that’s less miserable than my city: where I did a double-take on the first overcast day after 150 straight days of sunshine and temperatures between 72 and 92. I opened a window in April and closed it on October 23rd. Those city rankings need to fix their methodology.

 #3 – If I use my AC to lower the temperature of my apartment to a lower temperature than it is outside, and then I turn off the AC and open my windows, how can my apartment become swelter and 15 degrees above the outside temperature in minutes – with nothing in use like hot lights, just my energy saving TV?

#2 – When you’re sick, how is there that much phlegm in a human body?

#1 – If I use Q-tips in my ears every day (yes, in the ear canal, violating the directions, like everyone else), how come for four days in a row there’s nothing on the Q-tips, and the fifth day, it’s the motherlode of earwax?

Filed under: Rambling ]]> http://kevfu.wordpress.com/2011/10/10/mysteries-of-the-world/feed/ 0 wilkinkm http://kevfu.wordpress.com/2011/10/01/a-long-flight-to-hawaii/ http://kevfu.wordpress.com/2011/10/01/a-long-flight-to-hawaii/#comments Sun, 02 Oct 2011 05:24:09 +0000 Kevin http://kevfu.wordpress.com/?p=1460 ]]> Written Sept. 7. On a plane over the Pacific Ocean

My day started with a phone call from Julie at 5:30 am.  Julie’s awesome. Not only did we have a late night convo about things we really can’t talk about with other people (tamer topics included: “Am I gay if I think I should have gotten a pedicure before going to Hawai’i? I always wear socks and my feet… they need some work”) But the moral of the story is: I finally found a way to make time zones work for me: Have my east coast friends call me when I have to be awake three hours after bed time.

Once sleeping was not an option on the van trip to the Sacramento airport (hour drive), I surfed twitter on my phone for news. First item I see: the team plane for Lokomotiv Yaroslavl (a hockey team from the KHL, the top league in Russia. They steal NHL players all the time) crash this morning outside Moscow and killed at least 34 of 37 people on board.

That would be a horrible thing to read even if I wasn’t about to get on a plane with a team and fly 3200 miles over nothing but the Pacific Ocean. My sick brain immediately pictures a stewardess saying “Today’s inflight movie: Castaway!”)

I assure you, these next to statements are not related:

1. Anyone who complains about a free trip to Hawaii should be punched in the genitals.

2. Five hours and 24 minutes is a long time to be on an airplane

It amazes me how my shoulders can sag and be sore, along with my neck at 11 am after two hours on a plane. I sit at my desk looking at my computer from 9 am until about 7 pm six out of every seven days. Why should there be a difference between desk and airplane? I guess my office chair is 5 times more ergonomically correct than an airline seat.

 I’m pretty sure someone on this plane brought an entire block of the strongest smelling boldest sharp cheese that exists.

 I really miss the internet. Or things that transmit news but also require the internet, or phone access, such as twitter or facebook. Or texting people. I can’t even ask.

As many of you know, I have an abnormally large interest in the subject of college athletic conference realignment. And the night before my flight, the SEC held a secret vote on whether or not to admit Texas A&M from the Big 12 as their 13^th team. The twitter rumors last night were they accepted A&M  and would announce it Wednesday. Which means, the SEC would need a 14^th team (West Virginia of the Big East, or Missouri of the Big 12), the other Big 12 schools might scramble for better conferences, the Pac-12 might add four teams from the Big 12. The Big East might need to replace West Virginia, maybe take those left in the Big 12 and expand to an unprecedented 20 teams. Or the Big East might break along football lines (seven schools don’t have basketball) with the football group adding Big 12 leftovers or Conference USA schools (my former employer was in C-USA), the basketball side might add Xavier and Dayton (my other former employer) and my alma mater might lose status with Xavier and UD leaving.  In otherwords, it’s basically an Armageddon day on internet/twitter for one of my main random interests. While I’m internet-less on a plane. But again, it’s a small price to pay for a free trip to Hawaii. And I’m not complaining.

It’s amazing how quickly I can accomplish computer tasks that don’t require the internet when I don’t have internet access. For example, a work task, or writing a page and a half about nothing.

If this were the SATs: Internet is to KevFu trying to work as

1. Productivity decreasing
2. Tools are to cavemen
3. Ooh! Shiny Things!
4. All of the Above

If I meet the person who programmed the auto-format features on Word, I will punch them in the throat and say “Sorry, we have auto-punch to the throat enabled for your convenience. You needed to tell me to adjust my auto-punch to the throat settings BEFORE I automatically punched you in the throat.”

In a somewhat related story, I can’t text my friend from West Virginia about WVU possibly going to the SEC, because there’s no way to phrase it without my phone changing it to SECOND.

You’ve probably stopped reading because you’re bored or the shiny internet distracted you (I’m so jealous). But we haven’t reached the halfway point of the flight yet.

One of the things I discussed with Julie was how boring my life was. She disagreed with my assessment and probably won the argument with: “You’re getting a free trip to Hawai’i to hang out with barely dressed, spandex-clad college girls!” I scored minor points with “You hang out all day with first-class business jet setters enjoying cocktails!” It’s all in the presentation.

I rail on Macs for not being as good as PCs, but the Mac version of Freecell keeps your stats in a much better way. It lists every game you’ve played with the date. I’m at 51 games and counting on this flight.

This would have been an ideal time to do some things I’ve always meant to do but never had the time to dedicate. Like, had I looked them up on the internet and saved them/printed them before I left, I could have learned all the words to the German version of 99 Luft Balloons.

I did download an entire season of Dexter since I’m only through Season 4 and Season 7 starts soon. But I downloaded them to my Mac, and they only play on Windows. And I can’t transfer them from the Mac side of my computer to the Windows partition for some reason.

I briefly wondered: “Is it a bad thing that Michael Jackson’s death made it cool to listen to MJ again?” If you think “you know, that’s a valid point. You never want to see someone die – child molestation charges not withstanding – but…” you are TOTALLY WRONG on this issue. It was NEVER UNCOOL to listen to Michael! (Classic KevFu misdirection).

If it takes five and a half hours to get to Hawai’i, which is pretty much the most gorgeous place on earth. I have to believe that Asia, Europe, Africa and Australia are totally not worth going to see.

I always wished I was a gifted enough to be a professional athlete who made lots of money playing sports. However, I think a 6-2 baseball player would be ideal, because I couldn’t imagine being a 6-10 basketball player on a plane for this long. In related news, I can’t feel my right leg anymore.

Must conserve phone battery for landing news-seeking bonanza.

Just because it’s been a while since I’ve said it: “Who Dat? Who Dat? Who Dat say they gonna beat them Saints?”

I should write something worthwhile during this time, instead of a bunch of rambling crap.

Hey, if you look out the window, you can see the Pacific Ocean!

And I’m appalled at the stupidity of those who bought them. Not as angry like the ready-to-kill rage towards society I feel at every promo for “Toddlers and Tiara’s,” but appalled nonetheless.

First off, there has to be some kind of security risk. Like “Oh, this teenage girl is an only child, getting into the driver’s side of the family van. (ABDUCT!)”

But secondly, I have questions. So, if you’re divorced, do you put your stick figure on one side of the car rear window, and your estranged spouse all the way on the other side? Kids in the middle? Or grouped by custody status? Do you need to move the kids from one side to the other every fourth weekend?

What about in Utah? Is there a family with one dad, seven moms and about 57 kids of various ages?

When the family pet dies, do you have to have a ceremonial removal of the car sticker?

Should I get just one? Put it on the back of my car all by myself? Could women do this? Because that would really help me out. I could easily flirt at gas stations while filling up my car.

There’s one easy way to tell. When they use phrases like “Unimaginable devastation” or “unthinkable damage” or something along those lines.

Let’s just consider what “unimaginable devastation and unthinkable damage entails:

- hundreds of billions of gallons of lake water pouring over the levees into an area averaging 5 feet below sea level with no natural means of drainage.
The water will flood the lakefront, filling up low-lying areas first, and continue its march south toward the river. There would be no stopping or slowing it; pumping systems would be overwhelmed and submerged in a matter of hours.

- the city and the east bank of Jefferson Parish into a lake as much as 30 feet deep, fouled with chemicals and waste from ruined septic systems, businesses and homes.

- Hundreds of thousands would be left homeless, and it would take months to dry out the area and begin to make it livable. But there wouldn’t be much for residents to come home to. The local economy would be in ruins.

- some part of the levee would fail… erosion occurs, and as levees broke, the break will get wider and wider. The water will flow through the city

- Mobilized by FEMA, search and rescue teams from across the nation will converge on the city. Volunteer teams of doctors, nurses and emergency medical technicians that were pre-positioned in Monroe or Shreveport before the storm will move to the area…. But just getting into the city will be a problem for rescuers. Approaches by road may be washed out.

- In a place where cars may be useless, small boats and helicopters will be used to move survivors to central pickup areas, where they can be moved out of the city.

- A variety of creatures — rats, mice and nutria, poisonous snakes and alligators, fire ants, mosquitoes and abandoned cats and dogs — will be searching for the same dry accommodations that people are using.

- Contaminated food or water used for bathing, drinking and cooking could cause illnesses including salmonella, botulism, typhoid and hepatitis.

- the city uninhabitable for six months or more.

Yeah, that’s pretty insane list of things that happened in New Orleans that was definitely damage and devastation.

However, it’s difficult to call those “unimaginable” or “unthinkable” when they are, in fact, direct quotes from the New Orleans Times-Picayune newspaper’s five-part series about the massive hurricane that devastated New Orleans… published June 23-27, 2002.

Katrina wasn’t “unimaginable,” or “unthinkable.” There were plenty of people who thought about it every day. EVERYONE saw this coming. The Times-Pic subhead to the series said in big bold letters “It’s only a matter of time before South Louisiana takes a direct hit from a major hurricane.”

The Weather Channel’s “It Could Happen Tomorrow” series’ original idea was on “Huge Hurricane hits New Orleans.” They filmed it and were working on the rest of season one, so Katrina hit before they could air it.

Unimaginable or unthinkable would be the specials on the same channels two weeks later: The September 11specials. Very, very few people could imagine the twin towers collapsing.

Dear whichever hair care product company advertising “semi-permanent” (whatever), there’s no such thing as semi-permanent. Permanent is permanent.

There’s a commercial with a series of people asking specifically for “Crystal Geyser” as if it’s Coke or Pepsi. It’s not. It’s FREAKING WATER. Nobody orders a bottle of water by brand name, it’s freaking water.

And these are just the stupid ones that air during sports. Everything else I DVR and skip the commercials.

Filed under: Rambling ]]> http://kevfu.wordpress.com/2011/08/26/commercial-break/feed/ 0 wilkinkm http://kevfu.wordpress.com/2011/08/24/rita-hayworth-and-the-plot-hole-discovery/ http://kevfu.wordpress.com/2011/08/24/rita-hayworth-and-the-plot-hole-discovery/#comments Wed, 24 Aug 2011 19:02:42 +0000 Kevin http://kevfu.wordpress.com/?p=1446 ]]> I was watching The Shawshank Redemption the other day (because, why wouldn’t you?), and I noticed a couple things I never saw before (Yeah, everyone points out that there’s no way Andy fits into the warden’s suit, so that’s not it).

#1 – If Andy Dufresne was so critical to the warden’s embezzling scheme that the warden couldn’t allow him to pursue a re-trial, how could the warden put him in solitary confinement for two whole months? That’s a long time to go in a complicated embezzling scheme without your money launderer.

#2 – Andy was a banker. A really smart guy, who knew the complex procedures of the federal government. He was different from everyone else in Shawshank because he was college educated and a white-collar person in a blue collar prison. Which means he’d know that the warden doesn’t bring new evidence before judges to get a new trial. Lawyers do. Yet he made no attempt to contact any attorney?

Of course, when I snapped to after about 10 minutes, it dawned on my that a young lady in shorts was in my line of vision and it looked like I was staring at her legs.

Naturally, the young lady looked up right then and all the sudden, I’m creepy.

This was totally my fault — unlike the last time I got caught looking at something — but still, it wouldn’t have been an issue if she was wearing long pants like everyone else in the room, because I was NOT checking out her legs when I got caught.