One Big College Family

June 14, 2013

The last two weeks, I’ve rolled into the office, poured a cup of coffee, checked my email and then about twice a week borrowed the Golf Cart key from my coworker for 15 minutes.

So today, I borrow the key, there’s no golf carts available. My coworker finally asked: “Where have you been going on the golf cart this mornings?”

The student union coffee shop across campus, I explained. “But you drink from your mug every day. You’re not buying coffee!” he replied.

Well, the business office cut down on spending by budgeting our sugar supply: They asked for our number of cups and sugar/splenda/equal packets per day, and multiplied everyone’s total by number of days and budgeted for that amount.

But they failed to account for the fact that I work 7 days a week and not 5. We ran out of sugar three weeks ago and aren’t restocking.

Ever since, I’ve been taking my coffee on the golf cart over to the Student Union coffee shop and using their sugar. I fill my mug and then stuff a few days worth of packets into my pockets.

Since the union is across campus, I’ve literally spent a full two hours this month just getting sugar.

At my salary, that amounts to about $370 of company time wasted. But they saved the cost of (less than) one $2.17 canister of sugar.


How Well Do You Understand Stupid Girl Quizzes?

November 6, 2012

Dear women,

All magazine quizzes about relationships and guys are total crap.

#1 – Guys don’t create those. No man is going to actually spend the time to make a quiz on that topic. Sporce sports trivia? Maybe.
It’s possible they have some input on the quizzes, but I’d imagine female editors would reject their contributions by saying “We can’t tell them that! All the fat girls will kill themselves!”

#2 – clicking StumbleUpon brought me to a page of quizzes with a “How well you understand guys” and “how well do understand girls” quizzes.

I took both.

Now, I understand guys quite a bit. BECAUSE I AM ONE. I’m also very straight and very single. I know nothing about women, even though I’d like to be in a great relationship with an attractive one.

And I scored 74%. On each quiz. Answering honestly.

These results show that these kinds of quizzes are complete crap; you girls are very stupid for allowing me to be single, or both.


I Have Never Wanted Anything More In My Entire Life

March 12, 2012

Nobody likes the bully. The type of person who doesn’t just enjoy winning, but can’t be happy unless they are making everyone else feel like crap while they win? Those are the types of people no one likes. And they’re the types of sports teams I hate.

I’ve always rooted for the underdog. Nothing is more compelling than a David vs Goliath match-up. That’s what made my senior year of college so awesome. NCAA Tournament: tiny St. Bonaventure vs basketball powerhouse Kentucky.

David had Goliath on the ropes, but Goliath forced overtime. Goliath had David on the ropes in overtime, but our underdog incredibly forced double overtime. In double overtime, David’s last rock was just off the mark and Goliath limped into the next round.

It was drama. A roller coaster of emotion for four hours. It was legendary on our tiny campus. And that’s why I didn’t want to go to some big huge school like Kentucky or North Carolina, Texas, LSU or Ohio State. A win by St. Bonaventure would have been incredibly special. And it was just another game for Kentucky.

Every where I’ve gone, Goliath has been around the corner.

At St. Bonaventure, there was Syracuse a few hours away: A basketball power that refused to play us in our arena.

At Dayton, there was Ohio State an hour away: Big, Rich and pompous, demanding to be called THE Ohio State University? (There’s like 25 state universities in Ohio)

Also at Dayton, Cincinnati was an hour south: With a thug reputation, and a ringleader when Dayton’s entire conference left UD behind to join a new league. At Dayton, we hosted the NCAA Tournament, and I’ll never forget what a jerk Roy Williams was and how glad I was George Mason beat North Carolina.

When I was working outside of Austin, there was Texas looming over everyone.

At Tulane, an hour up the river was LSU. Being around LSU fans sums up what I’m talking about nicely.
There’s 12 Division I schools in Louisiana, and two fan bases: Tulane’s and LSU’s. No one roots for Tulane who didn’t go there or work there. I’ve met one guy who roots for LSU and actually went to LSU (Hi, Eric).

I don’t understand people like the non-Eric LSU fans. Think about rooting for one of those big schools. They win most the time, there’s nothing special about it. They’re bigger and richer than everyone else. They’re rooting for Goliath.

I HATE those schools because they have no souls.

**If you think that’s harsh, think of Al Michael’s voice for a second saying: “…3…2…1…Do you believe in Miracles? NO! USSR Crushes the United States Olympic Hockey Team 14-1!” **

St. Bonaventure played Xavier in the A-10 finals today. For the Bonnies, it was win and get into the NCAA Tournament. Lose and you’re watching on TV. Xavier sure isn’t Goliath. They’ve just made it out of our conference to tangle with Goliath a lot more than we have. But still, it’s the type of game we never win. Literally, we’d never won an Atlantic 10 Tournament.

I found myself praying for a mini miracle.

So here we are. 12 years after my alma mater’s David vs Goliath battle with Kentucky. St. Bonaventure pulls of a mini-Cinderella run just to GET to this year’s NCAA Tournament.

The NCAA Bracket comes out and at first I am mad, because the NCAA thinks the Bonnies are an extremely weak David. But if we can beat Xavier in a game we never win, maybe with one good rock we can take down a Goliath.

I pull out my pencil to make my picks, and scan the progression from the line that says 14 St. Bonaventure to the end of the bracket:

Round of 64: 3 seed Florida State
Round of 32: 6 seed Cincinnati or 11 seed Texas
Sweet 16: 2 seed Ohio State
Regional Final: 1 seed North Carolina
National Semifinal: 1 seed Syracuse
National Championship: 1 seed Kentucky

Eight things in life is a lot to ask for. So I’ll only ask for seven:

LSU can wait, if we can just have six huge rocks and perfect aim.


Feel It, Feel It!

November 29, 2011

When I’m at basketball practice, and the coaches and players are encouraging each other, I feel compelled to chime in, to show my support. But I don’t really know exactly what to say without being repetitive.

So I solved this by simply using all the phrases I could think of from Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch’s hit single: Feel The Vibrations.

Come on, Come on!
Feel it, Feel it!
Get up, Get up!
In it to win it!
I wanna see motivation!
Get yours!
I wanna see sweat comin’ out your pores!


Hey Hollywood, Instead of a Remake, How About a Nice Game Of Chess?

October 30, 2011

They are re-making WarGames. They being some Hollywood movie company.

This is incredibly stupid.

Some hacker kid can’t turn a cold war into a nuclear war through computers in today’s era.

#1 – Remote access of the government’s war computers in 2012-14? Are you kidding me?

That premise doesn’t work now. Sure, the kid hacked the Sony Network, which is designed to be online. The US Military system is NOT designed to be online. They’ve closed that door in the movie industry 15 years ago. In Mission Impossible, they had to break into CIA headquarters to use the computer. Even the biggest technology plot holes in 24 were not this big.

#2 – Hypothetically, if the government’s computers could be entered by some hot shot hacker (and, PS, we already saw the awful Die Hard 4 movie), the hacker is not ACCIDENTALLY starting WWIII because he thinks he’s playing a game:

 “I’m going to steal some video games by hacking into this computer software company’s server at WarGames.com. Ooops, I accidentally hacked WarGames.GOV” ?!??

#3 – Oh, the “there’s a back door the programmer put in himself and never closed” concept (hey, worked in Jurassic Park… in 1993!) doesn’t work. You think the US military has ONE GUY doing their system? It’s a massive team who’d close each other’s backdoor systems.

#4 – The whole plot worked in the 80s because computers were so new, and there was the fear of an older generation within the military, and civilian areas, of things like that happening. McKittrick and Beringer, the two guys at odds over the “new tech war” vs “old school defense systems,” would both be about 10 years younger than my Dad is now. My dad was showing me tic-tac-toe on his work computer 28 years ago (right before the movie came out, probably why I loved it so much).

Anyone in the US military is fully indoctrinated to the role of computers and technology. There’s no possible antagonist. Who believes we can’t trust a computer to handle things in 2013? Do you know anyone who doesn’t have a computer? Ten years ago, my GRANDMOTHER was selling things on sells things on E-Bay!

Don’t believe me? This is the info from my grandmother’s Facebook page.

#5 – WWIII? How are we going to have a full scale, Global Thermonuclear War without Russia? The whole concept of mutual assured destruction was predicated on the fact that we knew ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about the Soviet Union (through our inept CIA), so we thought they were a threat, they thought we were a threat, and we thought we were two massive super powers staring each other down. (In reality, the “intel” we had on the Soviets was so much guesswork by CIA operatives trying not to get fired for finding out nothing so they made it up).

There’s only ONE country that could POSSIBLY fit that bill in 2013: North Korea. And no one is talking down Kim Jong Il, cause that bastard’s crazy.

The only way to advance the plot of “hacker almost starts a nuclear war” in 2013 is if the hacker is trying to get access to what the heck is going on in North Korea, discovering their military systems are online because they’d 30 years behind the times, and inadvertently puts us on the brink of WW3. But that has a major plot hole of… “How the hell would the US government find out, hunt him down, and have him race against the clock to stop it” when the real US response would be “screw it, just annihilate their backward-ass country.”

How about re-making bad movies into good ones, instead of good movies into bad ones?


How The States Got Their Shapes / Why Does Anyone Live There? Part IV

October 18, 2011

There’s a series on The History Channel called “How The States Got Their Shapes,” which tells you… you get it. It talks about imperialism, border wars, territorial fights, political maneuvers, religion, bigotry, slavery, booms in industry and commerce, weather, etc, shaped the borders of, and inside, our country.

One thing they discussed the other day was the economic boom going on now in North Dakota. Which has like three percent unemployment, and plentiful jobs in tech, green initiatives, and dozens of other fields. The cost of living is ridiculously cheap. My employer just hired a guy from North Dakota, he got his law degree, and paid, for SEVEN YEARS (four years of undergrad and three years of law school) about what tuition costs for my friend’s final year of undergrad at Tulane.

Of course, the show makes it sound like everyone should move there immediately with their packaged footage of industry booming, people talking positive at their workplaces, and talking about how great North Dakota is. Which made my broke behind consider looking for a job there.

Then they go to the standup part of the show, where the host interviews people on the street (usually to ask them state trivia questions and have them draw states on a clear marker board). And of course, it’s minus-three degrees outside. They said they found ONE person to interview on the street cause everyone else was inside or not going to stand outside to talk. That leads to the weather discussion, and how it’s so freaking cold there, you need survival gear in your car at all times.

Which my new co-worked completely backed up. I realized, “I pay more for things so I can live in nice weather locations, like smoking a cigar on my porch in New Orleans in December. Since leaving Ohio, it’s snowed in the town of my residence exactly ONCE, and that was wiped away by my windshield wipers. Screw cold!”

I’ll even accept an influx of crime to avoid that cold. While discussing the status of our fair city as “Most Miserable” and having a high crime rate.

Would you actually want to live in any of the “Safest Cities”? There’s no crime because the 48 people – who are too stupid to have moved somewhere better – all know each other.

My new friend from North Dakota summed it up: “You can’t mug someone at gunpoint in North Dakota half the year. If there actually was someone outside to rob, you’d have to go inside because your snot would freeze before they could pull out their wallet from underneath all the layers of clothing. Actually, they’d know your fingers would be too cold to pull the trigger and just punch you in the nose. Getting punched in the face with frozen sinuses would definitely incapacitate you, possibly kill you.”

Yeah, that’s less miserable than my city: where I did a double-take on the first overcast day after 150 straight days of sunshine and temperatures between 72 and 92. I opened a window in April and closed it on October 23rd. Those city rankings need to fix their methodology.


Mysteries of the World

October 10, 2011

There’s lots about the laws of physics and how the universe works that I will never understand. The most mind blowing are among the most obvious. But the three that are insanely simple, yet mind-blowing really bother me. They are:

 #3 – If I use my AC to lower the temperature of my apartment to a lower temperature than it is outside, and then I turn off the AC and open my windows, how can my apartment become swelter and 15 degrees above the outside temperature in minutes – with nothing in use like hot lights, just my energy saving TV?

#2 – When you’re sick, how is there that much phlegm in a human body?

#1 – If I use Q-tips in my ears every day (yes, in the ear canal, violating the directions, like everyone else), how come for four days in a row there’s nothing on the Q-tips, and the fifth day, it’s the motherlode of earwax?


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